Never Worthyi have always felt like i am not worthy.
I dated this man for a few years. He left and then came back, When he did he kept me in the shadows. He never wanted to let on what he was feeling for me in front of others.
Then when someone better , more worthy would come along.. he would cause a huge drama filled blow up and then proceed to shower his new love with poems, love letters and all this show of how worthy and deserving she was. How beautiful she was and all the while it broke my heart. He kept me in the dark and i guess he was ashamed of me. He would go on and on how lucky he was to have this new girl and but when he was with me.. all he did was make me jump through hoops. I was on a constant roller coaster and made to feel like i was losing him from the beginning. I loved this man.. But he after he left me , in a whirl of anger and hurt.. he would tell me how i was nothing and was never anything is his life.
The pain i felt in my heart is something that i still carry with me. I understand moving on, but when i tried to ask him, why he never felt like i was special enough to tell me how he was feeling or at least acknowledge our relationship.. he would laugh and tell me i was never anything to him. I was not on the same level as his new love.
This has carried through so many times in my life and i guess it stems from my father. I don't really feel like i will ever be good enough. I am the one that they meet in secret and i just don't count.
Why they go on and on about their new love and how lucky they are .. i am reminded how much i don't mean.
This man came back into town and he asked me to see him, to sleep with him .. then he was going to marry his sweetheart. I told him to go hell and he laughed and told me that i was the one they took to bed, but never out. I wouild never be anything but the one that men liked to play.. but never really love.
do i believe this, some days no.. i know they are just being mean, but today.. when i am hurting so deep.. i wonder if those words are true..I some how i will always be the one who has to sit back and watch a man i love ... go on and on about the one he loves and telling me how little I mean in anyones life.