One day when I was with you, or wanting to be with you at least, I became so self-conscious of every little glance and look, every intonation and utterance, that I had to avert my eyes. They shot down fast, in a hollow attempt to outrace the light that reflected off your skin, your shape, as we stood outside of the restaurant. Didn't really matter, anyways; I caught a glimpse of my pearl-white skin stretching out to the downward horizon, naked from head to toe. I was an emperor in new clothes. Relationship clothes. And it scared the living hell out of me.

I'm so guarded. It's difficult to let someone in so close. So I avoid ever getting there.

nonplussednonsense nonplussednonsense
26-30, M
6 Responses Aug 10, 2009

I have now officially left this group. Was in a relationship for about 4 months, that started just a little after this story was written, actually, and ended this past Christmas Eve. <br />
<br />
I'm still not really sure what to take away from it. The things I wrote about in here still held true throughout the lifespan of the relationship. <br />
<br />
But, as much as I was feeling distant from the girl I was involved with, I did kind of like it. It helped my self esteem some and tempered the disdain I feel for myself just a little. But, it ended for a few different reasons... A big one linked to what I was trying to convey above.<br />
<br />
I did like telling people I had a girlfriend. :) It made me feel like I was a part of something. If just for a little bit...

I can imagine. Growth beats stagnation hands down, any way you look at it.<br />
<br />
EP was great for me when I first found it, trying to sort everything out, and deal with my problems. I look on some of those old stories like something I found wadded up under the seat of my car - black and stinking, and dripping its funk everywhere. But they helped me understand myself and what I needed to do to move past my issues. Good times.

Thank you. I have found myself semi-embracing the anonymity of this site, which affords me the ability to open up in ways I generally am unable to.<br />
<br />
I'm in the midst of trying to push myself out there right now. It is difficult, but on the bright side, easier than it was a few years ago the last time I was trying. Which means that I've at least been growing in the past year.

I love your writing...the imagery involved. How open. I feel like an intruder for reading it. <br />
<br />
Keep writing, keep dissecting. You will find a way to push yourself out there.

Yeah... Oddly, though, I hope that someone is me.

hopefully you will find someone who can...<br />
gently bring that part of you out that<br />
wants something much more.