Total Apathy

I am a 23 year old male and I have never had a girlfriend. In fact, I often ask myself if a girlfriend is truly what I want in life. It is not because I am some hideous freak that cannot show his face in daylight (my picture had an overall rating of 9/10 on, for what it's worth). It is not (I hope) because I have an incredibly abrasive personality that sends women fleeing. I make no secret of the fact that I am a man who needs to be the one in charge at all times and who doesn't take well to compromise. I also cannot stand a lack of forthrightness in others and have no tolerance for people who cannot say things to my face, and thus so many of the vagaries of dating and relationships disgust me. For instance, the idea that if my ladyfriend says "I don't want anything for my birthday" but secretly expects me to get her something would absolutely drive me up the wall. But I digress.

I suppose it all started when I was a young boy. Amongst my peers I was, as they might say in England, "sent to Coventry." I wasn't bullied much, but I was mostly ignored and had few friends, and the few friends I did have were the sort of people who would mock me behind my back. One of the worst memories I have of grade school was when our class went on a camping trip, and two of my supposed "best" friends were in the tent next to mine,. One night they talked for nearly a half hour straight openly mocking and making fun of me, laughing at all the stupid things I had done over the years, not knowing I was in the tent nearby and could hear every word. Naturally growing up with these kinds of "friends" I soon became convinced that having friends and being popular was "something for other people" and that attitude was even more pronounced with dating and relationships. If having friends was beyond me, then having a girlfriend was further away than the ******* Andromeda Galaxy.

I made some genuine friends in high school, but my self-esteem remained in the gutter for the most part and I was convinced that no girl would ever desire me. I knew I wasn't asexual or gay because I felt an attraction to the opposite sex, but I was totally unwilling to do anything with it. I never dated, never talked to girls, never made one iota of effort to find a girlfriend. It all seemed so pointless to me. None of the relationships I witnessed in high school lasted more than year, so why the hell should I bother?

This attitude prevailed into university. There too, I never dated, and my only experience with a woman was a painfully humiliating episode of unrequited love that probably killed off my last vestiges of romantic desire. By now I had been outside the "dating" mindset that I looked upon it like something that was unnatural and artificial. I'd hear ads for college speed-dating services and online dating services and I didn't "get it." I'd hear love songs and see romantic movies and I still wouldn't "get it." I couldn't imagine why someone would write a song or make a movie about something so utterly trivial in grand scheme of things. Talking about love and romance to me was like an English speaker listening to someone speaking German: there's enough similarity between the two languages that the English speaker might pick out a few words or phrases but not enough to understand what the German speaker is saying. I can't understand the need to be in a relationship and cannot imagine myself being in one. To this day I have never had sex, never kissed, never hugged, never even HELD HANDS.

But I still feel the occasional pangs of desires, but it's more some atavistic remnant; an evolutionary throw back that's so atrophied it no longer serves any purpose. The gap between my desire and the will to act on it is greater than the distance between Earth and Pluto. I do have fantasies, though, where I imagine my "perfect woman." But the more women I meet the more I realize that none of them will ever live up to my "perfect woman" ideal and that I just wouldn't be happy with them if they didn't. They say "beggars can't be choosers" and here I am, the exact opposite of a beggar, so I damn well am a "chooser." I don't need a girlfriend, so I'd only settle for perfection. But I know that no one is ever going to be "perfection" so I make no effort. And before you think that this state of affairs makes me unhappy, it doesn't. Not having a girlfriend seems to make so many other people unhappy, but not me. I've come to despise the notion of being in a relationship. I despise the idea of marriage even more. I hate children and never want some of my own. I read the stories on this site about "I Hate My Wife" or "I am in a bad marriage" with a smile, knowing I'll never have to put up with that.

And that is why I've never had a girlfriend.

Love is overrated.

BlackClad BlackClad
18-21, M
16 Responses Oct 19, 2008

Blackclad, you express yourself very well, I get what your saying. I think you basically need to stop being afraid of injuring your pride dude, I mean no one can tell you that having 'love' is what you need or necessary, but that in life in general you shouldnt be so protective of your sense of taking yourself seriously. You had some as-hole friends in school, that happens to a lot of us out there, to me too, maybe not everybody but a lot, and you need to realize that your perspective and character are not under threat, its only how much you let yourself believe this that it becomes true. Some people are vastly more arrogant than they are smart, and some people are vastly smarter than confident, you just got to realize you can enact your own principles and beliefs confidently, but also be reasonable and talk with people. Dont jump the gun, take it easy, its not all or nothing, unless you let it be.

My homeboy is the same as except for the fact that you not bitching about it. He wines and ******* that he's taking hits by females not subjugating themselves to him.

