Am I Relationship Material?After living 35 years I now have discovered that my worst enemy hasn’t been life or others; but simply myself.
I always wanted to be a pleaser, in fact I fit best in this role. I like harmony and peace, I shy at confrontation or disagreement, I am usually the first to apologize even when an apology is or was not ever warranted.
Going through the journeys I have in these past few years has opened up several doors for me; inner-self doors. It’s truly been an astonishing road. The true amusement is knowing that it will never end, unless by my choosing and…. I sometimes wonder if I choose not to?
The location of my journey currently has found me questioning if I am even relationship material.
I sometimes think, yes; and yes I do think too much. ......
But I feel this question is vital to my future.
If I am to discover that I am not relationship material than I want to learn to accept it and be comfortable with that fact.
I don’t want what isn’t mine to have. It’s much more satisfying to just be grateful for all the blessings that I do have than to want what I can’t have.
A friend asked me once why I don’t t
believe Im relationship material. It’s really quite hard to express; it is more of a feeling.
I wonder sometimes if we’re all given our relationship token and if we choose to use it frivolously than the repercussion to that is; that’s it, no more "but that one was defective" and that would be my excuse to get another.
I feel like I’m on that carousel ride and I used my token on my last marriage and when I failed at that one the attendant said "I’m sorry Miss but you've used up all your tokens, this ride is now closed."
I doubt my ability to enjoy the kind of relationship I want because I failed at something that was so precious to me, something that I once had a lot of respect for and worked very hard to keep.
I have two beautiful, wonderful, healthy children; my dreams really did come true after all.
Of course I must confess that at 15 years old I thought I knew what I wanted for the rest of my life. Well I did, but what I didn’t consider was how much I would change with maturity. I sometimes enjoy the self-awareness and spirituality of spending this time with myself. I seek to learn more about myself and how I interact with people, how I’m influenced, how I process my choices, and how I can if possible, be relationship material.
Even though I failed at my past marriages I know that married life is where I want to be. I want to enjoy the love, passion, respect, security, trust, friendship, intimacy and compassion that marriage represents. Well not all marriages represent those qualities but my personal definition does. I want a man in my life that looks to me to share his highs and his lows from his day. I want to be the one person in his life that he knows is a fail-safe and will always be there for him. I will be the one that he wants to rush home to and share his successes, his failures, his silly moments, his secrets, as well as his vulnerable side.
I never want to be invisible again to a man I love. I have always viewed marriage to be a bond between two people that if it was built properly it would weather any storm and come out stronger. But now I doubt if these views are too idealistic or not obtainable, hence making me a relationship disaster…..
I’m considering that it may come down to my expectations. Are my expectations too high? Are they absurd?
Am I simply ungrateful for the level of participation one wants to share in a relationship with me?
I read once that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to love you does not mean they don’t love you with all that they have.
This struggle I’m left to face for now is how do I balance what I believe to be important in a relationship and still hold true to myself?
I know this can’t be answered over night or found in a fortune cookie.
It’s all a part of the journey; a journey that if I trust me, I will not fail me. I sometimes wonder if I’m the only person that thinks this way.
Do I have too much time on my hands? Am I just being an insecure impatient person? That’s probably it.
Mix that with an over-achiever who has something to prove to herself and everyone else in this world and now we’re speaking volumes.
lostinlife2 36-40, F 7 Responses 8 Aug 29, 2011