To Be Human

I have never been in a relationship.  That is in a mature, or even an immature, romantic relationship.  I have been kissed, but I was 6 and so was he so I don't think it counts.  I have never been out on a date, never been with anyone ever.  I am a virgin, still.  I keep thinking that there's something wrong with that, that I'm less than human because I have never been with another person.  Not just for sex, but for any close intimate contact.  The thought of it frightens me.  I am nothing already.  How does one merge nothing into something.  The problem is I think I should be, or is that I should have been, going out, having fun messing about, all the things that humans do.  But, the thought filled me with a cold fear I could not shake.  I have been infatuated with people, one story I have relayed in another experience.  But, on those few occasions of awareness during that infatuation, I did wonder what would have happened if he had reciprocated my feelings, wanted to take them further.  Once again, that cold dread would fill me, I knew that if he had been foolish enough to want me, I would have ran.  I wanted to be wanted, but not for sex or anything like that.  I wanted it to be glorious and pure, as I felt for him.  I wanted him to see me and love me and save me from myself.  I wanted him to bring me to life, like Pygmalion I suppose.  I look back on that and realize how pathetic such a desire was, but I also see that it's a childish one as well.  Now, I am far too old to catch they eyes of others.  I have faded, my youth gone, I have nothing to offer anyone.  Yet, part of me accepts this.  A part of me always knew it would be this way.  I am accustomed to being alone, but I am rarely lonely.  I only wish I could be real.
DarkPhoenix DarkPhoenix
31-35, F
43 Responses Oct 1, 2007

I know how it feels. I'm 23, female and I've never had a relationship. I forced myself to kiss a couple of guys one night when I was 19 but I didn't like it. I discovered I was gay at 21, but have done nothing with women. I sometimes feel I am deeply flawed and that no one would love me. Or they wouldn't accept me once they discovered that A) I had never had a relationship, job and have failed every exam I've taken and B) That I have schizophrenia. I think the schizophrenia is the main detergent, that there's something internally wrong with me that I cannot fix. I'm afraid of most people, having very few friends too. I don't even think the general person would accept me once they learnt the truth about me. I often wanted to die, to kill myself as my life has never gone anyway, and still isn't going anyway. But I don't want my existence to be snuffed out and I don't have enough faith in there being a heaven or hell. There's nothing I can do but just live this terrible existence.

Everyone here seems to be expressing a common theme and that is extreme dissatisfaction with themselves. I struggle with intimacy and closeness as well, but I've found it impossible to accept love or even recognize it while I don't love myself. You attract the energy you exude and if you're constantly feeling down on yourself, unworthy and afraid, then that is what you are going to come across as to others( even if you think you are hiding it well). I know that for me it hasn't just been about working on being open and loving and developing relationships, but addressing other areas of my life that I was feeling inferior in as well. This fear isn't just about relationships or finding love it is a fear that permeates every other area of your life and holds you back from not only having fulfilling close intimacy with people but from living your life in general and I think that is what's most frustrating and depressing of all.

DarkPhoenix, I understand your problem, I like many others on this posting have never been in a romantic relationship. However, I am not going to tell you the perfect person will just come along, or that "love will find it's way into your life". In my opinion, that's rubbish, things don't just happen because you wish for them to. If you want a romantic relationship you cannot trust in fate, you have to pursue said romantic relationship, you have to find a way to get over yourself and your fear and really put yourself out there; albeit not desperately. Find a counselor or someone who can offer you unbiased support in your efforts; a neutral listener can really aid in solving these problems. You must make your own way, your own luck, don't trust in something as silly as fate or destiny. Forget the past, and pursue the future. Everything does not just happen, nor does it fall into place, you have to make things happen and you have to put the pieces in their place. <br />
If you wanna know why I've never had a relationship, well.... I find romantic love to be a frivolous emotion, and get sick at the thought of deep ex<x>pression. However, you and so many others sound like you really want this thing, romance, and are ready for it. Thus, I say pursue it.

