I will never kiss in my life, unfortunately...

I have come to an extremely heartbreaking conclusion now and since my true love and I are on extremely whacky/weird/bizarre terms. There is only one person on earth I ever wanted to kiss in my lifetime and it will probably not be him. However, he only just wants to be my friend right now and I told him if he were genuinely love me again... I told him to tell me immediately.  That has not happened and I'm stuck alone for life. He was everything to me. He was extremely perfect to me.  I dreamed of being with a guy like him. The major injustice is that we lived over 800 miles away and we got separated in an unfair way. He got too conformed and brainwashed by others... he became someone he wasn't and I had no control over it. I am truly incapable of being with anybody else.  I am serious, no one else in the world looks sweet to me.  You might have my key interests and the personality I go for in a guy, but if you lack that appearance... sorry... I know I'm shallow.  :*(  Please someone, help...  I would need us to get back together... but I doubt it, if he doesn't love me.  What's the point?  What also breaks my heart more is that I might have gotten his first kiss already.  Before I did!  Normally I would have cried writing this, but I've ran out of tears for this only love of mine. I am incapable of moving to another... I seriously am. I needed to be with my one and only true love the rest of my life.  Can I have another true love? No I don't think so, unless you've never been in love and you don't mind me lying to you that you're my first and only.  Maybe... just maybe...  I'm 27 now and I'm only exclusively attracted to my first and only right now... I feel hurt every single day. I considered him my one and only true love. He did too and then got convinced that true love was supernatural and stuff like that. He was never with another guy in his life and I became his first. He said I was his life-partner and that meant a lot to me and I knew we were going to be together forever.

It all worked out so magically for us. He had all of my key interests (Cannibal Corpse, death metal, guitar, Sonic the Hedgehog, Tails, South Park, cookies, cute stuff, talking cute and more). He had the same music taste as me. We were both atheists too (you can't convert me, sorry... I almost did when he converted back). I was able to read his mind with ease, he was able to read my mind. He promised me that he would never kiss anyone else and we made other promises as well.  Want me to tell you how our first kiss was going to be like?  Since we both liked sweets... I had this idea that him and I would eat sugar cookies... then without wiping the crumbs off our lips, we kiss... making it a truly sweet kiss.  That will never happen and I do not know if anyone else would agree to a thing.  We agreed to it and it filled my heart with joy.  I'm 99.9% sure it will not happen.

I do not know what to do. How do you get someone who says they can't love you anymore? I cannot talk to him anymore, he has me all wrong.  He believes I was only in a relationship to only have sex with him.  Wrong!  I loved what he had to tell me, he listened to him extremely well and he had the most amazing personality/attitude/disposition/demeanor.  Sure, he had his flaws like his birth defects and other shortcomings.  I saw through that, I found his imperfections to be perfection to me.  I was really willing to take care of him and his disabilities & ailments.  His strict Catholic mother told him I'm a predator and I go after inexperienced guys in order to take advantage of them! Impossible!!! I am inexperienced and of course I only feel comfortable being with an inexperienced guy, I am not capable of taking advantage of anybody... if I was experienced, I would not go for an inexperienced person.  However since I am inexperienced, it's cool and no problem for me. I wouldn't hurt a fly! I'm extremely worried and I've written a few songs where I lash out his mother and I kill his mother in one song. I even lash out to my first and only in one song... I don't know if he's aware of that.  My band is called Sonic Derp.  I find this extremely depressing and heartbreaking. How do I live? I do not know, I do not want to kill myself. I wanted to die of natural causes with my true love... but that is impossible now. Perhaps, I may settle for a guy who looks exactly like him... but no I do not know, he's not going to be the same. He's not going to have the same name that I'm so used to.  I won't say his name at all.  There's very few names that catch my attention, his sounded really cute to me.

