Thinking Back....

Pretty much never.
I've had people that have came & went, but a true friendship I'm not so sure anymore. I have had friends over the years, but it was never easy for me. It seems as though I always made the wrong choices, or they have moved away on me.

There was the guy who thought that he could stay in the 'friends zone' long enough I would fall for him. But there was absolutely no attraction there from me. I thought he was just a nice guy, a true friend. I made the mistake of becoming roommates. He tried to break me & my boyfriend up. He didnt like that I spent so much time with the boy & not him. He finally hooked up with some girl he just met at school and she couldnt stand the fact that we were roommates & how close we were. She made him pick & then they started with the mind games & manipulation to try to get me to leave my own home. 
 
My last real circle of friends, that I was getting close to and started to feel accepted, ended up being mostly of my ex's friends. We had a bad break up & many of them ditched me right away. One girl was even campaigning against me, saying how 'it would just be too awkward' to continue having a friendship with me. A couple of the other girls I did hear from a few more times, but then we eventually lost touch.

My 2 good girlfriends from University both moved on with their lives. I tried to make plans with them but no matter how many times I asked them to hang out it seems like they're too busy for me. It's come to the point where I don't even try anymore. I don't want to come off desperate for friends & it takes 2 people to have a relationship. If neither of them want to make an effort why should I bother.

I made a really good friend @ my part time job in college, but she ended up moving back home to her family on the other side of the country.

In highschool I spent too much time running away to my boyfriends houses after school & on weekends. Pretty much whenever I wasn't at work. Things were really bad at home & I did everything I could to stay away. Maybe if I had a decent @ home life, then I could have focused more on myself and not been so dependent on a guy to escape to. i could have been more available & had friends in high school. 

For the few girls I did talk to, I ended up trusting the wrong girls to be close friends with in high school. I've been lied to and back-stabbed more than a few times. 

In elementary school I was always teased & picked on & even the friends I had would talk about me behind my back. The one girl who lived down the street from me & went to school with was ashamed to be seen with me around others. By the time we went to highschool she flat out said to me 'don't tell anyone that we're friends, we can still hang out outside of school'. It didn't take long after that for me to get the hint.

My best friend in kindergarten moved away before 1st grade.

My parents had me when they were 19, so none of their friends had kids & none of my aunts or uncles were even close to having kids yet.


So you see, after some deep thought, it's as thought I've always been alone. I was really sad and it was part of what fueled my depression. I have just recently realized, through the wanting and longing for someone to be close with, to share with, to have fun and just be myself & be accepted, that I've never really ever had that before, & anytime I came close to it, it was taken away from me.

As much as I long for my own 'real' family, I had considered my friends my family. But I was way wrong. I trusted the wrong people & the constantly took advantage of me. I cared more about them than they ever did about me. 

sweetsie sweetsie
26-30, F
1 Response Sep 13, 2012

I hear you.

I am a 30 yo guy and I also have had very few friends in my life, and no one I would count as a close friend.

Unlike you though, I have a great deal of trouble just convincing people to be friends with me in the first place, let alone maintaining the friendship.

I think the reason that you feel no one's ever valued you as much as you've valued them is because: you sound like a serious person (like me) who treats friendship seriously and expects that a friendship will be a serious thing - with loyalty and responsibilities. Truth is, most people are much more fluid in their friendships, and will only ever make a handful of these serious friendships in their life, if any at all.

Try not to take it to heart. It's not that you were inadequate, just that they didn't or couldn't accommodate a true friend at that time.

Forget about friendship for a while. Try to live an amazing life. Friendship will either come or it won't. No point beating yourself up about it (easier said than done I know).

Thanks for the insight. That is a great word to describe it, serious. I suppose I am more of a serious person than I had once thought (especially when I was younger).