It comforts me to greatly to read so many responses and a beautiful story. I'm almost 25 years old, a man, I'm a virgin and I've never been in a relationship this way with a woman. I have lovely women friends who I'd like to keep friends, and the girls who liked me in highschool and college I turned away because I wasn't interested.

I sometimes feel lonely and I'm tired of waiting for "the right person" but that's just it, by doing what you're doing and waiting, you're weeding out all the nonsense people go through before they're old enough to realize what they want. People date in high school and college, but there's a reason they all break up, because know one knows what they want at that age.

I've asked my parents, wise neighbors, and older friends about this type of thing. They all tell me the same exact thing, "Meet people, go out, have fun, and everything falls into place as it should". I don't know if there's someone in this world for everybody, but there certainly seem to be a lot of great matches. Be open, be friendly, and be you! Do your thing, love yourself, love your time, and I think in the end it'll work out. And also be grateful that you missed out on a lot of nonsense.

You are concerned because you care, and since you care you will make it your will. Relax.

You are not alone
My age is marriable age, yet I just cant find someone truly love and accept my inperfection. I do have infautation with guy, but whenever get into relationship, I get panicked and fear set in and I will runaway. There is no guy understand it, even once u tell them your fear. You start feel that you dont know how love someone and get into relationship. When u see drama and friends in relationship is so sweet yet the sweet never fall on me. I Been crying asking what wrong on me and wish there someone understand me, love me and help me cope to know what is love. Will is possible? Cause when u are more difficult to woo on hand, no one will wait and understand you and leave you. In short there always girls beautiful out there and better then you. Maybe till old, I never walk out of this.

You are not alone... I'm just the same... Keep your head up, someone special WILL come into your life sooner or later. - and just to share part of my story, I just bumped into someone great a few months ago, here on the internet, and when we're planning our first meeting it just scares the hell out of me...

far too old to catch they eyes of others.... Huh???? You are never too old to catch someone's eye, it's all how you feel....

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin... It means you still have something precious to give..... As for a kiss at six not counting.... every kiss counts. How did that kiss make you feel,and what did you like about it?

Going deeper into my situation, I have never don all of what you said, never been on a date, not even a date to my high school homecomings. I also struggled with Infatuations but because of circumstances I know it will never be. I struggle with confidence when it comes to appearance and social skills because my parents have brought me down so much. My only fear is that no one will love me for me because my own parents don't. I don't even know if I love myself. I have guy friends and I have even tried to pursue a relationship with them but they all told me they were uninterested. I never threw myself at them nor did I tell them indirectly... I told them my feelings after others told me they thought he felt the same way and after I was confident he felt the same way. Every time this happens I get turned down. I dont think I'm mean, I don't talk a whole lot, I do everything I can to make them happy and in the end, I'm left more broken than before. I truly believe I am meant to be alone even though I tend to be dependent. I used to think that a painful heartbreak was just a figure if speech. Every time I'm turned down, a guy I care for dates my friend, a friend ditches me to go on a date, and all of the other crappy things that happen, my heart aches. All I want is someone to love me because I dont know what that feels like, not even from my parents. I now believe that the only person there for me is me. Love may always be what I hate but I just assume that's how my life is supposed to go. It is relieving to know that I'm not alone so I'm glad I found this. I am curious though... It's been 5 years since this was posted...I'm curious if your situation changed...?

Story of my life as well, details and all... You're not alone :p

Wow, I think you just wrote my life story DarkPhoenix. I am a 24 year old female and everything you said is exactly how I feel...glad to know I am not alone.

