28 And Still Girlfriendless -- Why??

First off I just wanna say I'm glad I found this group on EP. All my guy friends since childhood have found "the one" and I haven't even found the first. So I've never met anyone in my situation that I can relate to. It's been frustrating bottling all this in for years.

Anyway, I'm 28 years old and have never had a girlfriend. Although I've been on countless dates, casually dated women, and slept with several of them, the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing has just never happened to me.

All the time I'm asking myself... why? Why have I never just "met that person" throughout all my experiences? I look in the mirror and see a fit, somewhat good-looking guy. As far as my personality, I'm smart, college-educated, talented, funny (around people I'm comfortable with), sweet, affectionate, and a plethora of other good qualities.

But I can only maintain this positive facade for so long. When I look back, I think I understand why I've always been single.

Since childhood, I've been a short guy (currently 5'4") and pretty shy. Throughout grade school and college, I lacked self-confidence severely, didn't play sports, and wasn't very popular. A lot of girls saw me as "a friend" during those times; I heard it so much that it's given me quite a complex. The worst part was that I was VERY negative and whiny. It took me a long time to realize all that bitching about "Why don't girls just like me?!?" was directly attributed to those traits.

In recent times I've kicked a lot of these bad habits. I've gained a lot of independence, self-confidence, and positive behaviors, most notably after my move to California by myself in 2011. I work out often -- thus, I'm more in shape and am more athletic. I also have a decent car, an interesting job, and am working on graduate school to have a more enriched, promising future.

But because I'm 28 and still girlfriendless, I've discovered myself inside a vicious cycle that gets worse as I age: I get clingy when I meet a girl I like. I'm aware of it, and it feels impossible to fix.

It sounds silly and unrealistic, but I wish I could meet a girl that'll give me a chance... one who loves my personality so much that she's willing to stick around while I work through my bad habits and eventually become awesome.

Unfortunately, the world -- and women -- do not work this way.

I've tried a lot of things.... therapy, online dating, etc. I met a lot of women in real life through online dating, but a big majority of them I could not connect with or was unattracted to. The one or two that I did like, I think I scared off with my clinginess. I'm done with online dating for now.

I questioned my sexuality, many times. "Maybe I'm gay and don't realize it, so I subconsciously push women away," I've thought to myself. But then I ask myself the simple question, am I attracted to men or women? And the answer is always "women". I think they're beautiful, and I love ****, vagina, and ***.

I have two cases of "the one who got away". One was a female friend in high school, who at the time I wasn't attracted to. I thought of her as a little sister. By the time I found out she had a crush on me throughout high school, and that she had grown up to be beautiful, very smart, and very sexy, she was happily married. I regret being so closed-minded about her every single ******* day. The second was a girl I met through online dating 8 months ago. She was very fun, cute and totally my type, but... I scared her off with my clingyness. Yeah, that whole thing.

So that's my story. I made a bunch of mistakes in the past and am now a relationship virgin because of them. I missed the bus and am waiting for it to come back, but I lose faith every day that it won't.

Any advice is appreciated, as I don't want to live like this forever.
RobAcid RobAcid
26-30, M
5 Responses Oct 13, 2012

Me to

Some girls like clingy men, because they love the care, attention and chasing. But they might mistake the clingy part for desperation. The latter can be a turn off for both men and women. Because what if he is in love with the relationship, and not with the person in the relationship? That's a really scary thing. Another thing is: its okay to be in her friendzone first. Many science statistics prove that. Just don't remain in there. Easier said than done, I know. But here is a little story: I have known this guy for years. He is 31 and has been single his whole life. He asks me out now and then, but I always refuse. Just not interested, because he seems boring. Not because he has been single. I don't mind that at all, because its kinda cute. The thing is we are colleagues and we meet every week. But we don't really know that much about each other, because we don't hang out in the freetime. One day we went on a trip together with a group of friends. On that trip I saw other sides of him... And somehow we started dating...not yet gf/bf though....but I really like him ^^ So my tips for coming out of a friendzone is: change the scenario, change the activity, show her new sides of you and spend more time together in that situation.

So start with being her friend first, because its easier to have conversations. Taking it slowly to know each other. She will know about your single life. How you are in good days/crappy days. And when she says yes to date you, it means she accepts everything.

Yah something tells me you aren't seeing him anymore, your in the friendzone once, theres reason you were there, whether its conscious of subconscious

Are you me? No really, this is my life story exactly. Late boomer with massive insecurities. Got laid first around 21 but after that, some how hooking up, casual dating is never a problem. Just haven't had a relationship. I actually lived most of my life thinking I don't need a relationship.

Part of the problem has been that I was attached to this girl I met online and we had a crazy relationship on and off and somehow it dragged on for 9 years. It started when I was 16. Also all the things I have seen and read, only make me more cynical about love.

What's worst, now that I am looking for a relationships, I come across prospects but they are none I love. None that anywhere near what I would consider love would be. Sometimes I think I can never love. But now I feel like risking it. To go and see if I can fool myself into believing love is more than just a chemical reaction and guess what, I actually have two options. It's crazy how this works.

As for being clingy- Since you know it, don't do it. Realize it's a habit thing. You aren't programmed this. Also the one that got away, yeah it could be because you keep thinking about her, you become overly attached and clingy. Change focus? I am sure it would not be hard for you, given all you have accomplished.

So stop being clingy;) if you think that's the problem. As for height I don't think it matters that much. I mean I've been attracted to guys who were "short". Maybe the best would be to just stop focusing on finding a gf so much. Just focus on having fun, meeting people... and don't care about finding a girlfriend, maybe then you'll find her. :)

Well baby i was w the wrong man for 5 yrs and he was the only relationship i had since jr high.....thats been over 3 yrs now and here i am....single! Y.....i dnt know.....yea it has its bad times and its good.but i think im ready to settle. But the answer to this is not the same for everyone. I hope u the best in ur findings! U r a good looking man too!!!!!

Thanks! :) I don't know if I'm ready to settle given my lack of a relationship resume, but I'll do it if the right girl comes along. Good luck to you!