Sleepy In Florida...

I'm a 34 year old mom, a wife of 12 years, and I work full time. I've wanted to write for a while. I just feel like maybe I'm still in denial...

Rewind to my childhood. I remember my mom telling me that my kindergarten teacher said I was always the best sleeper. I never had trouble sleeping at night. But mostly I remember the naps...or should I say crawling in my moms big warm waterbed for naps. I used to nap almost every day after school. I don't know how old I was when this started... Probably 12..13... I'm not sure. I thought this must be normal for a growing kid in school and my parents never cared so why would I? I had the hardest time in school. I used to get upset with the kids that were bums and didn't apply themselves and still did fine grade wise. I had to study so hard... But my trick was to cram the night before the test. Use any trick possible to memorize whatever...because I knew I wouldn't remember it for long. I guess I thought it was just normal for some to have a hard time memorizing stuff. You should have seen the hours I put in practicing the piano for recitals trying to memorize the song. Memorizing was SO hard!

Fast forward a decade or so. Graduated. Got married. Had a beautiful baby girl. I was almost 28 when she was born. Worked up to the day I had her. This is when things started going downhill fast. I was up most nights a few times a night with the baby. Still working full time of course. My husband complained a lot about me always being tired. I always attributed it to being up all night nursing a baby! I figured this is normal. This is what a mom does. She stays up half the night and works all day just in time to sleep a bit and do it all over. Well... My daughter eventually slept through the night and I was still as tired as could be! I guess I didn't have much of an excuse now...

Coke, coffee, close eyes in bathroom at work, pray for 5:00 pm...over and over...

Brother in law went for sleep study and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. He was tired all the time, got the machine and is miraculously cured! Maybe that's what's wrong with me!!! Went to primary care doc, sends me for sleep study. Nothing's wrong with me! He suggested I do the MSLT (all night sleep study and nap throughout day sleep study) to test for narcolepsy. I told him he's crazy... How could I have that? And I would have had to shell out $600 which I didn't have. Forget it.

Few more years pass...tired as ever. Falling asleep every time I'm a passenger in the car. I remember the frustration one particular time when I fell asleep in the car while my husband was talking to me. He said "I can't even hold your attention!?!?!?" I felt terrible! But then I felt annoyed because I WAS tired and just fell asleep. Wasn't my fault!!! It was then that I knew I needed help.

Found new doc and had the MSLT test. Went to doc for results. And the rest is history. Aparently I got an A+ in ability to fall asleep almost instantly. I knew I had that ability but I didn't know I could do it in 5 seconds! Thus began the trial and error of drugs.

Nuvigil, xyrem, Ritalin, adderall. Not to mention depression was so bad... Felt useless. I guess this is the time I quit talking in the past tense and start speaking in present tense. Saw counselor, saw psychiatrist to monitor depression meds along with xyrem and Ritalin. Felt xyrem wasn't doing enough to warrant the cost. Quit that. Tried just Ritalin. Then came the wonderful nationwide shortage of Ritalin. Doc tried giving me anything at this point. Tried to get me back on nuvigil but it's soooo pricy and makes my jaw clench like crazy. So now I'm on adderall. Just adderall. The pills are 20 mg but I cut them in half and take them 2-3 times a day. I feel good for about an hour when I take them. I also talk like I'm on speed. Trying to work a desk job stinks when all u wanna do is chit chat and walk around cause you have crazy energy. Then I come off my happy little high and crash when I get home from work. Also the jaw clenching is sooo bad with adderall, I just recently got a mouthguard to sleep in because I was getting migraines from clenching too hard/much.

Sometimes I imagine stashing a pillow and blanket in the bathroom and pretending I'm using the bathroom just to be left alone while I nap on the floor.

I sometimes go into my daughters room to take a nap.

I get so embarrassed to nap every day after work. Some days I push through not naping just to I don't feel like a loozer of a mom and wife.

My daughter thinks I'm lazy and always tired. I think that hurts me most. I know she doesnt mean it and doesn't understand it. I've slept in every family members house, every couch, every bed I can find...(within reason!) I usually sneak off and crawl in a bed and don't tell Anyone because I'm too embarrassed. It's sad when you have a choice of eating or sleeping and I always choose sleep.

I have no patience. I get so angry so easily. If I don't get a decent nap when I lie down, I turn into the wicked witch of the west. My daughter is constantly wanting me to play with her or asking for help with something. My husband tries to get her to leave me alone. Sometimes I get good naps. But then I'm left with the guilt of losing half the evening to sleep and not spending time with my daughter.

I've been on several antidepressants, Zoloft most recently which made me so dark I felt lie I wanted to die. I dont think that's how you are supposed to feel so I quit taking it.

I'm going to see a new sleep specialist in a few weeks. I don't think the doc I have now is doing such a good job. From one drug to the next. Nothing ever really helping. I'm hoping the next doc can do a combination of something that helps me.

I don't want to be 'lazy and tired' anymore. But all I ever think about is the next time I can close my eyes. I keep thinking that there must be more to my life than being tired. I guess the only upside to it is at least it's not some fatal disease. I guess I shouldn't feel too sorry for myself. But sometimes I want to. Sometimes I want someone to just understand what I mean when I think to myself..."I'm so tired I ache." I hurt if I don't sleep. How absurd does THAT sound!?!?!?

Sometimes I just wish I could sleep forever...where no one would disturb me... And never have wake up.

TammyGirl28 TammyGirl28
31-35, F
1 Response May 22, 2012

its crazy how beatiful sleep can be until i got diagnosed my husband couldnt understand how i would rather lay in bed all day and sleep then go to the movies or play with my kids its like were addicted to sleep and the withdraws are litterally unbearable