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Am I Relationship Material?

After living 35 years I now have discovered that my worst enemy hasn’t been life or others; but simply myself. 
I always wanted to be a pleaser,  in fact I fit best in this role.  I like harmony and peace, I shy at confrontation or disagreement, I am usually the first to apologize even when an apology is or was not ever warranted. 
Going through the journeys I have in these past few years has opened up several doors for me;  inner-self doors. It’s truly been an astonishing road. The true amusement is knowing that it will never end, unless by my choosing and…. I sometimes wonder if I  choose not to?
The location of my journey currently has found me questioning  if I am even relationship material. 
I sometimes think, yes; and yes I do think too much. ......
But I feel this question is vital to my future.
  If I am to discover that I am not relationship material than I want to learn to accept it and be comfortable with that fact.
I don’t want what isn’t mine to have. It’s much more satisfying to just be grateful for all the blessings that I do have than to want what I can’t have.
A friend asked me once why I don’t t
believe Im relationship material. It’s really quite hard to express; it is more of a feeling. 
I wonder sometimes  if we’re all given our relationship token and if we choose to use it frivolously than the repercussion to that is; that’s it, no more "but that one was defective" and that would be my  excuse to get another. 
I feel like I’m on that carousel ride and I used my token on my last marriage and when I failed at that one the attendant said "I’m sorry Miss but you've used up all your tokens, this ride is now closed."
 I doubt my ability to enjoy the kind of relationship I want because I failed at something that was so precious to me, something that I once had a lot of respect for and worked very hard to keep.
I have two beautiful, wonderful, healthy children; my dreams really did come true after all.
Of course I must confess that at 15 years old I thought I knew what I wanted for the rest of my life. Well I did, but what I didn’t consider was how much I would change with maturity. I sometimes enjoy the self-awareness and spirituality of spending this time with myself. I seek to learn more about myself and how I interact with people, how I’m influenced, how I process my choices, and how I can if possible, be relationship material.
Even though I failed at my past marriages I know that married life is where I want to be. I want to enjoy the love, passion, respect, security, trust, friendship, intimacy and compassion that marriage represents. Well not all marriages represent those qualities but my personal definition does.  I want a man in my life that looks to me to share his highs and his lows from his day. I want to be the one person in his life that he knows is a fail-safe and will always be there for him.  I will be the one that he wants to rush home to and share his successes, his failures, his silly moments, his secrets, as well as his vulnerable side. 
I never want to be invisible again to a man I love. I have always viewed marriage to be a bond between two people that if it was built properly it would weather any storm and come out stronger. But now I doubt if these views are too idealistic or not obtainable, hence making me a relationship disaster…..

I’m considering that it may come down to my expectations. Are my expectations too high? Are they absurd? 
Am I simply ungrateful for the level of participation one wants to share in a relationship with me? 

I read once that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to love you does not mean they don’t love you with all that they have. 
This struggle I’m left to face for now is how do I balance what I believe to be important in a relationship and still hold true to myself?
I know this can’t be answered over night or found in a fortune cookie.
It’s all a part of the journey; a journey that if I trust me, I will not fail me. I sometimes wonder if I’m the only person that thinks this way. 
Do I have too much time on my hands? Am I just being an insecure impatient person? That’s probably it. 
Mix that with an over-achiever who has something to prove to herself and everyone else in this world and now we’re speaking volumes. 
lostinlife2 lostinlife2 36-40, F 7 Responses Aug 29, 2011

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Never write yourself off......... you are a beautiful, sensitive woman....... maybe overly sensitive maybe looking for someone who just doesn't exist.<br />
But there is someone who matches perfectly<br />
sometimes what we expect is right is all wrong<br />
When you let go of all this.... that person will be sent to you by the universe

I don't mean to sound rude or anything but helpfull, but, have you ever thought about trying to have a longterm relationship with another woman? You might be suprized at how it works out?

You're not being rude, I appreciate all input or I wouldn't have put it out here. Truth is I have never been attracted to a woman, I can't even entertain the thought and as long as physical needs exist a same sex relationship won't be possible.

Well, I totally get what you mean. Your desc<x>ription of the token was used and the ride is now closed. I felt that way so much that I never even wanted to see a carnival add. I believed that I would be alone the rest of my life and I needed to learn to live with that. I had to be happy and figure out how to be happy and just have friends. But love may happen someday for you so try to be a positive individual. You will attract better prospects. Positive prospects. I would suggest that if you do decide to get serious with someone that you need to really make it work this time. Success rates for second marriages with children in the house are quite low. It can be done but you will need to really work at it. I have found a good 200 page book that will help you and your partner bulid a strong ba<x>se should you meet a good guy and decide to make it a serious relationship and marry.<br />
<br />
http://www.thefivelovelanguages.com<br />
<br />
This little book I've found is a great way to learn eachother love languages so that you have a chance to keep eachother happy and keep that "in-love" feeling for years and be an example of how to be successful in marriage so your kids will not be afraid to marry. If you fail again they will be more likely to fail. So I am learning these skills so my current relationship will work this time using this book as a guide. I hope you don't give up. I wish you success.

Awesome reply. Thank you so much for your input very well written I might add. I actually have a copy of the book however as long as I continue to be a pleaser I will continue to be treated as such. I have never dated a man who would read a book to stay with me. I tend to attract selfish men who don't want to loose me because their life is easier with me but kindness is always mistaken for weakness and most men would rather be with a witch. Nobody wants whats comfortable they say they do but they don't the selfish man will end up with a snotty which because even he needs to be needed as well.

You asked a lot of questions, very good questions. You will find it helpful to invest time, energy and emotions in healthy relationships -- perhaps a close-knit women's group at your church where you can share with your closest friends all of these thoughts and questions. The church I attend has a program called "Celebrate Recovery" or "CR." It helps people work though a large number of addictions and obsessions -- yours might be your need to "be a pleaser." Sometimes that is termed "co-dependency" and it encourages other people with just the right personality type to take advantage of your need to please. In other words, it enables them to feed off of your personality without contributing back anything for you or your welfare. CR began 20 years ago at Saddleback Church, where the pastor is Rick Warren (he wrote the best-selling book "The Purpose-Driven Life") and is similar to an AA 12-step program except in CR everything is tied back to scripture passages in the Bible. Please let me know if I may do anything to help you. Blessings to you, Steve

Thank you Steve I do have the book the purpose driven life but I did not know of a CR group I have never heard of any type of group where I live. I love your positive outlook and I greatly appreciate the time you took to reply thank you so much

WOW.....I'm sure that thing will work out and everything will be fine...in reading your story I can see a bit of myself in that too. so it really hits home a little. thanks for sharing :)

I don't think you expectations are absurd, I gotta you hit home for me. I too want that one person I can share my life with and share the real love that two people share when they are in love. I want a man to accept me for me and no games cause the man I've been with for 15 months doesn't know what he wants. I truly believe he's in love with his wife still cause he always puts her above me
and shares things with her and not me and that hurts. Thank you for your story at least I know I'm not alone.

I've never dated once in my entire life because I'm an Aspie with A.D.D./HD

Being a pleaser is not a bad thing!<br />
Allthought this might sound simple minded!<br />
The trick has allways been finding the right personality to Complement yours!

My bet is you will be just fine, you seem to have a good handle on what you want and know that you need to trust yourself which for a lot of us is probably half the battle.