It Shatters A Person On The Inside

I feel totally shattered right now!
I know it's a combination of things
It’s a culmination of many streams that have run to form this ocean (of tears?)

I called my acquaintance /not so close friend just to talk, to hear someone who knows me
To have a friendly voice take away some of the pain, by very virtue of just being there on the phone
Her daughter answered the receiver and informed me mom is downstairs at the pool, with a friend
When I heard that, I shattered inside.
Adrift yet again on an ocean, dying in my solitude, seeing no warm shores to welcome me, I want to crawl inside of my shell and close my eyes forever
Aloneness is a terrible burden to bear

Having no one close to me, no real life friends that I interact on a regular basis is so very painful
I feel like someone has crawled inside of my and slashed away at my heart
I feel hollow and desolate

The few close friends on EP I care about, even less EP peeps I love and the not so close ones I value too
I wish I had just one real life close friend, a best friend, a friend for life, a kindred one, like I did years ago
It was such a blessing and I find myself looking backwards, I acknowledge that that friendship is not for me,
I do wish I had one to replace it, with the same warmth, familiarity, joviality, energy, warmth, sweetness and trust
To fill the hole in my heart
Help to make me whole and help heal the pain
Lunadelobos Lunadelobos
46-50
21 Responses Jul 22, 2010

It is a huge challenge when you are UNfamiliar with love concept as you were not properley exposed to it from infancy, understand ?...<br />
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First the awakening and owning this reality that I A M WORTHY OF LOVE, SELF LOVE AND SELF CARE..THUS I AM CREATING MY OWN JOY, MY OWN EDEN.<br />
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All else will follow...<br />
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Thanks for commenting Annior.

The hole in your heart may be the first thing you need to tackle. Once you fill that with self-love, friends will flock to you.

i don't really need a flock just some kindred spirits :")

We have to try our best to fight the tides sometimes i know it's awefully hard, but you know, if we do what we have always done<br />
we get what we always got :(<br />
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Have faith it will chage ! Be persistend be consisted be dedicated and be open to whatever good even if strange, comes your way, embrace it !<br />
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Cheers, good luck to you :))

S ~ right on friend! Kisses are so awesome :)<br />
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J21~Thank you for your comment and offer, I extend it to you reciprocally, if you want to chat I welcome that :).<br />
For sure you're not the only one! (see you are in good company here:)<br />
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Take good care of yourself, K.

Reading your story was like being inside my mind. It was helpful for me as I know I am not alone in feeling the way I do. There are times when I think I am the only person in the world with no close friends. <br />
I am always here to talk to.

A very belated thank you, joey21 :)

I think it is working for me right now anyway! glad you are lovin it! hehehehehehe <br />
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sides I can never get enough forehead kisses so bring it on! YAY YAY YAY!

Thank you Smugit!!! :)))Thank you for the support it's so good to receive !!!<br />
~ love and warm fuzzy hugs, I really appreciate that!!! <br />
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PS love the outfit and very nice pumps :D!<br />
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*K runs over to S and kisses on foreheard, if it's ok *

awwwwwwwwwwwww hugs you and keeps you company when every you need me! you are never really alone you have us all! we love you!

Hi ILM thank you so much! (((hugs))) you are so right! <br />
It's not personal at all, and my emotions do get the better of me very often!<br />
I am so glad for your understanding and level perspective !!!! <br />
*K runs over to ILM and hugs, if it is alright* <br />
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..Well I am on now :P, I guess I missed you.<br />
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Be well and take good care of yourself, <br />
K.

Kurzemiete, you're Last post made a lot of sense...

(this is without reading everyone else's replies) You and I apparently need to learn the same lesson. Just because your friend or someone my heart achess for on EP (big mystery who :-D) decides to have a life outside of us at the moment we happened to need them doesn't necessarily mean they intentionally abandoned us... Are you on now? I'll talk for an hour or two more if you need someone... I'm always there for a Latvian if they are fairminded.