With due respect, if you always have to be in control and are not willing to compromise, you won't have many friends, let alone girlfriends. Nobody wants to be around a person who can't meet them halfway, or can't admit to being wrong sometimes. I'm a stubborn a-hole myself sometimes, but you have to know when to give in. Just some helpful advice. Nobody is owed a romantic partner: at some point you have to look in the mirror and determine if you are the kind of person that someone else would like to be with.

I'm 33 and I've never had a boyfriend, never been on a date,but I on the other hand want a boyfriend, I want someone who has that "take charge" attitude, I want a man who I feel protected with and who wants to be and who can be the man in the relationship, but it's hard to find someone out there these days. i agree with the person who said how men can go from one to the other like there is no tomorrow while there are those of us who can't get just one person. I agree to that the women love the heck out of the men who treat them bad and mis use them, that's who they seem to o to but I just want a man who wants me, who can accept me and who will treat me right. good luck to those who are searching out there.

I think its rare to find someone who hasnt have any gf before. Especially those who are serious and loyal.

That's an interesting story, one of the first I found that makes me thing this site is worth visiting.<br />
These are the kind of "I have never head a girlfriend" articles I am trying to find. Those where it's acknowledge that one doesn't necessary need to fullfill this dream but there is an alternative concept, that one could simply never have a girlfriend and that would be ok.<br />
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I say this because this idea would be a taboo. Never having a girlfriend especially in a later age is considered so bad that there is fear that people would know and a social oppresion to get one just to show that you are not a single guy. I am 30 and still not have one, well some of the reasons might be oversensitivity, shyness, fear, avoidness. But other reasons were simply that I wasn't interested enough. I was occupied by other interests more.<br />
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And then I realized that I can't find any good reasons to be in a relationship, except from not having to do with the social taboo or seeking the thing that is called love which is an idea we constructed. Yes, there is a need for emotional support, the feeling that one person in the world loves you more than the rest, that you are not alone, you are not insignificant. But if you can be confident enough with yourself then you don't need a girlfriend for this too.

I find some similarities between what you described and myself. I wish I could say I found the cure for ails, but I really am not sure what to do myself. I have read countless articles on how to make friends (I did this after reading countless articles on how to meet women and deciding the best way is to have a large circle of friends) and really have gotten no where. I would recommend, if you have not already, getting checked for depression. I am currently on my second week of treatment and feel a lot better, but still having some issues getting over the anxiety of meeting new people. I have rambled enough good luck to you.

I need to the one in charge at all times too. :)

Oh my god, I read this and it's like you read my mind. I think love is overrated when I see all the failure in relationships around me: unwanted pregnancies, cheating, and all that. Marriage? no please! it's been proved for years it id mostly unhealthy I think we all saw every trouble there is in marriage with our own parents. Children? I am a woman, do you think I'm the one that says " I was born to be a mother" ? Hell no. I find it extremely hard and just don't want to live that. Can I tell you something? I think you can try sometime ( considering you say you don't care much about relationships) to say this exact words to a woman, it is kind of attractive. At least for women like me who somehow lost hope in that department. Anyway I think you'll be surprised and will eventually find someone because if it were me at least I would like to be friends with you because literally I feel just as how you feel. Sorry for my confusing English. You should sell like T-Shirts that go " Love is overrated" :) I'd buy one. Ok, bye.

This is a equivalent to reading about a reflection of myself!

I'm also 23 and I was in a relationship for 2 years until things started to go downhill I tried my best to keep things together but the damage was done. To this day I still think about her it's complex, sometimes I feel love but mostly hatred for her. Love for what we had in the past and all the good times we shared and Hatred for how she left me for dead. For a while I was not interested in any other girl but her, I waited a year for her to come back but she never did after that some say it changed me into a bitter person but I do not care. Love is just an insipid illusion it's no fairytale happiness it makes me laugh thinking about it now.<br />
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My only interest in a woman now is sex(one night stand) other than that I wouldn't waste my time it seems pointless to get sucked into the loophole of a relationship. Although originally I wished it wouldn't be like this but it is what it is and so be it. I still have the desire to occasionally glance at girls that I'm attracted to that I see around in public places, you can't help it but I know deep inside it would just be like a sequel of my previous relationship so I've lost interest.<br />
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To be honest I can't be worried about love there are far greater things out there for example getting the career of your dreams, being successful, making money, getting the items you desire might be a house, new car, plasma screen, entertainment system or whatever it doesn't necessarily have to be about a girl. I think your life should be focused on you and your happiness, do what you want live how you want to live life is what you make of it, there's no point of thinking about "why don't I have a gf?" or "when will I meet my potential gf?", personally I'm over it but it could happen you meet that spectacular girl who you get along with well and things click and there's your questions answered. <br />
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Basically to sum it up all I think of Love as chewing gum, at first it's sweet but after a while as time goes on it goes sour and in my opinion it's a waste of time.

