I Think I Know Why...

[Just warning people that this may be a long and somewhat "angsty" story, but if you feel like reading the whole thing then go on ahead]

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I have had some pretty messed up stuff happen to me when I was younger, I were constantly bullied at school from 4th grade all the way through 6th grade...

I believe this is why I have such a low self esteem; people in class kept calling me stupid, I once tried to ask them to stop yelling in the changing room after gym class, they were raising their voices more and more and it ended as a yelling contest between 3 of them, and I asked if they could stop because the noise was so loud my ears were ringing and it was a major headache to listen to that piercing sound... when I asked them to stop one of them got annoyed and grabbed me by my shirt and lifted me of the ground with one hand, then he said it straight into my face with a really angry voice:

"Shut your stupid ugly face or I will punch you, and if you just as much as THINK of the idea to tell the teacher about this, then you will pay".

Then he threw me hard against the wall that was right behind me.
the other guys had left when they started having the yelling contest, but I hadn't gotten to change completely.

When he threw me against the wall I just slumped over on the floor in pain, then I heard one of the other 2 say:

"Tch, let's go eat or something"
"yeah I'm hungry"

Then I heard the door open and close.
I opened my eyes to find myself still in immense pain lying there on the floor, I managed to get back on my feet and looked around for my bag, it was thrown about the place, I suspect the other two did it while the first guy threw me at the wall.

I was so scared, I had none I felt I could talk to, if I told the teacher what had happened like last time I thought it would happen again (like the last time I talked to the teacher about them bullying me).
My parents I thought would just talk to the teacher first witch I thought would have the same outcome.
and the few friends I had were also bullied by them.
so... yeah...

I have ended up developing this sort of facade over the years after moving to the OTHER side of the country (because of my mom)
I was overjoyed, I could finally leave that miserable past of mine behind and start a new life.

the only problem was; I where then a 7th grader in a school where I didn't know anyone...
It was a completely unknown and foreign place to me, so I ended up not socializing much at all, luckily, nobody here was evil against me, so I was finally left alone.
So I've had allot of time for myself, just thinking.

And during all of this time I've never even once thought of myself as beautiful, people have called me cool a few times recently, but I don't see how... I of all people can be seen as "cool", I see myself as nothing but a guy who just wants to live a peaceful life somewhere...
It is all I truly want.
and I'm reaching out towards that dream, but until I can find someone that can like me for who I am and accomplish that dream... then that dream will remain nothing but a dream...

The previous and only girl that I managed to man up the nerves to ask out never replied back to me, I still see her every day because we take the same buss into town, but she have never spoken a word to me, not once...
instead of just getting a "No" or something like that, I ended up with a feeling like I wasn't wanted and that she didn't even see me...
that nagging feeling in the back of my head that I never got any response at all...
it has left me with something along the lines of trust issues and the inability to actually try and ask a girl out because I am to afraid of being rejected.

and all that has led me to fall in love with a fictional character because I feel like she can give me more comfort right now than anyone else that I know in real life...

now I will go back to my corner and think about my life and why I have to suffer through this even though pretty much all of my life has consisted of trying to help others while nobody really has done much to return the favors...

TT.TT

Why can't you just exist in physical form in this world Lucy?
why...
ThatGuyInTheCornerOverThere ThatGuyInTheCornerOverThere
18-21, M
Dec 13, 2012