Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Same Here, 29 and Never Had a Real Girlfriend

Depending on how you define real. I personally don't count internet relationships, but that is just me. Its cool if other people do, but you don't get the chance to socialize and touch in an online relationship so to me its more like a partial relationship since you don't get the full experience. But there you go.

Anyway I've reached a point where it really doesn't bother me the way it once did. I don't like bringing it up for fear people will freak out and act like 'Jesus, we have to change this' and I really don't like that attitude. Everyone is going to do and say things that make them deviant or subpar based on the standards we set for ourselves and society sets for us. I'd rather be a person who can make peace with his failings and deviances than someone who has to run out and fix every one of them. I've been through that, and I find my current way a lot more emotionally centered. I'm not saying that defensively, I've really just come to the conclusion that its better to make peace with the fact that all of us have and will sometimes fail to live up to societies expectations of us in something or another. And really, why am I a deviant while someone who has only had one relationship (ie someone who gets married to a high school sweetheart) is somehow normal? Who made that rule up? 

I've never had trouble finding women who liked me, just never been able to get it beyond that stage of attraction. Self esteem is fairly good. I'm by no means perfect, but I'm tall, muscular, fairly intelligent, good with money and kids, etc. I've got confidence, I used to approach women all the time in college. But even if women were giving signals of being highly interested in me, it'd never go beyond that point. No idea why. 

I have had a serious mental illness in the past that I"m recovered from now, but I don't think that alone is it. Before that I wouldn't date women who liked me either. I think back then it was lack of confidence, but now I have confidence and I still don't date. Its complex I guess, too many variables and when one is working out for you, another goes kaput. Besides, people shouldn't be kicked out of the human race and all it entails (friends, relationships, jobs) for life because they get sick with a neurological illness. I have an easy time forming friends and have a decent job, so I don't think this is all due to that. Besides I didn't date before that event either.

I don't know. I've reached the point where I don't know what I feel or if I even want to change it anymore. I mean I look at all the miserable people in relationships, and it reminds me of a Robert Wright quote on the nature of evolution and illusions of happiness and how maybe thinking the next great goal will bring happiness is an illusion.

Yeah I'm babbling. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am 29 and have never had a girlfriend or kissed a woman, but it isn't due to the idea that no woman has ever liked me (I had dozens of attractive women respond positively to me, and had a married woman who was a classmate who I wasn't attracted to offer to sleep with me in college and turned it down), which is an assumption that virtually everyone makes when they find that fact out. I guess I'm just saying that because hopefully here in this group people have better thought out ideas on why a person can never have a girlfriend, but for most people they seem to just respond with a knee jerk 'you must be repulsive' response, which isn't true. I don't know what it is, or if I even want to change it anymore since I've gotten used to it.

 

EDIT: Well its the next day and I'm glad I wrote this because writing and expressing yourself helps you understand what goes on inside of you. Now that I think about it more, I'm thinking that maybe I've got problems with intimacy because of all the abuse and abandonment I experienced when I was younger. I have what is known as a highly sensitive personality, and when you combine that with the abuse and abandonment its no wonder I have trouble with intimacy because people with that kind of personality need trust and protection the most. But as I was saying earlier, I don't know if I even want to fix it. I am someone who is highly sensitive and who has been abused and abandoned to the point where he cannot form safe, trustworthy relationships with the opposite sex. But I don't want to fix/purge everything about myself that makes me different from others at the same time. Maybe intimacy with women isn't safe enough for me to feel comfortable with it, maybe I feel like I'd be letting my guard too low with people who I can't trust.

I've dealt with all this by becoming as self reliant as possible. Normally my handle on message boards is "Juche", which is a North Korean philosophy of self reliance. The meaning of why I keep picking that handle never really struck me, but perhaps it is just an expression of that inner desire to take care of myself because I fear nobody else will. But really, at the same time I don't want to live life thinking that other people aren't competent or compassionate enough to help me or protect me when I need it. So I really don't know. I want to be self reliant, but I don't want to do it because I fear other people aren't going to help me when I need it.

I really think I just want to accept myself for what I am, accept that I have trouble with intimacy unless it occurs in a very, very safe environment (like a close friendship with someone I know or with a therapist, those are the only situations I've felt comfortable with intimacy. I can't even stand making eye contact with some people if I don't want to get too close to them) and just make the best of my life with what I have. And if I end up being 40 and never kiss or hug a woman then that is something I can accept and still be compassionate towards myself. I think if I ever do get a girlfriend she is going to have to understand that this is what I'm like and I can't ignore it or change it. I have very deep vulnerabilities that I have worked very hard to protect, and it may take a long time for her to get very close to me.

Darwinsutopia Darwinsutopia 26-30 6 Responses Mar 25, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

I got alot of the same emotions you guys do, I am 27 but I have had many flings in the past especially in Highschool. I dated like 2 girls in Highschool and it never lasted, I was fine with being able to go to parties and hookup with no strings attached. But the years went by and I never could get into that relationship stage. I want to date a girl and do all those fun things that couples do but at the end of the day its just easier to go home and smoke pot n watch tv or play video games. Im missing out on life but I dont want to change it haha. **** is playing games with my head plus like what you guys said everyone needs some lovin in there life physical and mental. <br />
<br />
To Help you guys out though being shy is only part of it, I am generally shy around women but go grab a few drinks or something you will be surprised how your inner self will come out and be aggressive with women and you might even get lucky. Thats usually what women like is aggressive men who know what they want and take it. Im not saying go caveman on a female but let her know you exist and make an effort.<br />
<br />
Maybe Ill go out and tryin this stuff tonight but Ill prob sit home and smoke pot, that is the easier thing to do!!!??

