The Last Virgin?

Well, I don't generally go 'round advertising this, ya' know.

Especially not in this day and age, ey? I mean, a 46 year old virgin--who's not a nun? Actually, I used to be Catholic--even worked in a convent for two years (shudders)--that was...an experience.

 Being Catholic wasn't my idea, mind. It was my dad's--who wasn't even a devout Catholic--but to whom image was everything. He refused to let mum go to church with us on Sundays, as she was Lutheran and he was ashamed of that, for some reason. But then, that was normal for dad--if anyone didn't fit his idea of "image," even his own family members, that person was either dismissed from his presence or verbally put down. So, mum was excluded from church--mostly because she was protestant, but also, I think, 'cause she was fat. She didn't used to be, but being around dad was a bit of a bummer, so mum put on more and more weight as time went on. And dad hated fat people, as well. Blacks, fat people, foreigners, poor people---and educated people intimidated him (including me, after I went to college.) He loved rich people, though--virtually worshiped the ground rich people walked on. Dad may have been catholic, but money was his God--tho' truth to tell, he was never able to get himself out of the lower middle class (ie: blue collar/ chav) though, sadly for him.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I positively hated being Catholic--not meaning to offend any Catholics out there, I do really have a lot of respect for the religion, but it just didn't suit me, personally--what I believe and how I prefer to worship and such--well, that and being traumatized at the tender age of 12, by a priest almost literally foaming at the mouth at me in confessional, for not remembering how to say confession properly. Kind of killed the brotherly love aspect for me.  So no, I was NEVER a nun!

But I am a virgin yes. There's several reasons for that, a dark reason that I cannot discuss here and also a couple of lesser reasons.

I've never been kissed on the lips--not sure how I'd take that, now, in my "old age." I've not dated in over 10 years...and I've never dated the same guy more than a handful of times. Without exception, in the end, all my dates ever wanted from me, was either sex, or to use me to show off to his ex. I've dated guys that have told me outright, that they had other girlfrieds--really tacky, guys, to say to a gal on a date. Before you make the date, maybe--but on the date itself? Yeah, that went over well. I remember one guy virtually bragging to me--on my date--how many girlfriends he had, and how many times he was shagging them every week. So...dating. Forget it. Not worth it. Had a guy tell me--again, on the first date--that he couldn't "get serious" with me, if I didn't convert to his born-again Christian religion.
Okay, then. Check please!

oh and the last guy, I met online through an historical hobby message board. We'd be writing each other for months, and he said he was coming to my area. Asked if we could meet over coffee. Sure, why not--public place what could happen? Yeah. Well, seems he also wanted me to show him some of the historic sites--couldn't find how to get to Fort Ticonderoga. So, okay. We meet in the local diner in my town. Now, he wrote me that he was 55--I was 35 at the time, and I may be an old maid--but I'm an open-minded one, and don't care about age differences--up to a point, anyway. Well...Mr X exceeded that point---turns out, he was exactly my mum's age! She was, I think, 70 at the time. Yeah--I may have dyscalculia (math disability)...but even I know... 55 and 70--they don't add up. But he seemed genuine--said he didn't think I'd want to see him or write to him, if I thought he was that old--didn't buy that 100 percent...but I was willing to give him some leeway. Bad move. So, we drove out to Fort Ti---it was a hot day, did he offer to buy me a cold drink? No. In fact, he never even offered to pay for my coffee...I don't mind Dutch treat at all--I've paid my own tab more times than not, but an offer would have been the gentlemanly thing to do...at least, that's my thinking. Okay, so we get to ticonderoga--but not without him going on about what "a nice motel room" he had. (Hint-hint, wink and a nudge)...oh yeah, that was subtle.

Well, we got to Fort Ticonderoga--and he was all miffed at me, because I didn't have any admission price for the fort tour on me--well, I hadn't planned on going to the blinkin' historic site, had I? I'd just gone out with coffee money, and pocket change for a phone call, if need be. (I've been naive--but not totally daft.) I mean, you could still walk the grounds for free--you just couldn't go inside, or go on the guided tour with the costumed guide, that's all. But, he got all put out and drove me home---via the town where he was staying--which was about 20 miles south of where I lived--and we were 40 miles or so to the north, of my town, at the historic site. So, bit of a detour then--and I was NOT amused!

 He insisted I go inside to "see" (wink-nudge, know-what-I-mean)  his room. I poked my head in---yeah, it's a room, thanks for the tour, bye. I wound up bumming a ride home from a neighbour who worked at a restaurant near the old fart's hotel. The old fart started calling my home and bugging my mum all night--so I threated to tell his wife about us---oh, didn't mention that did I? He'd also written me that he was divorced. He wasn't. Yeah---Like a nun, I made a vow that night---NEVER AGAIN. And, like a nun, I've kept my vows...I have not, and never ever will, date a guy ever again. No. And if I was a lesbian--I wouldn't date a girl, either!

