Sex Without Love

I am a very attractive divorced 47 year old woman w, I ho has never had sex with love.  I was married to an abusive man for 15 plus years who never loved  me.  I didn 't love him, either.  We had two children but probably slept together no more than 20 times during our marriage.
I have  ever experienced a man telling me he loved me.  I am not at a lack for male attention.  Plenty of men have told me I am an amazing, beautiful, fascinating and sexy woman.  I seem to attract unavailable men.  I am not at all desperate.  I have lots of friends.   My kids never end a conversation without telling me they love me.  I am confiident, secure, strong. 

I  have been in  love.  Just never with anyone who loved me back. 

When I was in college, my grandmother told me sex was better if you were in love with the person.  I did 't put faith in that statement.  But, I always thought about our conversation after I had casual sex. 

Now, I know I have spent years trying to fill a void.  I am a compulsive exerciser, shopper, I probably drink too much wine.  I survived an eating disorder.  I have sought attention from men.

I  now suspect my grandmother is right.  I will most likely never know first hand.  I wish I did not care.  But, my heart is shattered in tiny pieces.  I am so sad.
Writergirl27 Writergirl27
Jul 24, 2010