My Father Left Before I Was Born

I never met my father, although I know his name and could probably find him if I wanted to. My mother and he were not married when she became pregnant, and he decided to bail. When I was younger, it used to bother me, but now, I find that I just don't really care all that much. At this point he is a complete stranger to me, so I don't really see the point of seeking him out.
On the other hand, I was raised as an only child, but it is pretty likely that I have brothers and/or sisters, which is a weird thing to think about. That kind of bugs me out.
trickyninja trickyninja
26-30, F
42 Responses Jul 17, 2007

My story about this very typical subject is very long, but I will try to sum it up the best I can. My mom was 14 when she got pregnant by my ***** doner and my grandparents forced her to give up her baby it was a baby girl. He was two years older than my mom. Well some how my mom got back with him at age 24 but this time she was his lover. He was engaged with another woman. Well mom got pregnant again by him that baby in her belly was me.. Well at that time when he found out she was pregnant he left her and got married very soon.. Well this is what my mom have told me and unbelievers her because after everything she went through with him she still loves him.. She and I have no idea where my sister is we don't even know her name. She is now 38 years old. Well the messed up thing is he has had the contacts to find me and get to meet me but Hejaz never even tried. My mother recently told me he is very sick and lost one leg due to diabeties,, she asked me if she wants her to find his phone number so I can talk to him.. He has never been in my life and I feel bad for him that his very sick but that doesn't change how I feel about him which is indifferent.. I don't understand how my mom loves that man.. Oh I forgot to mentioned he has 3 kids of his own who are probably around my age.. Even though they r my half blood I have no desire to meet them.. They only one who I still cry and ask God to give me the Vance to meet and hug and kiss is my real sister who is somewhere out there.

My mother got pregnant at 17 and I have no idea how old my father was. As soon as he found out he called her all kinds of awful things and left her. When I was 2 my mother met another man who I believed was my father until 5 when my mother told me otherwise. To add insult to injury they divorced when I was 6. At 9 she met my stepdad who I love very much and they now have my younger brother who I adore. When I was little my mom told me my dad's name but I can't remember and I'm scared to bring it up because I don't want to bring back the memories. I'm 13 now and I'm suffering from depression and self-conscious acceptance and I'm introverted. I'm scared to care about anyone because I don't want to end up like my mom did and the pain she went through. I don't even have to meet my father. Just to know who he is and what he's doing would give me closure.

I never met my dad or seen a picture of him . He abandoned my mom and me when I was just a baby . I never met anyone from his family either . I'm an only child and it's difficult to think that I might have half brothers or sisters that I probably will never meet. sometimes I wonder if they exist or know about me being the rejec child. I really have no desire of meeting my dad. I wish I could see a picture so that I may have closure of knowing what he looks like and if we has the same feature I do . It's weird because I don't resemble my mom at all , so I must look a lot like my dad. I envy some of my friends with sibling and fathers because for me it wasn't meant to be in this life .

It's okay to never want to meet your dad, but have you ever wondered if there were other circumstances which your mother never told you about or which did exist, but which your mother never knew concerning your father? Sometimes they do exist which prevents fathers from staying with or even knowing their children. I am not saying my experience is similar to your father's (the mother of my daughter never told me I was a father ... my daughter is 22 and I just found out 2 years ago), but you may want to think about finding him. He may have some missing facts or he may have a different story to tell. I do not believe it is meant to be for anyone to be fatherless .. there is always some reason, beyond, behind or other than the "he abandoned us " storyline in my opinion.

My husband fathered a child while we were on a break. She is now 2 1/2 and hes has never met her. We have three little boys, two older and one younger and I can't shake the guilt I feel about his little girl growing up feeling rejected. He didn't want the mother to have the baby and even fought to keep his name off the birth certificate (failed) He says he hates the little girl because of how much hurt her being here caused our family. It's the mothers fault and his not hers but she will pay for it her entire life. I want him to make an effort with her but at the same time feel horrible if hes does.. it does my head in every single day.. I am also scared of what he will say if she ever tries to find him or tries to find her brothers. You cannot unsay some things and what he thinks of her will be shattering..

your husband is a major a**hole..thats all I got to say. He hates her? really? this is not a good man

Your husband needs counseling. I'm sorry for your situation. I could not love a man who hates his own child.

thanks for sharing

Im dealing with something very simular, Im turning 18 years old and i never met him or have seen any pictures of him. I know some of his family members but i dont know how i really feel about meeting him. In a way i do want to meet him because i have so many unanswered questions and simply because its so hard to say that you never met your father before. My mom has been playing both roles and shes done an amazing job although sometimes i do think about how different my life would be if i had both parents.

