Love Virgin

I have never been loved. 

I grew up in a loving family.  I am fortunate to have two daughters who never end a conversation without telling me they love me.

I have plenty of friends who care about me.  I am beautiful, articulate, compassionate, have a great sense of bumor and am fun to be around.  I help others and genuinely care about other people.  I am passionate, warm, sexy.  I don't have a problem meeting men.  And when I do, they often tell me I am amazing, beautiful, sexy, and smart.

Yet, I have never been loved.

I have often felt an emptiness which cannot be filled.  I have tried for years to find things to fill that hole.  I have compulsively shopped, exercised, , drank, have had casual sex.  Nothing has helped.

I ended  up marrying a horribly abusive man whom I never loved and who never loved me. He never wanted to be intimate with me and when I would say something, he would tell me I was crazy because women should not like sex. Once again, I ran away from  my feelings and tried to fjll  myself by volunteering, caring for my daughters, and doing whatever I could.  Eventually, it caught up with me and I was strong enough to leave.  Best thing I have ever done.

When I was in college, I remember by grandmother telling me sex was better if you are in love with the person.  I was a virgin at the time but still brushed it off.  Although, over the years, I often thought about her advice.  Especially after I had casual sex. 

As I get older, I find myself maybe agrreeing with her.  Or at least wondering if that might be true.  I do not really know if I will ever find that out.

I find  myself really sad.  I often cry for a few days when I am alone.

I wish I did not care.   I try so hard to just forget about it or stay busy.  I am afraid to be alone because when I am, I have to face that.

I often attract men who are not available.  I look to  myself for answers why.  I appear strong.  I am not desperate. I don't even care if I ever get remarried.  Men tell me I am the most fascinating womam they have ever met.  Yet, none have ever said they love me.

I just wish I did not care.  But it hurts so much.

Writergirl27 Writergirl27
Jul 24, 2010