Will I Ever Have a Boyfriend?
My deepest darkest fear is that NO, I'll never have a boyfriend...EVER.
At first, I was always defensive. I thought that I was too pretty, smart and funny to not have a boyfriend. Sure, I had some excess pounds here and there, a stubby nose, etc. - but so did the other girls! Why am I the only one left single?
Then, I became more open. One day, it just hit me: if there's nothing wrong with me physically or personality-wise, I guess there's something deep inside me that repels guys so much. Whatever that thing is, I was determined to get rid of it and move on (preferably with guy). I tried to open up more, toning down my not-so-nice habits (being too sarcastic, defensive, snappish, etc.), and building my confidence. My outlook in life changed, and I gained more friends...but still no boyfriend.
I waited for a while, and finally there was a glimmer of hope. There was a guy who seemed to be really in to me, despite of me looking like I don't own a hairbrush. In fact, I was not even nice to the guy, yet he liked me, for me. I was flattered.
We went out for a bit, holding hands and such. One night while out with friends, I got my first *gasp* kiss. The next day, I was running for the hills.
I stopped replying to his messages and answering his calls. I avoided him at all costs, at one point literally hiding (I suddenly slipped in a room when I noticed that he was walking on my direction). I was horrible, I know.
But crux of the matter is this: why did I throw the opportunity of having a boyfriend away? I finally had a chance at a relationship, something that I wanted for the longest time, but I backed out. The answer is simple:
I don't want a boyfriend.
And no, I don't want a *girl*friend either (I thought about this earlier, and...naaah!). It took me a decade to realize this, but relationships - at least those that involve love - just happen. I don't go around running after people to make them my friends, they just become. Heck, sometimes enemies end up as friends, who would have guessed?
To go back to my original question: Will I ever have a boyfriend? I don't know. I'll be honest, and say that the mere idea of never ever having a boyfriend, lover or husband and growing old alone scares me to death. The thought of not being a mother saddens me. I'm envious of lovers. Nevertheless, this is a possibility that I have to face.
I don't want to *just* settle, to have a boyfriend for the sake of having one. I want the real deal. Is this too much to ask?