If it makes you happy and you feel your life is fullfilled without a GF then you are a lucky guy.I can see where you are coming from, I have never understood the need for people to leap into a relationship just because they are single...these are the ones that 12 months down the line find themselves married with a baby onthe way and wondering how the hell that happend.You say you will never find your perfect woman but maybe you are looking in the wrong places ..most people find their partner through work or out at a club but these are TERRIBLE places to meet a potential life mate.I think you need to think about what is really important in your life. You say you have an idea of the "perfect woman" so think about that and then look in those places.The thing is the perfect woman for you may be the shy one who never speaks, but she could really be intelligent, funny and straight forwards (so no mind reading involved).I think if you find someone you have to be honest from the get go. Explain how you cannot stand the power games and mind reading that errodes a relationship. I'm sure you will find there are heaps of women who feel the same.If you are happy great, but..if you still imagine, with pangs of desire, your dream woman, maybe you are not so content.Good luck..she is waiting for you.Peace x

hi,<br />
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I understand, I am in the same situation but i am older, almost 29. And its frustrating. Try getting some help on the subject if you can afford it, I know i really would if i could afford it. <br />
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It just sickens me how some guys can go from one girl to the next like there is no tomorrow. And the girls love them even though they treat them like crap. <br />
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I don't want to say life is unfair but at least it should come with an instruction manual... and so should women.

I'm in a similar situation. I'm also 23, and have had one girlfriend.<br><br><br />
That was about 6 years ago. Since then I still haven't made any friends, and haven't felt like getting a girlfriend. Most girls my age are either dating, or married. If they're pretty and they're single, then they're probably not going to be interested in me because they've already got hundreds of friends closer to her than I would be. <br><br><br />
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Sometimes at night I feel like I'm dieng. It's a scary feeling. Because I think, that I haven't had any friends, and I feel like people don't like me or want to be around me. I don't have a bad personality, and I am actually pretty good looking and have a great body, but I am not arrogant about it, it's just something that I don't even consider an issue. I wonder if I'll still have no friends or any one to date in 5 years, 10 years, or 15 years from now. I wonder if my grandparents will die, my parents will grow old, and I will still be single and depressed and if that will affect them since it's negatively affecting me.<br><br />
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I've been going to a massage parlor to be touched by a Woman, but I don't know how long it's going to keep be positive enough to want to stay alive.<br><br />
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I'm probably going to see a psychiatrist about my situation.

I have gone years without a girlfriend, but for reason I can not explain I end up with one. I was also married for eight years when my ex cheated on me. Even this did not jade me from not wanting a girlfriend. I have had periods of not wanting a girlfriend because I felt it was not worth it. I agree with you on some points that love is not for everyone. Some people simply can not deal with the emotional roller coaster love is. Your are right that there is no perfect woman and to hope for one is foolish. <br />
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My current girlfriend is older than me and is a lot like me.. This creates challenges of it own because you are dealing with yourself almost. The thing I can say about this relationship is she is my perfect counter part. We both love our own space and we never intrude on each others life without cause. The main thing I think applies here is she sought me out, I did not try to date her. I feel there is a woman out there that matches you and she will seek you out. <br />
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Not having a girlfriend is cheaper and less stressful and there are times I would like to be in that position again. I am a very private person, but I would not think of life without her. If it does not last I will go on. I guess it all comes down to what type of person you are. <br />
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Anyways I applaud you for sticking to your guns and if your life is complete without a woman then that is how you should live.

It's stories like these that make me glad I found this site. I love how two people can both say "I have never had a girlfriend", yet their stories are like night and day. And it just goes to show you how different people react to different experiences. Much like you, I was not popular and had few true friends. But unlike you, I still want friends. You seem to have the attitude that friends aren't worth it and probably feel like they would sooner or later show their true colors and turn out to not have been real friends after all. And I can certainly understand that feeling. Some people just need the attention and human contact, and I'm starved for it, even if it means opening yourself up to potentially being stabbed in the back.<br />
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The same thing goes for romantic relationships. The way the world is today, it's hard to believe in love, especially if you've never felt it. So, for you, it's a waste of time to go after something that doesn't look that great to begin with. We've all met someone that gives us that funny feeling in our gut, some of us just like it more than others. I love it, and to me, even though love seems hard to come by these days, love is that feeling multiplied by 1,000. Not only meeting that person, but being in a relationship with them, having that feeling build up with every passing day as you go through the motions of dating, living together, getting married, having a family, and growing old. That small feeling of just meeting someone you really like (a crush, if you will) is one of the best feelings I've experienced, and I can't imagine how much better it must get as you spend more and more time with the right person.<br />
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If you're happy without a girlfriend, more power to you. Nowhere is it written that you must have one. Live your life, be happy, and don't let any tell you that being in a relationship is a requirement. Some people like all those pesky little annoyances that come with relationships. They like "playing the game". But I can certainly see how others would find that mundane and irritating.<br />
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Love isn't overrated, it's just not for everyone.