30 and No Luck

I enjoy returning to this comment because it proves to me that ineptitude with women is a psychological issue that can be overcome.

Thanks, clueless poster.

I feel your pain buddy I'm also 30 and have never had a Girlfriend. I feel like I am destined to be alone forever, but I am trying to focus now on things that I am in control of like losing weight and getting fitter and healthier for me no one else.

I have never had a problem talking to Women whether they are really pretty or just average looking, the problem I have is not shyness around Women it's the fact that no matter what I do I always end up in the dreaded friendzone. I have always been myself with them and I've lost count of the amount of times Girls have said I'm cute so there can't be anything wrong with my looks but yet nothing ever develops apart from friendship. I have started to think now that nothing will ever happen with a Girl I'm just one of those guys they only see as a friend which does kind of suck in one way but is good in another.

There was a couple of occasions once in School and once in College where a Girl asked me out, the first one was a friend called Gemma when I was 15 I used to hang out with her most of the time, unfortunately I did'nt feel that way about her. The second one was a Girl called Louise when I was 20 she had a Boyfriend at the time we met but he was horrible to her and treated her like **** so she finished with him. A month later me and her were getting close and there was a real spark between us but her ex made it impossible for us to get together because he decided that if he could'nt have her then nobody could. He threatened me to stay away from her or else so I did as he said out of fear of what he would do if I did'nt. So it's not like I have'nt had the opportunities to have a Woman in my life.

All I can say is don't give up hope and just focus on the things you can do something about and don't wallow life's too short to spend it in isolation being upset about your lack of success with the opposite sex. Learn to love yourself and try making friends with more people and then you never know you may find that love will find you.

I honestly just got a Brain fart on the topic, just from reading all these post!! grrrrrr

"@ rexus



I don't think it will happen.

Once you are categorized as a friend, there is virtually no way of getting to boyfriends list. EVER"



This is so wrong. So unbelievably wrong.



There is a difference between being "friendzoned" and being "friends." Friendzoning is what happens when a girl decides in her mind that she is not attracted to you as a mate, and she slots you into the friend category and has NO interest in you sexually. The best thing to do with women like this is to walk away from them and don't waste your time on them.



Being friends with a woman is a little different, if you haven't admitted your feelings. As long as you keep yourself in check, you can be friends and not let your emotions get the best of you, and build a connection with her on a deep level that she might not even be aware is happening per se. The catch is that you can't really have feelings for her - or at least not express them openly.



Men fail when they start to invest emotions and let go of their power by acting all wussy and smitten, much like rexus has acted. You can't act like this around women ever, even when they act like it around you - it's ok to act affectionate, but you have to take it with a grain of salt and know when to turn it off. It's all about self-control.



For rexus's case....there honestly is not much he can do now unless one of them leaves the current job, because it is true that the workplace is not a good place for romance. The best strategy he has ultimately is to suck it up, get over his feelings for this girl and go out and find another girl, all while being a friendly to this female coworker and continuing to build a completely innocent work-related connection with her, possibly even beyond work. However the goal should not be to get in her pants or woo her...it should simply be to get to know her, with NO gooey feelings from rexus PERIOD.



Once she sees what a great guy he is, she'll open up more and...that is the road to victory: letting the girl show she is ready for the next move. (Unfortunately that's the only way for LEGAL victory in our modern society!)



Of course the reality is that this can only be a loose gameplan that is flexible and not rexus's main concern in his life. It's true that the only way this plan could work would be if he was content with himself and his life - or at least was good at faking it and spent time working on improving himself - and the female coworker was only a side thing.

I have issues with women too but there are so many logical flaws in the text above it totally undermines any point the author might have, to the point that it works against him and he just appears to be a stupid misogynist.

I feel your pain man. Well, I'm a 33 year-old man and I've never had a girlfriend. Thing is, I'm reasonably sociable in groups, can make my friends laugh, and I'm not ugly. So why have I never sealed the deal? No idea. If I was to guess I'd say my situation results from a combination of:



1) Being pretty much institutionalised in nerdy all-male environments for my entire life has never really given me many opportunities to meet or be comfortable around women. I'm not very good at talking to random women I see in a bar.



2) On the few (and I mean count them on one hand few) occasions I've been in bed with a women, I was never able to get an erection and I found the whole experience pretty unpleasant. This has given me a bit of a phobia of sex and physical intimacy in general.



3) A lifetime of being single has made me very emotionally numb and I don't seem to have any desire to find love (I don't even know what love feels like either, which probably doesn't help). I just don't seem to have the urge to go out there and make the effort anymore. I feel like it's probably too late for me anyway now.



But yeah, I haven't entirely given up. I'm currently getting in shape by jogging and going to the gym, and I'm trying to polish my social skills (my ability to hold a conversation with strangers basically) via self-help books and practising with people at work. Who knows, maybe one day I'll meet a girl who won't immediately dismiss me for being an over-the-hill virginal sadcase.

@ rexus



I don't think it will happen.

Once you are categorized as a friend, there is virtually no way of getting to boyfriends list. EVER

I'm 29 and a half, and never had a girlfriend. Never kissed, made love, held hands, etc. with a woman. I only really started to think about it recently. A few years ago, I thought it would happen when I'm older, well now I'm older and nothing's happening.



Although I can't complain because I have passed up opportunities when I was in my late teens and early twenties because I didn't think I could handle a relationship or be a good boyfriend. The few other times, I only saw the person as a friend because I didn't find them attractive.