Wow this post was written 5 years ago and still continuing. Thank god I found this page. I am 21 never been in a relationship or even have guy friends. I am very depressed and starting to see mild symptoms of either social anxiety or narcisstic personality disorder. I am in the process of 'fixing' myself. My lifelong insecurities over body, my own intellectual capacity and self image as well as an unaffectionate, dismal and fearful childhood are some of the reasons why I refuse to let someone in. Friends either think your gay, abnormal or too selfish. I am afraid of a guy getting to know all of who I am. I give off an innocent outgoing perception but really they are fake smiles and deceptive. I do not want him to know me. I am not like the other girls..I feel distant, not ladylike and I do not know what I want in a guy or life. I dont understand how my close circle of friends have someone in their is foreign to me. Yet despite all of this, you and I know how powerful love is, even if we havent felt it in a relationship. I want to love and be loved, but the walls wont fall...will it ever happen? I sincerely give my best wishes to us all, this is not an easy issue and most do not understand.

You are not alone! Don't worry about your age. Think positive. Tell yourself you can do it! Think of something to talk about then get out there and do it.<br />

Why you people think you need to "fix" yourself? Maybe the rest of the world needs to be "fixed"? Don't think even for a second, that if you are not like the rest of the world, it means you are the one with the problem. Think it over. Turn it upside down. Maybe you need to fix the world?! If you could change the whole dating system, what would it be? Bring your insights of love to awareness of others :) Change the world.

This is the best comment, so far :)

Thank you so much for writing that. I'm yet another 19 year old who has never been in a relationship, never noticed any sign of a boy taking an interest. I feel like every other girl in the world has been anointed with some sort of magical oil, letting boys know they're available. I'm smart and have finally got to the point where I don't feel that's what defines me (so I have stopped talking about how smart I am). I'm pretty and thin and everyone says I'm very sweet, but I think that sweetness has gotten in the way because it's childlike. Like the rest of you, I'm scared of being in a relationship, and I've been hiding behind a childlike mask.

Hi, im new to this site and i was googling and i came acoss ur story. I too have never been in a relationship, never been kissed, no dates, and im still a virgin. im 20 and some people would say ur still young, but i still feel like im an outcast around everyone i know. I hate hanging around my friends, because being young all they talk about is who they like, who their dating, etc. and it makes me jealous. i feel like im missing out. But im glad that im not alone and there are other people goin through the same thing.

Hi, im new to this site and i was googling and i came acoss ur story. I too have never been in a relationship, never been kissed, no dates, and im still a virgin. im 20 and some people would say ur still young, but i still feel like im an outcast around everyone i know. I hate hanging around my friends, because being young all they talk about is who they like, who their dating, etc. and it makes me jealous. i feel like im missing out. But im glad that im not alone and there are other people goin through the same thing.

Wow, it is amazing to read all the comments, and DarkPhoenix's post, and see that i can relate to everyone. i am extremely shy b/c while in grammer school i was picked on and bullied all the time b/c of my weight. this distroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence. I always had this dream that i would have a boyfriend when i grew up and got older and nothing ever happend. like most of you, i have never been out on a date and i have never had a boyfriend. i always think that i am too fat and/or ugly for someone to like me which made me believe that this was why no one was ever interested in me. <br />
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i am not a virgin, but i wish i was, b/c i was so young, dumb, naive and desperate that i gave myself away to the wrong person, b/c i was just looking for someone to love me, and i ended up with herpes. i beat myself up all the time b/c if i had waited i would not have been in this situation. since college, i have become slightly better, but i still hate myself sometimes for the stupid mistakes that i made. i truely feel now that i am 29 that i will be single and alone forever. it is hard to form relationships when you dont know how. i am a strong believer that childhood shapes a persons personality and future. i will admit that i am very unhappy, and like many, i turned to romance novels b/c i was not getting in life what i was reading in those books. i always wanted to be in a relationship and have someone to feel for me what the couples in those books felt for each other. that is what i have always wanted, and have never been able to attain. I know that i am a good person, and i feel that no one can see me for how i am on the inside and may just see what is on the outside. <br />
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dont get me wrong, i have been told that i am pretty and beautiful by many people, men and women included, but if this is true, why have i been single my entire life? I try not to be picky, but how am i to know if someone is interested in me if they dont come up to me. i am very old-fashioned and believe that if a man is interested, he should make the first move. especially since i am too shy, ha ha

To be honest, expecting the man to make the first move really isn't old-fashioned at all... it seems like very little has actually changed when it comes to this (I don't approve).

