What's The Point?
I've been a member of this website for a while. I've kind of kept an incognito membership because I'm not one to just start talking about my experiences. I'd rather stay behind the shadows and read about everyone else's and make the occasional comment when I see necessary, but I think it's time for me to share my story. My mom claims that I never slept as a baby. She'd put me in the wind up baby swing, and I'd be quiet while it was swinging. She always thought I was asleep so long as the swing was working, but the moment it stopped I screamed until she cranked it up again. I was a fairly active child, but I never missed nap time or anything. And I had times where my existence seemed foggy where I just wanted all of the other kids to leave me alone. Fast forward to when I was in high school: I was always foggy and a little reclusive during the seventh and eighth grade. I hated school because I felt different and judged. I'd stay up sort of late writing and reading, and I'd sleep through school. I wasn't staying up that late, though. Only until 11:00 or so. By the time I was in the eleventh grade, however, I was sleeping constantly. I'd wake up just in time for me to get ready and get on the bus. I'd sleep on the bus. Go to first period early so I could sleep. Finish my class work as fast as I could each class period so I could sleep. Sleep on the bus ride home. Sleep until my dad woke me up for dinner. Then I'd sleep until the next day where I had to start all over again. It was strange still, though. Because I'd wake up full of energy after each nap, but by the time I accomplished what was expected of me in each class period I was exhausted again. I didn't have a midpoint. I was either one extreme or the other. Bubbly and happy and ready for anything...or I was crashed out on a desk or in a corner somewhere. My parents were getting angry with me. They accused me of staying up all night. They thought I was on drugs! They didn't realize something serious was going on until they started sneaking into my room without my knowledge and found me asleep every time just as I had said. I went to my first sleep specialist. I fell asleep within three to five seconds of laying down and getting comfortable, but all he said was that I have mild central apneas and wrote me a prescription to provigil. It helped for a while but eventually stopped working. I then went to another doctor who ran a sleep study on me while I was on narcotics because I'd just had my wisdom teeth pulled. She basically said the same thing and prescribed me to 10 mg of ritalin, and I pretty much never saw her again. Now, at twenty years old, I'm seeing a new doctor...and I have Narcolepsy? I'm like, "when the hell did that happen? and why wasn't I informed of this sooner?" I'm in my third year of college...and had I known this, maybe I wouldn't have been struggling just to stay above hours. I'm on 54 mg of concerta. It's really helping me stay awake, but I still feel like I'm struggling. I'm so afraid that I'm going to fail. And no one seems to understand or even cares to. Whenever I talk to an instructor about it, they immediately start saying, "well, I can't give you more absences that the other students..." I'M NOT EVEN ASKING FOR THAT! I'm asking for a little bit of understanding. I keep waiting for someone to understand...or at the very least someone who WANTS to understand...but each day it gets harder and harder. I feel myself pulling away from society more and more, and I'm becoming more of the recluse that I've been trying my hardest not to be for so very long. All I remember of my life is incomplete assignments, failed relationships, and sweet sleep. And you know what? I'm beginning to lose my will to fight sleep. I've always wanted to be able to fight my inability to stay awake. I've always wanted a chance...but now, I'm beginning to feel like, "what's the point?" Instead of being forced to sleep by my own body, I feel like all I want to do is sleep...on top of already being incapable of staying awake. I want to be successful, but what's the point of the struggle if I'm all alone anyway? What's the point of all of the work when no one even want to understand? What's the point?