My mum fell pregnant with me when she was 17 and had me at 18, my biological dad doesn't know I exist. My mum married another man when I was 18 months and then divorced him when I was 7. I was brought up thinking he was my dad but later found out he wasn't. I don't have contact with him anymore as he lives abroad with his new family. My mum remarried to another man 3 years ago, he is the perfect step dad and treats me like a real father, if anyone asks, I refer to him as my dad. I'm very happy with my life as it is and I should be greatful for all the love and support I have from my family but part of me is desperate to know who my biological father is. I know his name, but that is it, my mum doesn't talk about him and I don't know how to bring it up to her. I am now 18 and therefor I am able to do what I want I suppose. Does anyone have any ideas on how I could find or get in touch with my biological dad?

my mom never met her grandma had a one night stand with a man at her job. she ended up pregnant and he never knew or at least thats what my grandma says. when i ask her about him she wont tell me :( or my mom all we know is his name. my moms mom was african american and some people say that my moms dad was caucasian imagine growing up being the only mixed child and not knowing your father and looking different. Me personally i came out with red hair and pale skin my father is also mixed african american cherokee and some white..and i wonder where my red hair and pale skin came from. i asked my grandma again a couple years ago to tell me more about my grandfather and she told me that he had died and to get out of her face. i struggle because i feel like i dont know who i am... how do you find a family that you think is yours and tell them about you? How can i even be sure that they are mine? I just want to know who i am better yet what i am?

Im fifteen, and I meet my real dad in two days. I've texted him before and we're friends on fb, and my mom told me that I could meet him if I wanted to. Now that my dad and I have actually set a day to meet, my mom seems a little uncertain. She asked me "why the sudden interest in meeting your dad?" I don't know what to do now... I can't just bail from meeting him now, we planned it already, abd i dont wanna regret nit meeting him la<x>yer in my life, but my mom seems like she might not want me to. And I'm terribly nervous. Like, how am I supposed to respond when I see him? I know he's harmless because my family (especially my grandma) will openly talk about him. My grandma always mentions what a goofball he was, my mom always mentions how overdramatic he was... I'm also worried that if I see him once he'll have to pay child support or something, which I think is strange because I don't like just getting money for no real reason, y'know? I wouldn't mind getting some money to put towards this banjo I do desperately need to play,but... That's beside the point. I'm just so nervous. What if something bad happens? Why does he text me so much, is he just nervous or excited to meet me? Agh! <br />
Still I guess the situation isn't as bad as some people's. Good luck to everyone, including me :S

Im in the same situation.<br />
Im 17 my father had no part in my life.<br />
Yes i had a father role model which is my step father which i thank god sent him into my life. This man has been here for me since i was 2. Never left my side.<br />
I tell my mom that i wanna look for him because im curious. Not because i want him to be part of my life. But she thinks i shouldn't!

I'm in the same situation, I'm fifteen and my dad left before I was born. He actually wanted my mom to have an abortion. But the thing is, I found him on search site and have the number and he has kids now, I don't know if I should try to talk to him.

Reading your story hurt me for the wrong reasons...where are you from?

Gosh this must be really difficult, i can't imagine how you must really feel about it. I too wonder at this time in your life how difficult it would be have them come into your life. I do feel for you.<br />
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Take care

my dad 'BAILED' before i was born. my mum and i have this unspoken mutual agreement that we just don't talk about it. i have heard snippets from her when shes drunk or from other family members but all in all, i know very little. i do know this, my mum gave my dad the ultimatum, 'do you want to be on her birth certificate - he declined. hes always legal paid his way and when my mum has had to grovel for help, hes given it but this just grieves me more, the fact my mum was ever in a position where she had to ask for help stinks and the fact he only every contributed what he was legally obligated to do so pees me off! <br />
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My dad and his family live just yards from my house (he has a boy 2 years younger than me and a girl 4 years younger) we know who each-other is but again, this unwritten rule that we just look away and ignore one another. i know his children have a problem with me. we share the same local pub and i could sense she had an issue (dirty looks and scowls under her breath) so i found her on Facebook and said very diplomatically that if she ever wanted to talk thing out, i was happy to do so. i have always been very understanding that this situation is perhaps harder for his kids than me. I've always known the situation, they got told when there was a chance i could tell them first. Anyway, she replied saying - she tries not to hate me because of the situation but she hates me anyway... i found this really difficult. after all, i did nothing to contribute towards this mess.<br />
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My dad died in March. i know my mum privately called him a while before. i know secretly she always had feelings for him. he told her that he hoped that i didn't hate him and that he was going to write a letter to explain his thoughts and why he never got in touch. for months i was stupidly checking the letter box half expecting something to be there but obviously, there never was.<br />
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i have to live knowing that my dad died not wanting to know me and that he never even made that cop-out effort of a letter that he promised. in answer to his question..... i do hate him...