That said, I'm extremely shy too and will probably be alone forever just because of that and the way the dating system is.

I have been scared of relationships. But I was lucky enough that he did love me back but he just didn't say for two years. I spent two years believing he hated me. And it destroyed my confidence. I still love him. Especially now we have been together for a year. But I am still scared of myself. Mostly scared of doing something wrong. And I say to everyone else, Try not to be scared because it makes life harder. I am a coward and that's why I spent two years without him. I can't even kiss him, he has to kiss me. Or I burst into tears out of fear that he might pull away. Don't let this happen to you. I don't regret being with him. But I do regret not putting enough faith in myself because now I can't change.

What you should know now is that the more you wait,the more difficult it becomes.I've had a similar experience,and when I compare my past and present,I just discover that I had plenty of easy opportunities which unfortunately I didn't benefit from.DON'T WAIT;the sooner the better.CONSIDER it as a mere amusement instead of your long-waited-for dream.Don't involve your heart to make a good start,after which you'll gain some self-esteem.After taking this step,you could talk of a romance.

i have never been in a relationship and im 20never had sex nothin not that i dont want to but that i just dont get out enough to find the right person for me.people always ask why have u not got a gf your handsome.but that dont mean **** if your personality sucks.

Oh, and I would like to add this.<br />
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Age dose not matter AT ALL. What matters is what you have on the inside. :)

Oh, and I would like to add this.<br />
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Age dose not matter AT ALL. What matters is what you have on the inside. :)

I would just like to say this to you.<br />
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You are only nothing if you think you are nothing. What can you do about it? Start thinking your someone. Why? Because you are someone. being single all your life has nothing to do with being human. Hell, I would say your more human than most of us. :)

I can completely relate, I'm 19 (about to be 20) and I have never even had any sort of kiss or any sort of intimacy. I have been told I'm cute or whatever but it's hard to believe because if I were that I would have more girlfriends than girl friends (note the space between the words). I have tried many times over the years but I always get slammed by the friend zone. It sucks, but again like all the others that have posted on here you are definitely not alone; there are many more people in a worse situation than yourself.

I know *exactly* how you feel. I've wanted people so badly, even they wanted me back sometimes. But still I kept my distance, and been cold and scared of it.<br />
The only way it ever happened was her talking to me, or even once, we were in bed together all night trying to sleep, when finally she resolved the issue and kissed me. That was the girl I am with now, and hoping to spend the rest of a very happy life together with. <br />
Open your mouth, refrain from silence. What you say does not matter, for a real man will see through it, and find out who you really are, regardless of which words come out.<br />
Best wishes.

Most of the posts here make me feel as if we're the same person. I've been on other forums but I have never read anything this close to how I feel or how I felt. I used to feel comfortable only talking to guys already in relationships because it made me feel safe but I've gotten out of that. I'm not sure how though so I can't really share that... but maybe it's because I work in retail and it involves so much interaction with different people that I'm used to it and also taking courses involving group projects or small class sizes probably helped too. I used to be terribly afraid of being chased too but I haven't been chased in a while so I'm not sure if I've overcome that. And the part about liking a person but freaking out once the person likes you back, the person I've liked has always ended up having a gf already so I haven't been in the exact same situation but sometimes I question myself how much a like a person because I'm afraid they'll like me back. And finding out they have a gf.. does sort of give me a sense of relief but at the same time I'm disappointed. It seems like everyone I like already likes someone else and I can't imagine being with someone who likes me first, so if I don't like them first, I'm not going to be able to convince myself to be in the relationship because just like someone who posted here, I can't imagine being with the person. I also feel like I've missed out in the dating years, even though it's not true, seeing as though most of us here are 20 or around 20 and we haven't dated. But you're all right, it's so hard to start. We have to forget about the uncertainties next time an opportunity comes around or else we'll never get out of the loop. I'm considering volunteering once again, and hopefully I'll meet more people who are single. I just wish I would like the person back but I don't think that's going to happen so I'm really wishing the next person I like will be single and will like me back.

