Will I Ever Have a Boyfriend?

My deepest darkest fear is that NO, I'll never have a boyfriend...EVER.

At first, I was always defensive.  I thought that I was too pretty, smart and funny to not have a boyfriend.  Sure, I had some excess pounds here and there, a stubby nose, etc. - but so did the other girls!  Why am I the only one left single?

Then, I became more open.  One day, it just hit me: if there's nothing wrong with me physically or personality-wise, I guess there's something deep inside me that repels guys so much.  Whatever that thing is, I was determined to get rid of it and move on (preferably with guy).  I tried to open up more, toning down my not-so-nice habits (being too sarcastic, defensive, snappish, etc.), and building my confidence. My outlook in life changed, and I gained more friends...but still no boyfriend.

I waited for a while, and finally there was a glimmer of hope.  There was a guy who seemed to be really in to me, despite of me looking like I don't own a hairbrush.  In fact, I was not even nice to the guy, yet he liked me, for me.  I was flattered.

We went out for a bit, holding hands and such.  One night while out with friends, I got my first *gasp* kiss.  The next day, I was running for the hills.

I stopped replying to his messages and answering his calls.  I avoided him at all costs, at one point literally hiding (I suddenly slipped in a room when I noticed that he was walking on my direction).   I was horrible, I know. 

But crux of the matter is this: why did I throw the opportunity of having a boyfriend away?  I finally had a chance at a relationship, something that I wanted for the longest time, but I backed out.  The answer is simple:

I don't want a boyfriend.

And no, I don't want a *girl*friend either (I thought about this earlier, and...naaah!).   It took me a decade to realize this, but relationships - at least those that involve love - just happen.  I don't go around running after people to make them my friends, they just become.  Heck, sometimes enemies end up as friends, who would have guessed?

To go back to my original question:  Will I ever have a boyfriend?  I don't know.  I'll be honest, and say that the mere idea of never ever having a boyfriend, lover or husband and growing old alone scares me to death.  The thought of not being a mother saddens me.  I'm envious of lovers.  Nevertheless, this is a possibility that I have to face. 

I don't want to *just* settle, to have a boyfriend for the sake of having one.  I want the real deal.  Is this too much to ask?



queen1986 queen1986
8 Responses Jul 11, 2009

I think you have an avoidant personality in romantic relationships, that's all.

Hi i have just found your message maybe a little late. but i was wndering how your boyfriend search was going being that it is 1 year and 4 months ago since you wrote this message i was wondering if we could be friends or maybe more if we hit if off. if you have found a boyfriend then im so proud of you and well done. maybe we can still be friends

i will tell you what is more scary... ending up with the wrong person and missing out on what could have been the love of your life. waking up everyday with such a sadness that runs deep into your soul. laying in bed at night next to your husband and feeling so alone.... trust me when i say this is scary. don't just settle.

No, it's not to much to ask. But for a girl, kissing guys is a goodness. Your flight was based on some fear, or ?? Why not flirt more and kiss those you like?

this probably seems like a totally weird diversion, but, have you ever looked into add?I just recently started treatment (I was diagnosed early in college), and it really seems to help.I've had a lot of trouble sustaining relationships, I've had 1 girlfriend (oh; I'm a guy! ;) ). I'm 25.But I'm not socially dumb; I'm pretty intuitive about people. I'm smart, and I'm actually pretty good looking! :)ADD can mess with our ability to make sense of others--it seems like people are feeling and wanting and desiring and deciding 40X faster than us. Yet, if we're smart, we figure ways around it--we do well in school, perform well enough socially so that those around us never suspect a difference!And women are way underdiagnosed: with different social expectations, you're struggles will look different than ours :(Not trying to say there's anything wrong with you, but, if you find yourself ever looking for new possible solutions, it might be something to spend a few minutes looking into. A good place to start is a Yale psychologist named Thomas Brown. His book is really good, and his website has a lot on it.

double comment! hey, i found a poem i wrote that pretty much is about this dilemma. don't feel obliged to compliment it, haha, i just like sharing cause i'm a freak =D<br />
<br />
you're only half a human until you love someone<br />
i give myself time and never tried to understand another<br />
poor table manners and eyes that crisscross and betray you<br />
weaving contradictions, habits that'll kill you in time<br />
a slow falling gem with so much potential<br />
bad breathe friends and brash, ugly men<br />
the trash at the bottom that still need companion<br />
try to look over them, but you stand on the same land<br />
wringing your hands as you wave away plans to be loved

god, i feel exactly the same. i want someone i truly connect with, but at the same time i'm embarrassed by my lack of experience at my age. i've been on one date and it was because my friend guilted me into it and i ignored the guy's texts immediately after- granted i wasn't into him at all so it wasn't like your dilemma where you may have liked the fellow. still, it's a really awkward situation, isn't it?

I'm a romantic so if i ever do have a boyfriend it has to be the *real thing*, the head over heels, can't think straight when i'm around them kind of situation. I've never had a boyfriend either but i still believe there is someone out there that will just take your breath away. It might take us a while to find those lucky guys but I'm sure we both will :D