I Love, But Never Seem To Be Loved

I've never been loved. It's rather odd admitting that online. I suppose that is the beauty of anonymity. My father was abusive when i was very young, and i am now convinced that he is a sociopath. He is unable to feel emotions toward other people, even his children. My mother was completely unreachable. She suffered from postpartum depression, and continued to feel, what i believe was resentment towards me well into my adulthood. I was sexually abused by an older brother. I didn't have friends growing up, because as one might imagine, i was a bit odd, and incredibly sad for a child my age. I do however, have three younger siblings who i practically raised. I love them absolutely and completely. i would sacrifice anything, have sacrificed most of my life, to protect them. I don't regret the things i have given up to keep them safe. They are positively wonderful. I love them unconditionally, so i know what unconditional love feels like. I thank God that i know this, i can't imagine what i would be like if i didn't know this type of love. Though they love me, it is not an unconditional love, nor do they understand me or what i have been through (and they never will if i can help it). They don't need to be troubled with any of my problems, growing up in our house, they have enough problems of their own. Though i hope they are not quite as screwed up as i am, because they had me to love them unconditionally. I give my love to people freely, because i would rather love people than be suspicious of them. But they are constantly disappointing me. They use my generosity and my shyness to their own advantage. They don't love me. I fear i will never be loved. I fear i am unlovable. There must be something about me that is in some way repulsive. i just want one person - only one person, to love me for who i am. I just want to feel safe for once in my life. i'm tired of being alone, and being strong on my own. I just want to be loved. 
Delilah00021 Delilah00021
18-21
3 Responses May 22, 2012

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You are not unlovable. You have a loving, caring heart. Other people's selfishness makes them let you down and not offer unconditional love. I think you would be a wonderful friend to have.

I AM SO SORRY TO READ YOUR STORY. I DOUBT THAT YOU WILL BELIEVE THIS, BUT ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE KIND OF STORY YOU DID, I DIDN'T FEEL A LOT OF LOVE AT HOME EITHER. AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU'VE GONE THROUGH, NO MATTER WHO DIFFERENT THE STORY MAYBE, IF YOU FEEL DON'T FEEL LOVE, THE HURT AND DISAPPOINTMENT AND DEPRESSION, AND ALL THE MANY EMOTIONS ARE THE SAME FOR ALL. ONE THING I CAN TELL YOU IS THIS, I FOUND LOVE IN GOD. I STILL STRUGGLE WITH BEING LOVED HERE ON EARTH, BUT GOD HAS REALLY HELPED ME TO HAVE PEACE ABOUT SO MUCH IN MY LIFE. EVEN THE DEEP DEPRESSION I WENT THROUGH. I MAKE MISTAKES ALL THE TIME, AND STILL HE FORGIVES ME. MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO THINK ABOUT ASKING GOD TO HELP YOU WITH THIS. BECAUSE YOU "ARE LOVED'!