i was feeling lonely and a bit down recently, tired of being alone and i do question myself, i am normal for not having any relationship being 30 this year. glad to know that i am not alone in this. i do want to have a relationship with someone however i found that it is really difficult for me to do so. don't know why but i dread being close to others. sometimes i feel like i'm scaring them off. actually i am scared of them too. hope there's a cure for this. want to be with someone in my old days, better start looking now, but how

Love is not learned, it's felt. It's an amazing feeling to give your heart unconditionally to someone and they love you back the same. Listen to your heart and it will not fail you!

The common theme i'm reading is "fear"....Fear I've being hurt, Fear of not be loved back and Fear of not being able to feel what they feel. Until you can get over this "Fear" you will never allow anyone close enough to your heart to feel true love.

god i can relate, iv been single so long its like its a part of me. I want a relationship but i get to nervous that i wont have time for anything but that or that ill have all these plans for how it will be but then never come to pass. Ahh its such a screwed up situation but im glad to know in a sence im not alone in my thoughts. I just worry about if things go south how will i still be affected. Its not easy at all. Stay strong.

It's good to see you have awoken to the universe in which you live. You are nothing. Nothing at all in the grand scheme of things. There is no turning back for the likes of you. <br />
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The pain and uncertainty for how you have shall last forevermore. At least until you die......

you all stole the words right from my's kind of comforting...

I can relate in a different way. I am married to my first girlfriend. We started dating when she was 13, me 15.We married when she was 18, me 20. I have never had a relationship with another woman and it bothers me more as I get older that I missed alot. More so because my wife had boyfriends before me--nothing more than kissing, but there was still intimacy with another which I never experienced. This has been a constant source of friction between us for which there is no easy solution.

I have read through each of the comments made on this story and while it is slightly comforting to know that I am not alone I still am nowhere near figuring out how to fix this kind of situation. In my situation as it stands there are 4 potential boys... ie boys who have shown interest in me... i constantly find myself looking into the future picturing how it will end and none of the endings are good. I am absolutely **** scared of getting close to someone and then having them realise they had thought I was something else entirely and leave me. It's not that I hate being alone (as in single), I just wish I could have had a tangible experience on which to base my fears. I have never been in a relationship with a boy.. serious of otherwise (I am 19). I don't trust single boys and have a hard time opening up to them. I feel that they are only after sex and nothing else and this thought further fuels the distrust. I feel safe talking to guys already in relationships as there is no longer a threat. I have also had a couple situations where I thought a guy friend and I were really close (on a friendship level) and would seek advice from them frequently only to find out that they have feelings for me and want to be more than friends. Upon hearing this I would freak out and try and back track as fast as possible, trying to work out how I might have caused them to like me and so on... Once I have made it clear that we are just friends... I find they lose interest completely and don't even try to maintain the friendship- again fuelling my thoughts on how guys only want sex. I have all but given up on my single guy friends.<br><br><br><br />
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This was a bit of a rant but I kind of feel better for letting it out. Maybe someone can see where the problem is/ know how to end this circle of pain.<br><br><br><br />
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Also so true about living life though movies and books. I have hundreds of Romance novels and devour them weekly. Im also a sucker for romance movies as I feel I can experience some form of love through them and remain whole by the end of it.

totally in the same boat. it feels as though u wrote the piece for me. put words to things i could not have.<br />
what on earth do we do?

