I Think I'M Just Wired This Way.

From an early age I always knew I was gay. I admired women's bodies and figures for as long as I can recall; I always drew naked women in my sketchbooks and my older sister was someone I thought was absolutely stunning (I know it sounds weird, but my family is nuts... and I lived with my father while she lived with my mother most of the time, I rarely saw her or thought of her as a sister, but a beautiful woman to look up to and aspire to be like.)

My sis was beautiful and as messed up as it is now looking back at it; we fooled around a little. I don't mean anything terrible; just looking at eachothers naked bodies and joking about sex a little bit. I was never interested in men... ever. The idea of a penis disgusted me... I found it revolting.

Maybe it was because my dad favored my brother over me; and maybe it was because my dad is a ruthless bastard; but I never liked men, ever... and honestly it has nothing to do with childhood sexual abuse or misconduct.

I remember growing up all the girls would fall all over certain boys @ primary school, and I just didn't get it one bit, Not at all. They'd hit on me and buy me drinks and food, and tell me I was beautiful, but I just never felt the attraction or magnetism that you're supposed to feel when you're attracted to someone... Not like I did when I'd catch glimpses of my friends changing in the locker room or showers.

I felt dirty and perverse; because I'd always picture my attractive female schoolmates naked... and I'd get off over it. I even stuck my hands down my friends trousers when she was drunk at a party and got her off. She screamed at me afterwords and was completely ashamed of herself; but at the time it was happening she never once said no.

After that, rumors settled in... "Stacey's a Lesbo!" "Carpet Muncher!" I didn't quite mind it; because if anything curious girls would always ask me what it was like and want ato experiment with me and the boys would laugh and think it was hot, and sometimes girls and I would put on shows; kissing and touching in front of the boys and it drove them insane...

My family upon finding out about me being gay (a fact I never tried to hide) lost it and took it upon themselves to pull me out of school and take me to a psychiatrist. They hated and loathed me and eventually disowned me upon finding out about me "playing doctor" with my sibling. My father beat me with a microphone stand until my wrists bled and he cut open my lip. My mother threw a plant at me and when the ceramic vase shattered on the ground near my feat tiny shards splintered and cut my face.

Eventually I lost it, kicking and screaming for them to leave me alone; so they called the police and even put me in a straight jacket, and then to jail; where I slept in a cell overnight until my brother came to get me the next day. He was the only one who never judged me and even defended me.....He picked me up and I insisted I had somewhere to go, but I didn't.

My sister turned the other cheek and immediately became the star of the family. We looked nearly identical but my family decided to "invest" in my sister by fixing her up and making sure she became successful, even if it included dropping out of school.

For a while I slept on a bench in a park, for about a week, until my brother let me come stay at his place. Together we survived on rice and broken ramen noodles... uncooked and dry, but it was worth it, and one of the best times in my life.

Later on in my life, I was raped... but that is a whole other tale; one for another time. It had nothing to do with my sexual orientation...because from the start I was always into girls an never men.
deleted deleted
1 Response Feb 16, 2013

No one deserves such intolerance that you were shown as you were growing up. I'm glad that you found the strength to survive and move on. Please know that there are people out there who do not judge you, and want to be of support in pursuing your dreams and desires.

Good luck, inspiring post