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When Will This Hell End?

A bit about me - I grew up without a father, and my mother is Chinese and had a very "hands off" approach to raising me. She loved me alright, but I never had anyone to talk about in terms of relationships with the opposite sex. So I went through secondary school (11-18) never having a girlfriend, or even getting close to a girl or kissing one. It was awful.

I managed to make some changes when I went to university. I'm actually not a bad looking guy, and I have had lots of compliments in my life about my appearance. I'm not especially attractive either, but at least I think my looks are not a factor in me being perpetually single. Anyway, I went to university and was determined to go after girls - and it worked. In fresher's week I pulled a girl at a nightclub and I felt tremendous. But what I really wanted was a girlfriend. By Christmas I managed to pop my cherry, and I had "pulled" quite a few girls. So at least I knew I was attractive to women.

Just before the start of my final year, I met a girl in a nightclub and I thought I had finally found myself a girlfriend. We were physical from the get-go and I think I must have fallen head over heels with her - she was beautiful in my eyes. I started seeing her regularly - she came to my place a couple of times, and we also went to town. I really did think I'd made when we had sex for the first time. Then within a week of that, she dumped me. No warning, nothing. I was devastated.

I didn't have sex or any intimacy with a girl for SIX years after that. I met someone on holiday aged 28 and visited her in London when we got back. We had sex but I never saw her again after that weekend. I wasn't in love with her, but I wanted it to turn into a relationship because I was 28, 30 was looming on the horizon and I STILL had not been in a true relationship.

I started internet dating three years ago, when I was 31. It has been a life saver in the sense that I was celibate before, and now I have been intimate with five women that I've met online. But I really, really want to be in a relationship more than anything else. I don't care what anyone says. Whenever I have been in my short relationships, I have been on cloud nine. I want to be married, settle down and maybe have kids. I want someone to share my life with, and I want to share hers. I have so much love to give. I think I would be an brilliant, loyal husband and father. But I'm 34 and it still eludes me.

Since I started doing internet dating regularly, I HAVE had some of my most fulfilling relationships in my life. I had my longest relationship at the beginning of this year. We would see each other several times a week, call each other almost every day and I really did think, again, that I had made it. She never stopped telling me how much she liked me. She told me twice by text that she was falling in love with me. Then in March, she dumped me. I was devastated again. We had had our rows, but I didn't think it was anything that couldn't be overcome. My friends tell me that she was not relationship material, but that doesn't stop the hurt I felt.

I've recently been dumped again, this time after only three dates and by someone whom I thought I had a really good thing going with. There were no arguments, no lack of chemistry. Just BOOM and I'm dumped again. I thought I'd done everything right. The only problem? She lived in London and I live in Bristol, 100 miles away.

I told my friend when it happened "Someone up there doesn't like me".
Ayahuasca Ayahuasca 31-35 1 Response Nov 27, 2010

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Thank you for your comment. I'm still single at the moment, but I'm also still dating fairly regularly so I'm keeping my hopes up!