Never Knew My Father!

 

I have read many of the other stories, they are all inspiring. I can find pieces in each of them, pieces that are very similar to mine. However, it seems none two are the same! I found this website when I was googling for answers……..I hope I find them!   I have not handled my dad situation very well……… Especially in the past few years. I am 21 years old. A pretty nice girl, I will be graduating from college this May. I have always been an exceptional child. I am not telling you that as brag…but just so you may better understand this story. I always got great grades; I did the sports thing, the cheerleading thing, the academic team, DECA. To put it short, there was not an activity or interest I did not have as a child. From the outside I was “that girl” with the perfect life and the perfect family.   I am the oldest of three children. For my child hood my father and I were close. At least I thought so. He traveled and was only home on weekends for the majority of my childhood. I was a freshmen in high school when he came off the road. That was the time we really started having problems. My entire family has always treated me special. I have Grandparents who spoiled me, and an Aunt who has always treated me extra special. My mother even always treated me very differently from my other two siblings. But, mostly my Father; it was around the time I entered high school that I began to notice how very different I was treated.   It was like my dad became very angry one day and just never got over it. He began being very mean to me, I never pleased him. Nothing I did for years was ever good enough. It was no big deal for us to go a few weeks and not speak a word to each other. It was also not a big deal for my mother to tell me to lock myself in my bedroom so he wouldn’t harm me. My Father was a bi-polar who made everyone’s life a living hell. I use to cry myself to sleep on a regular basis. I remember looking in the mirror and wondering how and why my dad hated me so badly. He was not very nice to his other two children at this point, but he never treated them as poorly as he did me.   I have dark (almost black hair) and huge brown eyes. My mother and father are light hair and green eyes. My younger siblings have blue and green eyes and blonde and light brown hair. I have always looked so different from everyone. People use to always comment and make jokes to my mom about me being the mailman’s child. Whenever I began to ask questions, mom would just say I got the best of her and dad. She told me once that I was lucky….her most beautiful, special child! You see my younger brother and sister both look identical to my parents. I just always felt this overwhelming need to look like someone, anyone. I had a desire to belong as a child. I just never felt like I fit anywhere. I was always different or special as my mother called it.   A few days after I turned 18 my mother told me that my father was not really my dad. (Biologically) A secret she had promised herself to take to the grave. I was so shocked! I honestly never ever thought anything like this. If anything I thought I resembled dad more than her. Then my mom pulls out a old yearbook and shows me a man; not just any man, a man with my face, lips, eyes, hair, skin. A man that I was molded from. He was my biological father. My mom and he had dated in high school, and when she separated from her husband in 86 she had began seeing him secretively again. (Crazy dad (CD) that’s what will call the man I thought was my father) and (BD) that’s what will call my biological dad. My mom went back to CD. Three days later she finds out she is pregnant, about 5 weeks. Mom was scared and didn’t know what to do. It turned out that BD had another girl or wife or something and she was pregnant too. My mother stayed with CD and had me under the pretense that I was his child. I was raised for 18 years as his child. Only a very few people knew BD and Moms secret. About 4 to be exact. My mom, BD, my aunt, and well my Grandparents who are still in denial.   The first thought I had was relief. I wasn’t CD child, I wasn’t apart of someone I hated so badly. For years I had thought I was a terrible person for hating my own father. I had wondered how I could be apart of someone so different from me. My whole life I had wondered if I had been swapped at birth. But, now it all made sense a little. After being told who my father was. I immediately ask to meet him….But, as it turned out he had died three years before.   I had actually attended his funeral, a day I will never forget. Everyone in a room staring at me. I remember thinking how weird all these people were and wondering why strangers were hugging me. Why my aunt couldn’t look at me without breaking down. Mom just kept telling me how close her and CD were, and how she didn’t handle death right….more like how she didn’t handle grief right.   I was so lost as I pieced together these pieces of my life, I was only 18. I had a brother I did not know. A brother who I have grown very close with over the past four years. That day I found out CD wasn’t my father was the last day he spoke to me. Mom said she told me because she didn’t want me to live the rest of my life thinking CD was a part of me. It’s been 4 years and I am so lost. I think about this father I never knew every day. Everyone tells me he was such a good man. My mother tells me all the time how much I have always reminded her of him. How I talk like him and act like him…oh yeah and how I am his child twin. This man I have never knew is such a large part of me. He has so much control over my life, and I have never met him,,,,and I never will.   I am going to be 22 in a week. I think I should be over this. It is something I struggle with daily. I have had some serious dilemmas with the whole issue. No one knows the pain it has caused. It isn’t something I really discuss with many people…a few friends and family members.   I began visiting my BD grave recently thinking it would bring closure. I have saw a counselor….I have talked to my family. But, I can not let go of him. A man I never knew is controlling more of my life than I am and I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I am looking for answers….but, I don’t even know the questions I want to ask. I read all of these other blogs…It made me think, maybe sharing it with others who don’t know me would help!
ANH87 ANH87
18-21
2 Responses Mar 3, 2009

...very reminiscent of my story. Funny how it can consume you.

...very reminiscent of my story. Funny how it can consume you.