T'is might be to late to post but I've experienced the same. I know the name of my father and I know that I have a *Half* sister and brother. The brother is supposed to look supricingly like me. Don't know if I dare to meet them tho or if they even know I exist. hey maybe they do :) Who know's.

What's his name? My dad has a son he's never met n I wanna find my brother.

This "Bailed" stuff is tough for me to hear. I am a Father and I still live in the same town I was born in. I didn't go anywhere. but my son and his mother did. I didnt pursue them. I was pushed away. She wanted another man to be the father. 26 years later, my son has found me, I am happy but also hurting. she never told him what happened and I cannot tell him ether. so much is lost and they live far away, It will be hard to make up for lost time,

I have never once met my father. Ive never asked my mom about him and I dont hear stories about him from my family. I know nothing about the guy and honestly its whatever. I am 24 and I am my own man. You cant miss what you never had. And meeting him wouldnt be scary, I would treat him the same way I would any other human being I was meeting for the first time. Never give them the satisfaction.

my stories exactly the same, I also have a half brother, and now I'm meeting my father tomorrow for the very first time, and I have no idea how to feel, I'm scared to death!

my stories exactly the same, I also have a half brother, and now I'm meeting my father tomorrow for the very first time, and I have no idea how to feel, I'm scared to death!

i'd encourage you to pursue your siblings. you may need to go through your father for that, but frankly he owes it to you

itz the egsact same thing with me only im 11

itz the egsact same thing with me only im 11

i dont have any advice,here,i would have to trust in God,to guide me,,,let your concience,be your guide,persue your inner needs,regardless of who tries to stop you,,,they will,be gone,,,and you left with an emptiness, dont let that happen,please,

The term "bailed" is very judgemental. For dads leaving before birth, there is sometimes no choice if there is any hope for the future. I was mortified at the trap the mother laid for me (and admitted to me) in order to get pregant. I was a trusting virgin when I met her and she was very promiscuous. Dont trust people unconditionally. She had been sleeping with a number of men in order to get pregnant and we all wondered if we were "dad " throughout the years. I figured I was most likely to be "dad" because what she had told me, i.e. she succeeded with me. This should be a sexual offence I feel. I have never told my daughter this but friends and counsellors and doctors I have spoken to in private say that my daughter will work it out because the whole world knows about her mum and the things she does. It seems i cannot protect my daughter from the truth but I still chose not to tell her what her mum did. I refused to be a victim or to be forced into loving somebody as a result of them threatening me with my child, my daughter. I went away, studied a foundation course, then went to university and got a first class honours degree in computer science. Nobody can take that away from me. By being strong I have showed my daughter that one can still make something of one's life even if somebody else tries to ruin it to solve their own problems. The mother applied to the child maintenance when my daughter was 10 last year and I took the opportunity to have a dna test (because I wouldnt have been able to without a battle before, negating my chances at building a life at university). Not knowing for sure if the child I mourned the loss of all those years was mine came to and end. My daughter initiated the child maintenance search so that she could meet me. On father's day 2010, havnig never said a bad word to her mother, I asked the mother if I could meet my daughter and I did. We are so alike my daughter and in parts of our personailty, looks and even the foods we like that nobody else does and she threw her arms around me and said she loved me and wrote how she wanted to see me regularly. I met her 4 times over a fortnight, politely checking everything with the mother who, by the way, is on cocaine and whose partner of 9 years is a cocaine dealer. They have two children together and the local authority give her a big house in a village all free even though the social services have been involved over 8 years as the mother is domestically violent. Since then, because I would not enter into a sexual relationship with the mother, she withheld my daughter from me. A birthday passed and she turned 11. Christmas, and new year came and went. throughout all that time, I went to court, and the mother got my daughter to lie about the me, even the date we met. I could no longer afford court and was powerless to countless false allegations including intended abduction and coersion, even though I never said 1 bad word to ther mother. always intoxicated she just gets mad when you stay calm. So I dropped the case with no more funding or defense. At least without my needing to say anything, my daughter knows I honoured her wish by having applied to court and she knows that she herself lied for her mother to the court advisory officer who wrote a report. My daughter knows I honured her request to see me regularly as far as I could afford. She knows I am here for her waiting. She knows where to find me on facebook or by email or my music website. Bright kid, she is the top in her class, just like I was at school. Her mother has achieved nothing in her life but still I have never said a bad word about the mother to my daughter and I did everything by the book. I have no criminal record, not even a parking violation and I have lived as a good man all my life. It gets you knowhere as a absent dad. This is life in england for fathers who "bail". The appalling imbalance of favour is for the mother and is a vulgar display of power by the courts who are only interested in themselves, not either parent or child. It's just an easy way to split the nation.<br />
I hope you all have good mothers. Not all are the same as this situation. Please do not be judgemental about the fathers you dont know either. You never know the story for sure. So dont only contact them in anger of indifference as a stepping stone to other relatives or for some money you feel owed. Your father may love you and he may well know your mother better than you. Mothers don't always tell the truth aboutthese situation and kids born into captivity seem to have a sort of stockholm syndrome sympathisng with the parent who assume custody even before conception. Not all mothers are like that. Whatever your mum is like to you, good or bad or just okay, please consider that you dont know eveything about your dad. Many of us are disenfranchised. We cannot be knights in shining armour. I love my daughter. All those years I wondered. You dad may love you too, silently and unfathomably.

