I Have Never Had A Close FriendThis group seems to fit me well....ahem.
I have no real friends, no close friends and I have never had any either. Nor schoolmates nor my parents have ever really known what's on my mind.
I have never really had any confidence in someone, or maybe not in myself, because I have never shared anything personal with anyone. I have always thought that whatever I was thinking about or feeling was wrong and sick, and if anyone knew they would be outraged.
I have a few not-at-all-close-friends who I don't know very well either, my guess is they don't trust me since I don't seem to trust them. I wish I could but it just seems so embarrassing for me to spill my life directly on another person, not to mention here of all places.
I have never tried to make a first move to befriend someone either, that is mostly because I always walk around thinking "Why'd he/she want to be with me? I shouldn't bother the world with my presence, the'll be happy without me" and I guess most people see me as the creepy guy by the wall who sticks to himself.
Even though I live just a wall away from my neighbors studying here I suffer terribly from the solitude and emotional coldness, and I can't see any kind of value in myself (if there is any) because nobody else seems to find any. Basically I judge myself completely from other's view of me, and since there isn't really anything they say since I don't know anyone, I am basically dead.
I had the same problem last year before I went to college, and during the Summer vacation I started hurting and hating myself til the point I tried to kill myself by hanging. Nobody knows about it, because I didn't want to go to an asylum. It obviously didn't work, it rather had the opposite effect because I got a real kick to suck it up and get myself together for college, but now I feel more and more like that again.
So yeah, there's the main problem of my life I guess, hope you enjoyed reading about my misery as much as I suffered living it.
deleted 26-30 3 Responses 0 Jan 15, 2013