I got alot of the same emotions you guys do, I am 27 but I have had many flings in the past especially in Highschool. I dated like 2 girls in Highschool and it never lasted, I was fine with being able to go to parties and hookup with no strings attached. But the years went by and I never could get into that relationship stage. I want to date a girl and do all those fun things that couples do but at the end of the day its just easier to go home and smoke pot n watch tv or play video games. Im missing out on life but I dont want to change it haha. **** is playing games with my head plus like what you guys said everyone needs some lovin in there life physical and mental. <br />
<br />
To Help you guys out though being shy is only part of it, I am generally shy around women but go grab a few drinks or something you will be surprised how your inner self will come out and be aggressive with women and you might even get lucky. Thats usually what women like is aggressive men who know what they want and take it. Im not saying go caveman on a female but let her know you exist and make an effort.<br />
<br />
Maybe Ill go out and tryin this stuff tonight but Ill prob sit home and smoke pot, that is the easier thing to do!!!??

I stumbled across this message board post and felt compelled to write a comment. <br />
<br />
Just like the original publisher of this post, I am 29 years old, male and have never had a girlfriend. In addition to that, I have never kissed a girl or engaged in any kind of sexual activity. <br />
<br />
Those are the facts and here are my feelings as best as I can describe them.<br />
<br />
I consider myself a relatively attractive male (certainly attractive enough to the point where I would expect someone to be absolutely shocked if they learned I had been single my whole life). I am very successful in my career and prior to that, had a very successful academic life during my traditional-aged college years (18-22). <br />
<br />
Honestly, I am always dumbfounded when I realize the fact that I have never been in a relationship and perhaps even more amazed that I have never been intimate in any way with another person. Perhaps I sound egotistical, but I feel strongly about that. <br />
<br />
So, I obviously ask myself why and how. Why has this been so difficult for me and how did it lead to this? <br />
<br />
Well, the one very obvious thing about me is: I am extremely selective. I personally feel that it is better to be alone than be with someone that you aren't 100 sure you want to be with. I notice a lot of people that settle in relationships because they fear if they don't take what's available to them, they will be lonely. <br />
<br />
My selectivity causes me to develop a lot of jealousy towards other guys who seem to be in relationships with the kind of women I crave in my life. Some of those characteristics including physical beauty, great energy and vibrancy and obvious intelligence. <br />
<br />
Some other key factors about me: I don't drink at all and I refuse to dance. I bring these two factors up because drinking and dancing are obviously very much tied to social integration and development. Clubs and bars are generally classified as meeting zones even though ba<x>sed on many people's beliefs, are not necessarily the best places to try to meet someone.<br />
<br />
Even though I would rather be alone than with someone that wouldn't completely fulfill my desires, I feel depressed a lot and perhaps even more specifically, feel very sexually deprived. <br />
<br />
Hormonally, I don't feel right. I feel sometimes like my needs for sex cause me pain and frustration. <br />
<br />
For the last several years, I have been open to trying to meet women with the idea of having a friend with benefits. But just like my failed attempts to try and meet girls for the purpose of getting into a relationship, I have also failed in my attempts to meet girls for the purpose of trying to develop a FWB. <br />
<br />
I'm very frustrated and confused. It's hard to understand why and how I am 29 and still struggling to scratch the surface in this area of life. While I know I am not the only one, most "normal" people shouldn't be struggling to this level. <br />
<br />
Not sure what kind of advice I can give to those who are dealing with what I am dealing with, but more input and experiences would be helpful.

This is such an interesting story. I like those references to Robert Wright, didn't know his theory but it's interesting and with a scientific basis and somehow makes me more comfortable with not being happy with my life. That's a good cure to numb the pain of feeling unsuccesful in my life.<br />
<br />
I am 30 and still with no girlfriend but my difference is that I am a bit shy to go into relationship, socially ackward, feeling overwhelmed and also avoidant. There were cases where some girls seemed to be attracted to me, I was surprised with that and later overwhelmed and anxious because I didn't know what to do next. Because of the shame of being in such age and never had one, I was fed up of the social pressures and decided I could be well without a girlfriend. But the ackward idea comes back at times.<br />
<br />
I like posts in this site where one says he doesn't have a girlfriend but doesn't necessary need one. Someone doesn't have to necessary be in relationship to be respected as a human being.

Oh my god! When I read this I thought that I had signed up on EP using another nickname and written my experience. Then I thought, this guy does not sound that rageful, i am so it most be someone else. <br />
<br />
I have had the exact experience. Now I understand why it happened but I am angry about it because I feel I missed out on a major part of life in collage and in my twenties. <br />
<br />
Man, really good for you that you are dealing with it much better than I am. It does not help anyone to be angry or rageful. I am still trying to understand myself and trying to make improvements in my life and trying to become true to myself.<br />
<br />
Best wishes.<br />
<br />
P.S. here is my experience : <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e=565621" target="ep_blank">http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e...</a>

An excellent piece! It's good to read that you're comfortable with yourself and who you are! Stay true to yourself! Don't worry about what society thinks!<br />
<br />
A person can be happy without any romantic love in their lives! They don't have to let themselves turn into emotional basket cases!