I can totally relate to everything you guys said. I want to be in a relationship, but I just don't know how to go about doing it. I am 19, I'm a girl, and I have never been able to bridge the gap of communication. Usually, girls are all about communicating....guess I'm just the minority. I am an extremely emotional person. And I don't think anyone can really handle the drama. People usually want someone who is happy. Someone who doesn't have "issues". And, all I really have are problems. Though I have friends, I am used to being able to lead a private life without having to feel indepted to someone else. I know I have a really dismal perspective on relationships. I know there are ups and downs, and that people can be happy while they share the company of someones else. But, as you guys said, the thought of a relationship is terrifying. I fantasize about who the "right" person may be. In my mind, I'm living the idealic relationship. And, that's kind of sad. But, I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling alone.

its like listening to the thoughts in my head, except im a guy,in my late 20s.i have always wondered why i feel like this, but at the same time i know it cant be any other way.I get angry when i get constantly hasseled buy friends saying... what is my problem... , but the truth is i have had these feelings since i was a young boy, i knew the idea of being with another person was weird, and i know im not gay, i like women, i just dont need them as my other half.<BR>I want the sex and i want to be admired, but i cant bring myself to have a relationship, not that i sleep around, cause i dont do that,i just dont understand why i get scared shitless when a woman shows a serious intrest in me. Maybe im scared of letting someone close or maybe i know i will be nothing that they though i was and ill be a let down. I know it sounds silly,but i think what it would be like to have children, but at the same time i cant imagine having them. Apart of me wants them and the other does not,why???.this is the question that i constantly fight with.<BR>So what do i do??...all i can do is keep going and maybe 1 day it will all make sense to me, and i can take comfort in knowing that its o.k to to be alone and still have friends who understand that i am who i am.

mackayfire, I can totally relate to your comment. I've always been very insecure, when I guy was trying to talk to me I would usually think that he was rather making fun of me. I also feel like I've missed all the best part of teenage years of dating, some 15-16 y.o. have more experience (of being in a relationship) than I. <br />
I've realized that it's not a problem with my looks (I know girl who aren't that pretty in my opinion but are self-confident and have no problems with dating), but my behaviour. I often hear that I'm pretty and people are surprised why I'm always single, I've heard lately that I must be really picky, proud or inaccessible if I haven't met anyone yet but I'm just that shy and not having any experience with boys makes me even more insecure. It's like a vicious circle, the older I get the more sure I am that it will stay single forever (I'm 22 now). I want to feel close to someone but at the same time I feel safe only watching love in movies like you. I'm also afraid that someone will break my heart after waiting for so long for him.

I understand how you feel. I'm 20 and have never had a relationship despite guys trying over the years. It's the fear, I feel like I wont be myself anymore or that I'll never recover if I have my heart broken. Everything about it terrifies me. I feel like my life is over already because I know it wont change.<br />
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I'm obsessed with romantic movies and books and live through them in a way. It's a way to experience love without all the stress of actually having it. It makes me sad and people wonder what the hell my problem is but I feel like once a guy know's me they'll realise I'm not what they want.<br />
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I'm also a virgin, I have the catch 22 situation of wanting to have sex but I wouldn't be comfortable with a one night stand and so I'd have to really know the guy but that never happens.<br />
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I also feel like I've missed the crucial years of dating, having immature week-long relationships etc is more acceptable as a teenager than an adult and the longer it goes the more of an obstacle I make it in my head.<br />
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In high school I'd pursue a guy I liked (usually in a relationship) and be infatuated but once they liked me back I'd freak out and back off. Like you I ran away from it.<br />
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I always console myself that it's never too late to have love and change, even in decades to come. Only I'd have to actually stop being an insecure coward and it seems less than likely I'll let somebody in.

ME TOO. I'm 19, and I've never been in a relationship. Guys have liked/pursued me, and I've pursed them, but I freaak after they'd show interest. -sigh-

I feel the same way too...

The part of your story that I most identify with is the feeling of how all you want is for them to love you back as much as you love them. There have actually been a lot of people that have felt very strongly for me, but I just didn't feel the same way. The ones that have liked me, however, all Ive wanted was for them to love me completely, "purely" as you said, the way I felt for them.

You're definitely not alone. I feel the same way you do, corzawoodja.

I can relate somewhat to this aswell. I've never been in a relationship, and only kissed one stranger back when I was 16, I'm now 21. Although I'm still kind of young, I feel like I'm missing out on something really great, and that I've missed the years where developing relationships is crucial.