It Warms My Heart.....
This place, Experience Project, has become for me more than a place to write and express things about my life and self. It has taken on the warming of a heart that in recent days has been cold, lonely and certainly in need.
I wrote a story a few days prior. I titled it, "A short answer to a long problem." This was a story for the: I feel suicidal, group. And while I am certainly not proud of feeling this way or the despair I came to feel and realize in the past few weeks.......it eventually gave way to a new understanding. An understanding of recognizing a time of need, a time where I just need to regroup myself and my thoughts. I pushed everyone away during this ugly time in my life.......including those here and in my real life.
Why you may ask would I do that? Well for me it is simple. When I realize I am wrong or have done something that is my fault I would rather take that responsibility on me and pay for it on my own in my own way. The past few weeks and days I have been down a bit over a few things and it all came to a head. I took my anger and hurt out on those around me and hurt them for hurting me. It made me feel so very desperate and alone I didn't see an out except with leaving it all behind. Of course I didn't do anything to permanently take myself away but I did hurt myself and have 2 scars to prove it :-(
Proud? Heck no
But certainly left with a new sense of understanding of the struggles I hadn't known before I personally struggled with it myself. I had the support of a few and especially Eric through this tough time and for that I feel so very appreciative of those here and in my real life, that cared to say...."are you OK?"
I, like so many others, cannot fully fathom the why of how we develop friendships so easily here. I am honored to have these and others in my life as the daily struggles will never go away completely. It is nice to know that there is someone willing to help me here and beyond if and when I need it.
Thanks to all who cared and helped to make me feel loved even through the computer screen :-)