Always Kept To Myself

I am 25 and I never had a girlfriend. The real reason for this is that I never really put myself in a position where I could meet someone.

When I was a kid in elementary school I was picked on a lot (more than anyone else in the school) and I ended up developing issues with being social and talking to other people. I have since learned how to cope with this for specific situations but I still get slight panic attacks anytime I have to meet with a large group of people, talk to someone I don't know very well, go to an interview or give some kind of presentation.

When I went to high school I ended up finally making some friends but because it was an all boys school and I was too uneasy about joining clubs and never went to any dances with the neighboring all girls school I never ended up meeting anyone.

I had very good grades and I ended up getting into a very demanding engineering program at a well regarded technical university. In my class of over 100 students only about 5 were women. At this point in my life I had decided to dedicate myself to my studies and because of that I usually ended up spending all my time on my own and again never really met anyone.

Despite my issues from when I was younger, my life now is going very well. I am about to get a masters degree in applied science with a high grade average and two published journal articles to my name. I am just starting to apply for some very nice jobs and because of my experience I don't expect to have too much trouble getting a position I would like (as long as I can keep it together throughout the interviews and not panic). Thanks to scholarships and the internships I had throughout school I don't have any major debt. Most importantly I have developed a very strong personality despite the social issues and have a very good sense of who I am and what my interests are.

What I would really like is to meet someone who has the same interests I have and genuinely likes me for who I am. The truth is that I don't even have any friends who share my strange mix of interests and I doubt I will ever find a woman who shares my interests. (Think video games, fantasy, science fiction, really good classic movies, really bad movies, old cartoons, anime, DnD, internet culture, computers, jogging, Catholicism and various genres of metal music). All of my current friends are just people I have worked with during my masters degree and their main interests are sports, cars and going out drinking. I will probably end up losing these friendships as soon as I graduate since we don't really have a lot in common.

In a lot of ways I feel like I am at a disadvantage because of my social issues, lack of experience and uncommon interests. I feel like chances are anyone I would meet would take advantage of this and use me for the good things I have in my life. If I let someone get that close I feel like I might expose myself to a whole new world of emotional pain and that scares me. Sometimes the fact that I have always been alone and the fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life starts to really bother me and i get very depressed (which is how I found this site a few months back). When this happens I can usually pull myself out of it in a few days by finding something to keep me busy but whenever I let myself have some time to think, these thoughts always come back.
Mereth Mereth
22-25, M
8 Responses Nov 28, 2012

Apart from the fact that I don't feel awkward during social situations, you have literally written this for me too!

also ive meet a quiet alot of people that like all them things you will find her:)

omg that is so weird i had the exact child hood and i swear i wrote this my self i haven't had a gf either ive had bfs out of confussion but only to i was bullied at school and i am always alone and dont have any friends anymore:)

Dude your going to be successful in life THE GIRLS WILL COME. And as they say around my town "if you got the doe, youll get the hoe". Your girl will come my friend. They always do just have to be patient.

Your time will come ;)

Hello Mereth,

I can definitely sympathize and identify with most of what you are stating in your story. I know what it is like to date someone, but not seriously. Last year, for the first time in my life, I dated a woman for about 3 months. We basically saw each other every week, and talked on the phone almost every night. It wasn't a serious relationship, but it was heading in that direction. We actually had "the talk" one night over the phone about where the relationship was going to go. Initially, I wanted to move forward, but I realized later that she wasn't the right woman for me. So, we stopped seeing each other, and decided to go our separate ways. It wasn't exactly a serious relationship, but it was the closest thing to one that I have ever had. So in the sense that I have never had a serious relationship, I can agree with you on that one.

The only thing I can say is, I understand where you are. I noted that you said in your comment or story that you haven't had a real conversation with a woman about anything other than school or work. I definitely know what that feels like right now. It has been a while since I talked to a woman of interest about anything. In fact, there isn't a woman of interest in my view at this time. It does get to me, and I understand where you are.

However, I don't want to depress you further by staying on that feeling. The best way to look at it is, to see opportunity in any place. Even though I don't see anyone that interests me, I am learning that you can meet someone, at any given place or time. It can happen at the grocery store, on the job, at your school, or any place where there are people around you. It just takes time, and it takes gumption to actually go forward. I would love to date someone again, and this time move forward into a serious relationship. However, it appears that it isn't happening right now. It doesn't mean that it won't, but I just have to keep my eyes open. The same goes for you. I understand where you are, and I wish you the best. You are not alone, as I have waited my entire life to mee the woman that I am going to marry. I am 25, and I have yet to fall in love with someone, but I know what it is like for someone to fall in love with you. It would be nice for the tides to turn.

After reading your story I can say without a doubt I feel you.

I have graduated school and am now working at a local resturaunt saving my money to pay for college, and upgrading my English. I wish I could say that I put more effort into my studies and grades like you. I know I could have done great. But I just did not care.

Growing up I was bullied, not physically I am built like a quarterback. So the others resorted to insults, Luckily I was smart and witty enough to bat the insults off my shoulders like they were nothing. Having almost no friends; the one friend I had hung out with was almost only during school hours and I had nothing in common with him, and being bullied did affect me though. I am socially awkward, always by my self, a loner. But do not feel bad I had no one I was still happy.

Finding someone who I can fall in love with is another story. The girls I knew from bad in school I had nothing in common with and never did try to ask one out. They were not for me. Now with working as a cook, with enough money to never have a student loan, I am still happy. Every once in a while, including now as I write this, I have depression. I feel sorry for myself wishing I had tried to ask someone out. But I am afraid, afraid of being rejected. I know logically being rejected is no big deal, but I cannot stop imaging the worst. And right now this is killing me, we got a new cook in the kitchen. I will call her C here.

She started working about four months ago. She is beautiful, and a *****. Do not take the ***** comment the wrong way, it is who she is, and I would never want to change that. She understands my sense of humor. It is her sense of humor too. As my other co-worker stated before, he thought we hated each other, the way we insulted and made fun of each other, we both said we were not making fun of each other were just joking. She has become my best friend, and perhaps my only friend. She and I have a lot in common, she plays video games, though not as much as me, but sill awesome. She knows more than me about comics, Marvel and DC, we both love. I was surprised to find out she has the same zombie plan as me; we joked around about having to kill one another when the apocalypse happens, now our plans involve us working together. And yes were both nuts, we have it written out and everything planned step-by-step. Movies, music. The one person I have a real connection with. but I am still afraid. I am not sure I can ask.

Some part of me wishes that by some miracle she reads this and knows its me, and the other never wants her to find out. This fear, sadness, and happiness is stopping me, and I do not know if I can overcome it.

I do hope hope that you find someone Mereth. Just remember you will always have friends here.

Thanks. I hope so too. It's just getting to that point where I feel that there isn't really anyone left. I actually can't remember the last time I talked to a woman about anything other than school or work.

Regarding your friend, if you really like her then I really think you should tell her you are interested in her. As long as you do it casually enough, if she says no then you can just brush it aside and act like nothing happened. The way I see it is that you have a rare opportunity to be with someone you really connect with. If it doesn't work out then you haven't really lost anything since you should still be able to maintain your friendship. It's your choice, of course, but that opportunity won't last forever. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

just wanted to say, welcome to EP! and you do sound like a great honest person. so im sure you would find that special someone. (:

Thanks and it's nice to be here.