This has happend to me my real dad bailed on me when I was two now I'm thirteen and all I've got is a picture I want to talk to him but I live in England and he lives in new York he was in the American airforce so does anybody know if I can get records from the airforce about him ????

exactly same story as me.

I would have.

Hi there<br />
I am 25 yrs old. An only child. Grew up with just my Mom. My birth father bailed on my mom when he found out she was pregnant. She tried several times to get in contact with him for me when i was born then when i was 5, 7 and 12 and each time while the phone call sounded good, he never phoned me back.... i was devastated everytime. As i got older i got busy with school and i moved around ALOT, so thoughts of him were kind of put on the back burner. The last couple years I thought more and more about it and realized that I wanted to meet him one day and find out why he bailed. I figured he at least owed that to me, although there were no excuses. Last yr i found some individuals with his last name on facebook and contacted quite a few of them to see if any knew of him. 4 weeks agao (over a yr later) i received a reply from one of the individuals i had msg'ed. Turned out to be his Nephew! We spoke on the phone that night for over an hr and he told me some things about my 'father' and that he would pass the msg along that i was looking for him. Well 3 weeks passed and i figured he wouldn't phone but was determined to find him one way or the other if i had to drive to find him. Well... last sun he phoned! Since then we have spoke almost 6 hrs in total and things are so far going well on the phone. I found out i have 2 half sisters (12 &14) but they are with their Mom. I look just like him and we have the same personality etc... We have already mentioned meeting and i look forward to it. He told me he wants to be in my life from here on out and he has always thought about me, just didn't think i'd want him in my life so he waited for me to contact him. I'm glad he wasnt in my life in ways because my Mom and i wouldn't have gone through the times we did and have the strong bond that we do now had he been there the whole time. I wouldn't trade our relationship for nothing!!!! :D But i wanted to find my other half someday and i did !!!! This whole situation is going far better then i EVER expected it to and my advice to anyone would be just go for it if you feel your heart tells you to do so, it may turn out to be not such a bad thing afterall!!! :O)

I have the same problem. I'm fourteen years old and I haven't met my real father yet. I haven't ever seen him. I live with my mom and nobody else. I really never had a father figure in my life. It sucks and It makes me upset. Every fathers day I cry about it.

Bro , i feel you im only 18 and ive spent 3 years going through state and country databa<x>ses trying to find something and nothing comes up . i just wanna meet him and for him tto tell me why he walked out. and i also want to show him that i became what i am today without him. but i really would of liked to have my father around , , ,

I know how u feel; i am almost 12 and my father left me before i was even close to being born i always wonder about him and think what would he do when me and my mom argue. i try to ask her about him but when i did she said,"why do you want to know?"

