Gone Again

It seems as though whenever I get back on my feet, I'm pushed back down. Tripped. My dad said he'd never do it again. He went clean for a while. But a week later, the drugs were back. And they're not going away. And now my best friend... My only life line... Him too. Marijuana. I hate it. I HATE IT. I hate weed, cigarettes, alcohol. I don't care who likes it or says that it's okay to get drunk or a bit high. It only hurts. It's only hurt me. Suicide isn't an option. My dad said so himself that I'm not the child that he wants alive. He want's my older brother. My dead older brother. He wants me to disappear. I still marvel at how he stuck with me so long while my mom took off some 12 years back. I look too much like them. I hate it. I hate my nose. I hate my hair. My mother's nose. My father's hair. My father? Druggy. Drug dealer. Alcoholic. He's nothing to me anymore. Simply just a title. "Dad". A meaningless word, really. I just have my best friend... I'm losing it. I'm laughing. I hate laughing. I hate people. I sing. I love to sing. I hate it. I'M LOSING MY MIND. But I still have it on a leash. It can't go away. I won't let go. Cutting, smoking, giving in? That would only prove them right. I can't let it happen. I won't let it happen. Nobody knows this. I'm losing it again and again. It's nothing new that I'm depressed. Long gone. Again.
Greniad Greniad
18-21, F
2 Responses Jan 17, 2013

sorry it took a while to get around to looking at your stories. but i think you are a strong person, you can overcome all of this. you WILL overcome it.

you can do this
we all beleive in you
you are going through hell and all its **** but u r still pushing on and so determined not to give in. u r really strong. determined. brave.
goodluck bro. respect