Hi girlcapitol, thank you very much for your comment.<br />
You brought up a very interesting point, "maybe in our darkest times we cannot communicate and others cannot respond" it sure almost feels that way! Like the world is deying the very thing I need when I am at my most vulnerable and broken.<br />
Meanwhile when I had a really canny and sympathetic therapist that was not the case at all! I was understood, supported, listened to and validated in my darkest, most harrowing hours.<br />
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Depression does cause very warped perception. I remeber when I was nearing the vortex of my psychological collapse I would say to my therapist "i feel like there is a dark cloud around me, people can sense my bleakness etc." It was all nonsense! At the time I was in colledge studying American Sign Language. I projected a very together chipper persona, while inside I was falling apart.<br />
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Thanks again for the your words, hugs right back at you:)

thank you so much for your warmth ana positive words Breezeann!! (hug)<br />
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I think the key is no matter how terrible I may feel one moment, when I regain my (relative) equilibrium , I try to keep life OPEN to positive and beneficial paths and outcomes for me. <br />
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It's a new way of looking at things but I am on that road!

1tktyjut4e~<br />
Thanks for your comments on my story, I appreciatte that!:)<br />
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I have had very close friendships , some as close as my own kin, so i know all about what it takes and what is required of me~ the give and take the trust the love the bond, the joys and sorrows two kindred spirits share!!!<br />
Been there, done that several times!! :)<br />
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"Depression"may have been another group to post that story under , nevertheless, it's all tied in together!<br />
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Ok take care,K

hey! don't get depress! there's more in this life! enjoy! <br />
u know not all things inside you can be shared to a same person. sometimes, in this life, you are relieved when you share your thoughts to stranger. ironically, sometimes, strangers are better listeners than friends.

hey.. look around you.. maybe you just overlook people. well, actually, i have many friends. they care a lot for me because i care for them, too. in simple ways, i extend how important they are too me.<br />
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well, i also experienced what you've felt but it was a short span of loneliness. why? because, at that time, someone told me that if you really want to have true friends, befriend and love yourself first. motivate yourself to live life accordingly and happily. have the driving force that you perceive life so dearly and simple. and be a friend of them too. listen attentively to them. well, with that, you'll find true friends later on. they'll be more interested at you. they'll be the one to draw their selves near to you. <br />
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i hope i help you. you may find me, arrogant or brag, but that's the truth I learn in this life.

Thank you so much for everyone's comments! I so appreciate that ")<br />
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To have confirmation of being heard, and therefore seen and essentially acknowledged, even ‘long distance’, even though you would never know me by face, or voice or any physical characteristic, for me is absolutely HUGE! I digress here a bit but really how wondrous a thing it is to be able to size up a person (to an extent), somehow step into their shoes and glean into their life and feelings, to be able to touch a person’s inner core (if they are so inclined to reveal it in their writings). I try to reveal my self honestly while at the same time maintaining some anonymity. <br />
I realize it’s vital to us all as people, to have acknowledgement from withOUT, but as a sufferer of mental idiosyncrasies (my coined phrase for mental illness, for if I have to live with all that dross, I want to have another angle on this business, one that does not bring me still lower to my knees!) acknowledgement has been a very elusive and strange creature. For most of my life I feel I’ve not been either seen or heard, nor validated or understood. It is for me akin to the Holy Grail in my life, the goal most often out of reach and dearest to the heart.<br />
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Depression along with its minions (anxiety, PTSD, etc) relentlessly severe to devalue, to demean and even dehumanize a human being. <br />
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So yes I thank you all so very much, today was a rough day and feeling your support, sensing that human heart in your words means the world to me!<br />
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~ My friend’s unavailability at the crucial moment when I was already feeling quite despondent was in this instance the trigger to my psychological nose-dive.

I'm sorry? you're upset because she was busy when you called? or did i miss something?

Yes. Nothing like a friend to sit with & have coffee or a meal. I moved away from my friends & miss the laughing, small talk & support. Life feels short-changed.

I sympathize. It can be tough to cultivate deep friendships as an adult. You're certainly not alone. (((hugs))).

I know how you feel on that one don't have a best friend anymore but lucky enough to have a couple of close ones. I really feel for you on this one I love some on EP to but wish it wasn't gonna cost me a $2000 return airfare just to see them! There is nothing more worse in the world than losing a best friend feels like losing a spouse tough emotionally, (Hugs) to you my great friend xx