I Have Been

manipulated into believing I was loved, I have been lied to many times but never have I really, truly been loved.

Guess when I was younger and more naive I would believe them when they'd say they love me, but...as time passed by in each relationship I would feel it creeping on me; that feeling telling me there's a big difference between their words and their actions.
Rarely did the actions follow the elaborately put lies and even when they did I could feel the purpose behind those actions and it had nothing to do with love, but everything to do with them needing me to fulfill some of their needs at the moment.
It could be anything, from simple sex fantasy to ego boost on a bad day or a meal they want, money, favor...service to provide them with.
And upon realizing that, I'd leave...leaving a piece of my heart behind me, till some years ago I suddenly realized I didn't leave enough of my heart to suffice me.
Emptiness, loneliness...it's eating me inside. The constant feeling of waiting for this imaginary person that will never come. Cause they don't exist.

There is no dream lover of mine, who'll do everything in his power to make me happy to be with him, to want to stay, safe enough to relax in knowing he's got my back, he'd never hurt me, he just want's us to grow old together happy and in love, till death parts us.
In the meantime I fell in love with another one that didn't love me but did his best to fake it. I was so annoyed by the fact he thought he could easily fool me, I flat out told him to stop trying so hard, cause he cannot.

He was in shock. Never been pointed out by a woman like that, before. He didn't say a thing. He pulled away ashamed.

Didn't take him long before he started acting like a ****, being arrogant with me. Just because his ego was hurt by my intelligence. He had to make peace with the fact he's not such a player after all.

I? I still cry myself to sleep.
Ignorance IS bliss sometimes. Seeing how I never was and never truly will be loved, put a mark on me. An invisible little frown that can never be taken away from me. A lonely reminder of my sorrow.

Guess I have a grown up's face now. No dreams, just bleak reality.
Men just don't love. Not like we do.
Godess4Fun Godess4Fun
36-40, F
1 Response Sep 12, 2012

Why would someone need to fight for your love? Doesn't that imply that you expect a man should boost your ego while at the same time you destroy his? With that attitude all you get are arrogant men or men who can get any girl they want because they are "players". They try one girl, she rejects, but they can afford it because they are trying with more girls at a time.