An Uninterest?

 I am 18 years old and have yet to find that one special girl.  Do I feel any self pity? I don't. I have never felt any desperation in not having a girlfriend. Interest? Of course. But never a burning desire within to have someone to hold and cuddle with. I do find girls attractive, of course, but it's usually more as an appreciation for their facial features and clothing style. I look at girls and say "she's pretty", but I can honestly say that I don't look at someone and wish to have "relations" with them. Of any kind. But I also don't think all girls are some sort of "gift from god". Boys and girls aren't so different. We're all horny for sex. This doesn't mean I believe having a partner is for sex. That may come with it, but I don't feel like they should ever be for that sole purpose.  When I think of a perfect relationship, I think of having a true friend who cares about me the same way I do about them. Someone with who I can have a deep, interesting conversation with. We wouldn't say we love each other. We wouldn't have to utter that over-used word. We would discuss what we think it means, but in the end, it's our desire to be with each other and to share with each other a relationship we don't share with anyone else that keeps us together.

But therein may lie my problem. I think too much of the perfect girlfriend, of their requirements. This is when I start thinking if I even deserve a girlfriend. If maybe I'm asking for too much. This is but one of the problems I come across when thinking of finding that special someone. I'm not a great-looking guy. I won't turn heads. But I'm not looking for pity. I know what I am and what I'm not. And I'm not one of those guys that girls want to walk up to and get to know at a party (I don't care for parties either, I just use it as an example.) And it's for this reason that I would feel guilty in having a pretty, interesting girl all to myself. I won't be able to stop thinking of the other guys that may like her. Guys better looking and more interesting than me. If I ever found out that the girl I like and who liked me back was loved by another man, I could never get myself to become close to her. So as not to make this look as some sort of application, I'll limit myself to one thing I don't like in girls: I don't like girls that flirt. I would want for her to be straightforward, honest, and mature. The girl I'd eventually want to have as a girlfriend would be the girl who first wants to be friends with me.

I have had the idea of moving far away from my friends and family. Of perhaps living in the woods in solitude, away from humanity. Humans in general do not interest me, neither do emotions. I may write my thoughts on humanity in another entry but I will end this one by saying that human interaction is something I can live without. I would be happy living alone for the rest of my life, perfecting every possible area of myself. Because I don't think I can do it with all these people around me.

Cajaro Cajaro
18-21, M
2 Responses Nov 7, 2008

I think you are just my mirror-image. I read your second post and now this one....<br />
Are you still in existence by any chance or have you chosen not to live ?

Oh gosh, I can not even begin to tell you how I relate to this. I always thought that maybe something was wrong with me because I don't necessarily need to be around people the way it seems others do. I don't have much interest in dating and relationships either. Whenever I do, instead of being happy or thinking I had a good time, I just leave feeling exhausted. I just think it would be great to find another hermit to go run away with hehe, Just us, no outside complications.