Not Girlfriend Material?

I'm 24, ambitious, quirky, and kind. I've never been in a long term relationship.
Maybe its me, maybe I'm afraid to allow someone to get that close to me.

I was first asked out by a boy when I was 10, I was absolutely mad about him, we were really good friends and I knew he really liked me, but I said no because I was scared. Scared of having to kiss him when I hadnt kissed anyone before and scared of being judged by my friends. I regret that decision to this day because I was in love with him as much as a 10 year old could be.

Then I went to secondary school where I had two boyfriends for two weeks each. I broke up with both of them again because I was scared of judgement and of letting them in.

When I turned 17 I had lots of guys interested in me, but not for more than the occasional snog.

There was one guy when I was 18 that I thought could turn into more. I met him at a club, I was wearing tracksuit pants and a string top. My hair was thrown up in a pony tail and he still fancied me. We started seeing each other...and I really liked him, but he was older and although I wasnt a virgin, I was afraid of taking things further than kissing, so I ended it.

Since then it has been a long string of one night stands with two 2month relationships thrown in the mix.

I long for that closeness that comes with sharing your life with someone who would share theirs with you two. I want to be in love when I have sex. I want to look into their eyes and feel loved. I want to walk down the street hand in hand. I want to go for a fancy meal and play footsie under the table. I want the cottage with the picket fence with my two beautiful kids playing on the freshly cut grass while I sit back into my husbands arms and just revel in the amazingness.

I'm not ugly on the outside, but I know deep down that until I can fix this insecurity and fear on the inside that there will be no hope.
gemstone898 gemstone898
22-25, F
2 Responses Sep 16, 2012

Don't push away people. You're hurting others. Your deep fear and anxiety of not letting people get close to you is getting the better of you. Afraid of kissing? Why?
Ask yourself that, and seriously answer it, don't just think philosophy about the question, but answer it. Maybe you'll find something that's blocking you from other people.

maybe next time , stop thinking too much about what will happen , how will you react in future and where it will all go and just enjoy the moment .. everyone needs to find their own speed of progressing , so just hang on there and someday you will find it all !