Have I Made a Mistake?
Okay, so I'm 25, have been living on my own for a little over a year, have already gotten my undergraduate and graduate degrees, have a good job, am often told I am pretty fun to be around, and can get along with nearly anyone. So, at this point, I can only assume that I haven't been in a relationship because of something I'm doing.
Now, I will admit, I'm not the girl who will probably turn a lot of heads, but I'm not a she-beast, just average. And while I do think I could be in better shape, I try to take care of myself and simply be comfortable with my body. It took me a while to get to the point that I like myself (I'm still working on the whole "love yourself" ideal), but I can honestly say that I do, and have the confidence not to change myself just to get a man to be interested in me. So why can't I find someone that seems to want a serious relationship?
I should probably clarify that while I haven't been in a relationship, I have been asked out before. Though I can count the times that has happened on one hand, and only two or three of them were really serious. The others were only looking for a good time (which they should have clearly seen was not going to happen after talking to me for an excess of three minutes). Of the ones that were serious, one I looked on more like a brother than anything else; and while it would have made my mother ecstatic if we had started going out, gotten married, and settled down to make kids, there was just nothing there.
One I had known a total of two months before he told me he loved me, which might have been nice if we had actually met in person at least once (we had only ever talked on-line and the phone), and if he didn't have a mile long list of problems that he was trying to dig himself out of. The last, I had known for about nine years. We had always been friends and several times I got the feeling that he would like it to be more, but he never made a move, so I assumed I was imagining things. I went to college a few hours away from home, so we didn't see each other much over the next four years, but after I came back to get my graduate degree closer to home, we would hang out every once in a while. But, it wasn't until I had completed school and gotten a job out-of-state that he finally told me that he had loved me nearly all of the time he had known me.
So, we get back to my initial question. Although I had only ever been mildly interested in him, and probably more because I was curious about the whole big deal over having a boyfriend, I told him that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to even try. I know at least one person who said I should have given him a chance. But, in my view, I gave him nine years of chances which he never took, because he was too afraid I would reject him. And, it wasn't as though he was celibate during all that time either. So, how was I to know for sure if he wasn't just using his "love" for me as an excuse not to make a total commitment to some other girl.
So, was that a mistake? Am I the one at fault for actually wanting to feel an attraction to someone who asks me out? Maybe I've watched too many movies and read too many books, but I don't believe I'm being entirely unreasonable. I don't expect to have a perfect moment with a guy, but I would like to feel a connection with someone that could be considered more than ordinary. And I'm not just talking about physical, but someone that can make me think and laugh, drive me crazy and help me find a center, and who I'd be comfortable enough around to share my weaknesses with (something I haven't even done with my best friend).
Of course, I try to live in the real world. The world where people don't end up with their "one", if such a thing even exists; and sometimes, you have to be happy with yourself. And, I've gotten used to being alone, and never really expected that I'd have the "fantastic, montage, movie ending" life (which only happens once in a blue moon anyway). Even when I was younger I usually imagined getting a great job and buying my dream house which I'd probably live in by myself. But, I thought I'd at least get a date by now. And, I'm really tired of being the dependable, reliant one. It would be nice to have someone to lean on after those really trying days.
So, it must be me, right? I've set the standards too high or there's something off with me if I can't find anyone. You tell me. Did I make a mistake? Or, am I just another girl complaining about not being able to find love when her life's not all that bad?
I'd hate to be that girl.