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Nothing I Can Think Of...

The more I think about it, the more I've come to realize that at my age, I should have more to show for myself in the way of what I might be good at or what I might be interested in. You would think that by 32, most people would be good at SOMETHING, or be content with whatever interest or hobby that they may have picked up in the year prior. Not so much for me.

I can't write prose OR poetry, I'm not artistic in ANY capacity (and even have ridiculously bad handwriting to boot), cannot play any musical instrument, have zero athletic ability which might not be so bad if I made up for it in the "brains" department, but alas, nothing going on there either. I also have none of the "intangible" skills like socializing or making friends which is getting even harder to cope with the older I get. Nothing interests me in any capacity because nothing is actually interesting to me, but also because that no matter what I would choose to try, I would never be good at it anyway, no matter how much I worked at it (I have good reasons to know why this is true). It's really hard to know this about yourself, especially when no matter whom else you meet or talk to always has invariably something that they can talk about, like what kind of sport they like to play or what kind of instrument they can perform with. I guess that ties in directly to my inability to connect with people. What is the point of trying to talk to people when there is nothing interesting to say about yourself to keep the conversation going?

Tuva Tuva 31-35, M 7 Responses Mar 13, 2011

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Well, I agree with you on that. Kind of a double-edged sword. It's nice to know that someone else feels the same way, but at the same time kind of depressing that anyone else HAS to feel this way. And I like your quicksand analogy. Very true. Sad, but true.

I feel exactly all the same things you're feeling. I feel helpless, trapped, like I'm in some kind quicksand and I'm just sinking further and further. It's both good and bad to know that there is someone like me out there in the world (good because I know I'm not alone in feeling this way; bad because it saddens me that someone else feels this sadness and loneliness that I'm feeling).

I think you are good at it, I enjoy your stories but I don't get to comment often because the phone won't always let me.

Thank you fungirl, I just wish I was actually good enough to be "good" at it.

I think you are a good writer.

@shadowofformerself: Maybe we ARE being too hard on ourselves, but sometimes it's hard for me to believe that. If I had just one thing to maybe hang my hat on, to be proud of and to know that I'm good at, it might not be so bad. It might make everything else seem not so bad. But right now I have a hard time seeing the glass as half full.



@elysiaaa: part of my problem IS my social anxiety, which seems to be actually getting worse as I get older (which is not usually seen...lucky me), but part of it may be that maybe I AM just lazy. Well, maybe not lazy, but unfocused and unmotivated to stick with anything too long. I just can't focus on anything for any length of time before I get frustrated with it. I wish I had your outlook on life, especially after high school, with a reinvigorated attitude to making friends and trying new things. Unfortunately, high school and the accompanying teenage years really screwed me up badly, so much so that I'm still reeling from their effects years later.

"It's really hard to know this about yourself, especially when no matter whom else you meet or talk to always has invariably something that they can talk about, like what kind of sport they like to play or what kind of instrument they can perform with. I guess that ties in directly to my inability to connect with people. What is the point of trying to talk to people when there is nothing interesting to say about yourself to keep the conversation going?"



I can connect with that. I was never really involved in anything in high school. Everything I did try- I gave up within two weeks. It's not that I was lazy, it was that my social anxiety got the best of me. When I talk to people, I find that I'm always asking THEM the questions. "What are your hobbies?" "Oh, that's really cool, good for you blah blah blah" I hate talking about myself because I feel there isn't much to say. "Yeah, I gave up most of the things I tried in high school because I was too shy, isn't that cool?" haha. HELL NO.



Now that I'm out of high school, I want to get back to trying new things. I have more confidence in doing that because I'm in a whole new world with new people- no one knows if I'm shy or not. Also, I'm my own person, I will never let anyone dictate what I want to do or try.



I really hope you find something enjoyable to do when you least expect it :]