I Prepared For "someone" How Does Not Exist...

Since I was a kid I was educated in a very strict way.

"You still can't have a boyfriend because it's wrong"
"The girls who has 'many boyfriends' are not worth"
"You have to WAIT until that someone comes and save you"
"You don't have to be the girlfriend of 'any' guy. He has to be worth"
"You have to be a decent girl"
"The good girls don't go to parties or drink alcohol"
"You have to study and you have to walk from school to home and from home to school, that's it"

And more things that now I don't remember. I'm not here to criticize my parents because I know they love me and did what they thought it was correct. I'm just surprised that it took me all of these years realize how I was acting. I was very shy and "careful". I was very careful of being the "perfect girl" for that "Someone" who would come some day.

And I know it can sound so silly. But I didn't realize that I had this thoughts in my heart. I avoided doing so many things because I wanted to be clean because that Someone could get upset with me and not finding me pure. And after two years of leaving home and living on my own I realize that that Someone does not exist. "He" is just in my mind. There's no perfect people and there's no the perfect guy who would find me and would appreciate the sacrificed person that I am.

If you see me I am a very normal person. I have my work, my friends, but what concerns to boys I'm very, very reserved. As if I were keeping my pureness to that person. It's ridiculous. I wanted to do many things but I dind't do it. I wanted to even say many things and I stayed quiet. I thought some things I could say were not "proper", not characteristic of a lady.

And now, almost 25 years old I don't know how to react to certain situations, I don't know how to avoid questions from some guys, I don't know how to act in front of the guy that I'm interested in. I don't know anything! I haven't given those little steps: kisses, hugs and don't talk about sex.

Please, don't make fun of this if you read it.
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1 Response Mar 2, 2012

You're right in that perfection isn't so much a reality as an ideal. Your prince will come.

I think sharing and understanding where your feelings are coming from may help.