There were some wrong things I said a long the way. See, he has this congenital condition that makes him grow slowly. I got upset that he might be taller than me (I'm 5'4", he said he was 5'2" or 5'3"). What is he today?  He had a dream in 2008 where we both met and he told me I was an inch taller than him!  There you go!  This kinda sorta give me hope in the future. I have no idea... if he's taller than me... I don't know what to do, I'll try my best to accept it.   In case you're wondering, he has something called CHARGE Syndrome (Google it).  He told me to go find a kid to be my boyfriend and that hurt me really badly... I am not a ********* or ephebophile (I have worked with jobs taking care of children, I'm 100% trustworthy... but once his mom knew I worked with kids, she automatically assumed I'm a pedo).  I guess I'm just attracted to extreme cuteness...  OK, so yeah... I was in love with him since he was 16 and I was 23 at the time (March 23, 2008).  I send him a private message on Sonic Stadium Message Board and ask him to be my boyfriend.  I remember that was on an Easter and I had to go to my aunt's house.  On the way to my aunt's house, I was afraid of him saying no... because of the age and location difference.  Mostly with the location difference...  To my surprise, it was a resounding yes.  He said he deeply cared about me and he accepted my offer.  I was extremely happy, he was extremely happy.  

He's from a midwestern/southern state (which I will not disclose) and I'm from New York. He was the age of consent and I was grateful for that at the time. I'm 27 going on 28 and he's 20 going on 21. Not bad, right? What else I also liked was that he had beautiful long hair and a super extremely cute androgynous face. By the time he was 17 or 18, I was extremely attracted to it... his face looked sexy and mature to me.  Actually he looked the same since 15 or 16... I did notice his jaw got a bit bigger and then his face got a bit chubbier.  He didn't like having a chubby face, I loved it.  Yet, he complained about himself looking like a 12-year old. Oh and his peers would laugh at him, not with him. He thought he had friends... truthfully, they were just laughing at him and he will never understand. The only friends I knew he had was some online, myself and one person he went middle school with. He claims to have friends now in college... He went to a Catholic high school and now goes to a Christian college. He has disabilities and people in his state are extremely ignorant about that. He has a visual impairment. Oh and he's deaf in one ear as well. He had a problem with cutting himself... I helped him get over it. When he left me and then found some other guy (online and I think it was only online to my knowledge... I hope so... if not, I'm doomed). The other guy cheated on him, stole $800 from him... why didn't my life-partner shun that creep?!?!

My life-partner has been taken advantage of so much in his life. Then I enter his life... he told me I was the first to call him sexy, the first to not treat him like s**t... so many positive firsts and I was loving it! We live in a super sad cruel world and people just love taking happiness away.  Why?  Shouldn't we all be happy?  I believe it's one of the meanings of life.  When I was with this guy, my life was complete and if I was any happier... I'd be sick. Now he's made completely and totally depressed. He tells me to get over him and I can't... I absolutely cannot. He tells me to find someone my own age... then he admits to me that he doesn't go for people who look physically similar to me!! :*( How did someone extremely nice go to extremely mean and have the worst personality you could think of. It boggles my mind... how do you lose your first and only and make promises about staying with each other... and then he leaves you?! A really insane and stupid person would do that. He was ultra intelligent! He lost his patience! Yes it was long distance and I was totally willing to wait to meet him. I hate these financial times we live in...

The height thing bothered him and yes he really said that harsh thing to me.  This occurred October 10, 2009... our first genuine heartbreaking argument.  I need my partner shorter than me... that's how I am and it's hard since I'm short myself. July 4, 2009 was the precursor of this... we befriended the wrong people and they made fun of us for being gay. I hated that and that changed my partner forever. He cried and told me he would never be happy again. He later insisted on being a Christian again and then he went back to considering himself bisexual. He is homosexual, I know that for a fact. He was happy when he was openly gay with me and stuff. I got a message from his mother via Facebook to cease all contact with him on June 3, 2010.  She told me about a letter she got from a Catholic retreat... apparently, my partner was telling the counselor things about the relationship (of course he condemned it, he's Catholic) and well... that was absolutely none of his business at all!!!  Just because some other peers had some sob stories to tell... he turns against me and he tells the counselor lies about us.  Absurd!  Those lies are from his mother.   After this, her son went on a rampage by posting offensive stuff about me and breaking my heart as much as he possibly could. I meant no harm to her son at all!!! I loved him with all of my heart and I would not hurt him at all. Yes, she got hurt by other men... she's separated from her husband. She just can't get that through her thick skull that I'm one of the most innocent people in the world and she's going to be a martyr about it the rest of her life thinking I'm an evil person. I contacted her December 6, 2010 while my partner and I were not on good terms... she respected me. Then the next messages on the day after Valentine's Day, she tells me I'm rude and other stupid stuff! I hate that!

