He Never Cared About Me
And that is the sad truth.
My mother left my real father when I was an infant. He never tried to contact me or reach out to me in any way... he just let us both go forever, even though I lived my entire childhood less than 40 miles away from him.
We met once when I was 7, outside of wal-mart by chance. I remember a strange man saying he was my "father", and looking at me closely. The word meant as much to me as he did- nothing. He offered to give me a pair of my older half-sister's used shoes- yeah, the child he *was* looking after. He said they had pink laces. I remember wanting the shoes- I was too young to be as insulted as my mother was.
I was curious about him on and off, but I never missed his presence in my life because I never knew there was anything to miss.
When I was 12 years old, a letter came in the mail from my half-sister. I remember overhearing my mother and grandmother debating over whether or not to let me read it. I came out and said I wanted to read it, so they let me. In the letter, she confessed she had found my address and pictures in a lockbox of his she had broken into. He had never told her about me, and she wanted to meet me. She was 16 at the time.
I met her at a skating rink for the first time. She was so happy to see me. I was happy to have a friend. We had a great time and she introduced me to her friends- I was very shy. I saw her a couple more times after that but strangely my dad never showed up to those meetings.
Finally we met again at a fair. I was elated to have a father, whatever that meant. He bought me rides and I tailed after him and his cockatiel-looking wife. She looked exactly like Mimi and was just as mean, I came to find out.
He would always blame his not seeing me on my mother (false) and ask me, "I'm a good dad, right?" It made me ill, but I always said "Yes, of course".
As time passed, I saw him more often. He gave me cigarettes (some dad, huh?) and took me fishing. My 16-year-old sister had condoms hanging all over her door and a boyfriend who stayed with them on and off- in her room!
My family never celebrated Christmas (Pagan holiday and all) , so I had my very first christmas at my father's house that year. He and my stepmother got me everything from the dollar tree, and my step-sister got a $150 dress. My half-sister got expensive jewelry.
When I was 17, I asked my father for $100 so I could go to south carolina and be with my own boyfriend (I had to leave my own house because my step father was an abusive crack addict). I had tried to stay with him before that point but had to move in with my half-sister (now the biggest coke dealer in town) as my step mother didn't want me there.
When I asked my father for money, he called me a c*nt and exploded on me. I didn't speak to him again for 2 years.
The next time I spoke to him, it was because (surprise) my sister had called me and told me he was in the hospital dying of lung cancer. Well, he wasn't. He had bronchitis.
He just wanted to whine to me about how hard life had been on him. He never apologized to me for anything- not once. Never.
He swore that day that he would keep in touch with me. Lied again. He called me that night, and didn't call me again for 3 years.
Let's bring this to date- my older sister now has 2 children (that I know of) and she's absolutely off her rocker. On all sorts of drugs, can't keep it together, keeps getting her kids taken away, etc. My father (***** donor?) now is the same as he always has been- completely self-absorbed and irresponsible.
I haven't spoken with him in over 4 years. It's been hard knowing that my father never cared about me, even when he got to know me. I really haven't had much positive male influence in my life, and it's harmed my relationship with men, and with myself.
I fortunately recieved lots of love and guidance from my mother (although the 8-year stint with the crack addict during my formative years didn't help), and I have a level-enough head to realize the implications of this and try to understand and heal myself.
Most people aren't that lucky.
If you are a father, be a man. Look after your children and never, EVER emotionally abandon them.