So, I'm alone.

Actually, those are the lighter reasons. The other two reasons are much more complicated and a lot tougher to talk about. And I've never really done that, in my life, and may never be able to--don't know.

But, I don't relate really, to love stories. I've never been in love--and no guy has ever loved me. And I doubt very much any guy ever will. No guy has ever wanted me--for just...me. I wish that weren't true, but it is, and it's always going to be that way. No avoiding the truth...I'm just not a very lovable person, I guess. I mean, what guy wants to date a woman who can't have sex? No guys that I know of--'least not in America.




whovian whovian
46-50, F
12 Responses Mar 16, 2007

I am 33 years olds, a female and have Asperger's and Bi-Polar and I have never had sex and honestly I do feel alone. But with my problems it is even harder to interact with people and with me being homosexual it's even more tougher. Sometimes I feel like I am a loser and that I am unattractive. It doesn't help that I am considered obese and that it makes me feel even more ugly and unattractive. I mean I am 5'3" and 195lbs and I hate the way that I look.

Socializing is a nightmare for me and I've tried bars only to leave after an hour crying because I feel alone and that somehow I messed up. I don't even know how to ask someone out and again, being a homosexual it would be very hard to ask another women out.

I am at least glad that I am not the only virgin in the world.

I'm 26 and I'm a virgin. I do kiss but never go all the way because I want it that way. But people (men, in this case) don't really understand it. Apparently, I'm a fun person, but sexually boring. What the heck? Man, I don't even know if there's such a thing as a nice guy. Really, they all want sex. What's wrong with them?

Being who you are. No need to compromise. Being a virgin is not a shame.

Hi all,<br />
<br />
I no longer write on this website. Mainly because of some comments from some very shallow and culturally disabled people--the type that have to write mean and/or hurt ful things, to make themselves feel better about their own life. <br />
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It's probably because no one has to reveal t heir true identity, I suppose. <br />
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I know there's a LOT of wonderful people on here too--and grailsearcher, and all the rest who've posted above over time, you lot are super nice people, and I really do appreciate the comments you've left me--yes, I have read them as they come in. <br />
<br />
This is just one of about a half-dozen personal websites I use...mostly for hobby writing, but I do have a "main" blog now, that I write in daily. I switched to this blog because I can control the comments--but on my main blog, it is actually quite rare for me to get negative comments--and I have people who genuinely care about me on there, as well, including two of my very best friends (whom I've never actually met). <br />
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My "I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks" blog, is a general blog that discusses many topics, and, true, it isn't always as personal, and doesn't always go as deep as this site--tho' it does from time to time. Yet, I like it there.<br />
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I am very uncomfortable with not knowing who my commenters are--not that I need to know people personally, but I've had some horrible comments here, once during a time when I was suffering deep depressin and nearly suicidal--that's not good. So, I left. <br />
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thanks again. I will still come on here to read comments, but I won't be posting here any longer.

The person who said you were a gifted writer was right. Forgive me but the (Hint-hint, wink and a nudge) put just the right amount of humor into a story that has so many aspects to it. <br />
I was a virgin when I got married and wanted it that way. Don't get me wrong, I am a guy and there were times I thought i would go out of my mind. The thing I believe I see in our current society is a lack of value or self-esteem. Why would that be? A man or woman who is willing to to give something at the least very personal, and at the most, precious and sacred, to meet the approval of another who may dump them for another conquest the next day, week, month, or whenever cannot have a high degree of self-esteem. I don't know what your problems are, but there are women who would have been throwing themselves on his bed just in the hope that it would make them feel better. <br />
Just possibly you are FAR MORE than what you think. I want to read more of your stories... I don't know what you look like... but you definitely have an attractive side. Physical beauty will definitely fade, but what you have can continue to blossom and grow.

Oh my god I thought there was nobody left like that! I don't mean that in a bad way, I'm very relieved. I'm 18 and haven't kissed a guy in *thinks* put it this way, it was at least five years ago and then it was just a kiss on the cheek for my mum's photo album. I've never had sex and I have no intention of doing so in the near future, not that there is anyone around who would do it with me.

:)

Don't feel bad I'm 28 and while I can't say that I've never been kissed I can say that I have never been all the way it just never seemed to be the right person at the right time

You aint alone...and im a guy! The thing is these days sex is seen as a casual thing, something we all should be doing and if we aint your outcasted! Finding mr and mrs right aint easy because were polluted with evil, disrespectful obnoxious people! just remember if u choose to be alone u aint really alone.

Hey, I'm 24 and I've never had sex either. I'm in the same boat as you are! I've never had a boyfriend, dated, or kissed anyone... It's not that I'm unattractive. There's been times I've almost let my guard down for a guy and he ends up hurting me. I know the right one will ride up on his white horse and whisk me a way, one of these days...

some very deep insight

you are a gifted writer, and for starters, you sell yourself short! wonderfully written story-- thank you for sharing!