He is truly irreplaceable. How in the world am I going to find another younger Irish/English/French/Native American, openly gay, uncircumcised, long brown hair, shorter than 5'4", has my key interests, able to read my mind easily, hyper, nice, high pitched midwestern/southern voice, cute androgynous face, never had his first kiss, never had sex, never smoked anything (my true love smoked pot once and he vowed to never know do it... cos I did and told him it wasn't great, maybe he smoked more since the last time I talked to him... but I'll forgive him for that if things work out between us again), never drank... yeah he drinks and with his congenital condition, he is killing himself. He naturally can't walk in a straight line and has poor depth perception.  I am completely and totally screwed. I am forever alone... truly and totally. I do not know what else to do. Go on be unhappy the rest of my entire life?  I found one of my meanings of life... him and he completed me so well. When he came back to me, I was hoping we'd be partners again. I was dead wrong and I've had several positive dreams of meeting up in person. He did too! He had them in the summer of 2008. I'm turning 28 soon and the rest of my years will be painful and hurtful... and if I do find a replacement, I'll be too old anyway. :*( I don't know if he'll ever read this... if so, thank you for ruining my happiness. Maybe just maybe if you already did get your first kiss and we somehow meet in person... you better kiss me enough to make up for it and I'll be so happy. I need to be happy again. I started out happy and then I reached maximum happiness with this guy. I made him happy too! He has ADHD and depression too. He was the best without the meds and totally himself. Oh man... I dunno what I'm gonna do. I will be unhappy for life.

One more thing... how insane is this? He tells me that he's forever alone and then he does not go back to me?! I love him more than anything... despite the crap I got from him for months. I forgot to mention he went back to talking to me late September to early October 2011. Too late! I wish he contacted me earlier and things would have been settled and bad things would have been prevented. Like falling for a guy who cheated on him and stole money from him... and amazingly, he still talks to that loser! He's apparently obsessed with him, because he used usernames that creep used... either to throw me off or to harm me while we were separated.  It is quite confusing.  Oh and don't say he grew up.  I've been the same way with my interests and personality for a loooong time.  He just became immature.  He was definitely mature before he hit 18 and then became immature.  Believe me, I do not talk to people who were around his age, he was the only exception due to his maturity.  In fact, at one point... one of his only friends in person was a 20 something year old college student while were in a relationship.

I'm sorry this was really really long... I had to get this out of my system. No matter what, I don't think I can be fixed. My heart cannot be rekindled. BUT prove me wrong... prove me totally wrong. :*( I will now cry and I have no idea what else to do.  I am looking for impossible love that I know I will never ever get it  Perhaps a miracle will happen he did tell me he's socially awkward and he may be still saving it, but I doubt it... I haven't talked to him since January 2012 on Skype.  I tried to get him on AIM by sending him a message on the Sonic Stadium Message Board, but he refuses and he logs in there privately... bad connotations with it, I guess...  I stopped logging in.  If you're an openly cute gay guy and you have that physical appearance I described, never been in a relationship and willing to be with me for life.  I would do it completely.  I hope you do not have a bad mother, that would not be cool...  Oh and some other things... how am I going to reestablish the inside jokes and our boyfriend nicknames (I called him sugar and he called me cutie).  I would not feel comfortable calling someone that and I cannot think of another nickname at all... sorry...  I am extremely screwed for life...
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May 21, 2012