The Name Says It All
I'm 24, and all my life, I've been getting compliments about how beautiful or stylish I am, so people who meet me now would be surprised that I don't have a boyfriend, and have never had a serious relationship. However, people who have known me longer would understand that I've always been sort of a nerd, and my idiosyncracies, combined with my shyness and poor social skills, are by no means conducive to dating. I've never been in love. I may have had a few silly infatuations, but I can't honestly say I know what love is. All I know is that it seems that either I like someone who isn't interested in me, or someone I don't want to be in a relationship with is interested in me. It's hard for me to find a man I'm attracted to. If I do, it's anybody's guess whether or not he'll be available and return my sentiments. I also have a hard time trusting people.
I know that getting to know a person is important. Men I thought were good-looking before I learned more about their not-so-attractive personalities now seem ugly to me. I think it works the other way, too. So I'm no longer setting too much stock in the way a guy looks or dresses (I've seen guys change their personal style to impress the girls they've fallen for; my brother-in-law went from "surfer boy" to "GQ" after he met my sister). However, I don't show a lot of emotion, which gives guys little indication of my feelings toward them. If they don't get enough signs to feel confident that I won't reject them, they won't try to ask me out or anything like that. I certainly won't make the first move. I still feel that grown men should be able to take the iniative, of course, in a polite and respectful way. I may have already missed an opportunity for love. I've been reading up on the subject so I might be able to know when I'm falling in love with someone. I believe in love, but I still kind of feel like it won't happen for me. I don't think the purpose of my existence is simply to find love, and I didn't really start caring about it until this year. Maybe it's got a little to do with how many women I know who are about my age and are already married, but I'm not jealous. I'm still trying to establish a career, so now is not the opportune time for me to get married, but I would like to have a husband and my own house some day. But I will have to find someone I love first, and I don't know how I'll do that. If I do, but can't express my feelings for someone, he might give up, find someone else, or move away. So, I sort of feel like I can't win. I know I can and will stay fixated on the same person for a year or more, so that will hurt me, too.