To Be Human
I have never been in a relationship. That is in a mature, or even an immature, romantic relationship. I have been kissed, but I was 6 and so was he so I don't think it counts. I have never been out on a date, never been with anyone ever. I am a virgin, still. I keep thinking that there's something wrong with that, that I'm less than human because I have never been with another person. Not just for sex, but for any close intimate contact. The thought of it frightens me. I am nothing already. How does one merge nothing into something. The problem is I think I should be, or is that I should have been, going out, having fun messing about, all the things that humans do. But, the thought filled me with a cold fear I could not shake. I have been infatuated with people, one story I have relayed in another experience. But, on those few occasions of awareness during that infatuation, I did wonder what would have happened if he had reciprocated my feelings, wanted to take them further. Once again, that cold dread would fill me, I knew that if he had been foolish enough to want me, I would have ran. I wanted to be wanted, but not for sex or anything like that. I wanted it to be glorious and pure, as I felt for him. I wanted him to see me and love me and save me from myself. I wanted him to bring me to life, like Pygmalion I suppose. I look back on that and realize how pathetic such a desire was, but I also see that it's a childish one as well. Now, I am far too old to catch they eyes of others. I have faded, my youth gone, I have nothing to offer anyone. Yet, part of me accepts this. A part of me always knew it would be this way. I am accustomed to being alone, but I am rarely lonely. I only wish I could be real.