The same thing happened to me. My father bailed before I was born. He sent me a Christmas card when I was about 10 years old but left no return address (on purpose my mother said). When I was in my 20's I tried to contact him, I knew where he worked and my aunt worked with him at the time. She told him I wanted to meet him, but he was really flaky about it. We were supposed to meet at a coffee shop but he called my cell phone which was turned off at the time (I kick myself for that) and left a message that he couldn't do it (he blocked his number and didn't leave one on the message. I have never seen a picture of him. He is a professor and I know what time and place he teaches classes, but I feel chicken to go see him. He has a new wife and a few young children. I had a dream last night that he wanted to meet me and am considering going to his work.

My dad killed himself when i was three years old. His father walked away from my grandmother when he learned she was pregnant. I am almost 14 and I am in prusuit to find my grandfather who i only know his name and where he was born and lived when my dad was conceived do you have any advice on how i could find him when he could be any where????

i have never met my father too i am 15 and a only child i live with my mum and i am too scared to ask her incase i upset her. what can i do

I left before my son was born. She was sexually abused by her father for nearly a decade, but wanted so badly to reconcile with him, which disturbed me to no end. When she announced she was pregnant, I walked out. Two weeks later, I tried to reconcile, but I made the mistake of saying that her father could not go near our child when born and the child would know that he was a dangerous abuser to avoid; big mistake on my part. <br />
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About a month after he was born, I sought visitation rights, but the mother did not place me on the birth certificate and left with her family; they were Tibetan refugees in Canada and all they had were each other and I clearly would have ruined this newly imagined "happy little family". I was too young to do much about it at the time and could not find where she went (this was pre-Internet days folks). I moved on, but always looked for information where I could. <br />
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Twenty years later, I know who my son is and how to e-mail him, but my brother advised against it, saying that she might have built a happy life ba<x>sed on an imaginary past. My brother advised that she likely said I am either dead or the bad guy in all of this. Either way, nothing good would come of me contacting him. <br />
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To all of you longing to meet a father who left, keep in mind that moms don't always tell the truth about these things. Your father might want to hear from you more than anything, but fear might be holding him back. Take a chance.

my father left me before i was born and he is dead so he can just rott in hell for all i care for he has a million other kids and he never cared about me so he can go to hell

me too i waited too long now hes dead i found out 2 days ago

Your storys sounds exactly like mine. my father bailed before I was born I know is name and nothing else. and I grew up a only child. The only diffrence is I have tried to find my father and can never seem to find him on any of the search sites.

iv never met my father as far as i was concerned he was a dif man who died yrs ago but my mother finally told me his alive and his scotish that he left when he found out she was preg thats 23 yrs ago and now i really want 2 know who he is but she wont talk about it so all i av is his name is david graeme his in his 40s nd use live in london and what makes it harder is im from ireland so i dont no where 2 start

I have the same thing going on. I am about to turn 21 and want to still meet him even tho he is a complete stranger to me. I just dont want to wake up one day to find his name in the obituaries and live the rest of my life thinking of how I should have met him. I want to try but my mom would be devistated. I hope you meet him. I really hope you do.

hi i am about to turn 21 too. my dad left my mum as soon as he found out that she was pregnant. My mum already had 3 sons by her ex husband and so my dad didnt stick around. I met him about 2 months ago. i found out that my mum had known his address all these years. I wrote to him and he replied very quickly saying that he wanted to meet me. we emailed for a couple of weeks before we met which really helped although was a bit intense. Things were going fine except i recently discovered that he and my mum have been seeing each other again and now it seems they are in a relationship. I feel really pushed out because i am at uni in london and they both live near each other so see each other a lot. my advice to you is to search for him because your mum is bound to have her own feelings but you have to put yourself first, dont do what i have done and play happy families. good luck

My husband has a little girl he would LOVE to have contact with, but the mom didn't put him on the birth certificate, and he is ready to walk away from it because he is tired of fighting to see his kid. She is almost three, and if he walks away from it now I am sure her mom will tell her he walked out on her.

I have the same story, if you could find him you might want to try...before its too late, nothing lasts forever. i waited to long...

hey i have the same problem the exact same but im younger and i really want to meet my dad but my mom just want let me. i think you should meet him.