So I've Been Thinking...

 Why I've never had a relationship, and a few things come to mind: One being that I am physically undesirable - yes everyone is hypocritical and says looks don't matter, but I am a living example to prove they do matter. I can see the difference it makes how someone like myself is treated versus someone that is attractive. Another factor is simply being that I am introverted and have been shut out from the world since childhood. As a kid growing up I was bullied because of the color of my skin and my physical size (being puny and short, and still am today). I even remember being beaten up the point of waking up unconscious a few times. But the bullying stopped after the 6th grade, but I have a great deal of social anxiety, so I've never been able to interact with the world.

My parents separated when I was 13, and in some sense growing up in a single parent home in a third world country has made me somewhat resentful. Honestly my mind seems to vacillate... On the one hand I'm glad to be alone because I won't make the mistakes my parents did, I won't have to worry at the possibility of ruining someone else's life, and most importantly I won't have to face the possibility of spending money on someone else. Money was always an issue for me, and I've witnessed my mother steal money from my father, so I find the consumer driven  aspect to relationships disgusting.

But with all that in mind, sometimes I wish I had a human being to share my hopes and dream with. Someone to lie next to in bed, so I wouldn't have to go to bed alone and wake up alone. And most of all to experience the physical contact... I guess I always wonder whats it like to be touched, hugged, kissed etc. I've never had those things in my life, and feel slightly jealous that everyone else is nurtured and needed by others.

magicseaweed magicseaweed
18-21, M
3 Responses Dec 1, 2008

Thanks Ajal89. I must say its been a little over a year since I wrote this entry, and my head is in a better place now. I still feel lonely, but I'm more accepting of it, as well as focusing on more meaningful things in life (health and fitness, education/just graduated from college this morning, and so on etc.).

Thanks for reading man, appreciate your thoughts

Dude life has something in store for everyone. Just dont lose hope as yet!