It must be karma, because I'm head over heels for a co-worker. I eat lunch with her almost everyday and bring her food sometimes. We've hung out and done stuff together, even though she had a boyfriend at the time (which she just got dumped by two days ago). So maybe in time she'll see me as something more. I'd love to just tell her how I feel, but being co-workers makes things complicated cause if she says no, I'd still have to see her. Also, I'd run the risk of ruining a great friendship.

I've never had a girlfriend either. First thing to do is get rid of the notion that this makes you anything but someone who has never had a girlfriend before. Like someone who has never tried fish and chips, big deal. Second thing to do is get rid of the notion that having a girlfriend will some how make you a happier person. Third thing to do is dig deep inside, ask the questions why you have never had a girlfriend and answer the questions. Fourth thing to do is forget about having a girlfriend and concentrate things that you can improve in your own life, whatever that may be. Fifth thing to do is go out, be yourself (whatever you want you to be), have fun, do what you want to do, and if you see a girl you like, ask her out, again and again and again and again and again (not the same same girl of course if the first one says no). One day, you will then wake up with your girlfriend next to you and you'll say to yourself. Geez, I miss being single!

if people had to be exceptional and interesting, we would have become extinct long ago. I question the wisdom of abc's first point, though travel may be good for your soul.

I can understand your pain. I am on the exact flip side of you. I know there has been a few guys along the way that has been attracted by me, but they never ever walked up to me to ask for a date. I would really love to have a diagnosis done on me to find out what exactly is wrong..



this whole love and romance, dating thing is really a tricky issue in my opinion, and if it were a course offered in school, I would definitely get an F.



Take heart that you are not alone cos there are people like you having the same situation as well. and really not knowing why.

i'm working on trying to get past my past experiences with men, but i have to agree with thirty30 on this on. sounds like we've had very similiar experiences with guys unfortunately. why don't the right people ever meet?

thirty30, Sometimes life can give us a lot of 'truly' bad things. But those bad events are enough to color our perceptions for the long term. Our radar becomes tuned to seek out the bad everywhere and ignore the good. Its a good thing because that radar is tuned to help us protect ourselves but it ends up hurting us in the long term.



Everyman you meet will not be bad, actually there is no one good. Just people that don't have a very constructive (win/lose)way of achieving their goals and people who do have a constructive(win/win) way of getting to their goals.



Maybe taking a good look at your radar and retuning it to seek out 'good' as well as 'bad' will be a good idea. That way you can recognize and say yes to good (win/win) and say no to (win/loose).



Smile :) :)

Cowboy,



I second abc106's advice. Get out of your current situation and travel. I think by helping people who need help you will definitely feel a lot better about yourself. You will know that you matter and that your actions are valued by others. It will also help you with abc106's point 1.



Just one thing. I am not too upbeat about feeling good because someone else is not doing good and I am doing better than them. Just seems wrong. Helping people in need is one of the best things you can do but gaining your self-esteem because someone else is suffering seems wrong to me. But thats just me.

thats funny, i have never actually met a man who was truly decent. every guy i've ever known, starting with my father, has lied to me, used me, taken advantage of me. i would love to meet someone. but i just don't think its going to happen.

I suggest the following steps that I am confident will work:



1) Try to write down 5 things about yourself that are unique to you and you only -- things that make you an interesting person. If you cant fill up that list, it means you're not ready for a girlfriend yet. In fact, you'd be doing a huge disservice to the girl you're potentially trying to date. So now what?



2) I suggest drastic action: leave the country. Go somewhere else. Go volunteer for a year or more somewhere where you are needed. There are kids out there with no parents. There are people who are blind, or amputees, or terminally ill. Imagine how much they suffer. Imagine how much they cry each night at the fact that no significant other will EVER love them. How does this compare to your situation, hm?



I am 100% sure that the simple exposure to these new surroundings and new conditions will solve your problem.



If you don't trust me and get out of your element, instead opting for a comfortable position at home, then you can continue to stagnate as is. My advice is to leave the country, explore the world, and maybe do some good. Then, and only then, will you be ready for a romantic partner. And you won't even have to search for one. She'll find you.

www.kwml.com Try it...it might lead you to a few doors. Opening them is upto you.

hmmm...We are in the same age range and I am not giving up on myself and I don't see a reason why you should either!



Soldier! you need to get to work! one of the first tasks might be to figure out how and why you end up meeting the kind of women you described.



As for time...hmm yea we all have that 'perfect life' , 'perfect romance' etc stuff in our heads. But in reality (just from my experience) it does not happen that way. Don't watch too many American romantic comedy movies for some time. At least till you have figured out some stuff.



You are angry i see...until very recently i too was a very very pissed off guy. I used to wake up pissed off. Looking at whats inside myself helped me understand my anger. I have not had a woman so yea i am pissy, but not as much as before.



Cheers.

Hi Cowboy, Yea sometimes life can feel like a dead end. If you can identify with some of what I wrote there then I can probably give you a piece of my mind.

http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e... />


If we cannot relate then whatever I say will not make sense to you. I have realized that attracting woman is a learned behavior to a large extent. If no one taught you properly then you have learned things from the media. That is not the ideal place to learn something so important. This has to be learned from older guys around us. I mean, the older men do not teach us to attract women but they teach us how to be mature and be masculine. And women are attracted to that 'mature and masculine' 'vibe' that we put out when we feel secure and are in touch with our masculinity.



I hope I am making sense cowboy, if what i say makes sense to you then let me know I can probably share more of whats in my head. BTW the 'frus' in my name is for frustrated.



Cheers,

Frushax

hi Cowboy, Yea, i understand. I am almost 29 and no luck, never been in a relationship and never been in bed with a woman. What I recommend would be to get some help with this things. Its mostly related to how you see yourself. I would get some one to help me with it if I could afford it.