Everyone Always Leaves

It's the same way every time we try this thing, this belief thing, this relationship thing. I'll never get used to the fact that You expect me to just forget about what happened. I'll never forget the fact, and it is a fact, that when everything went to hell You left me. You took away the people around me, isolated me, and eventually quit speaking to me all together.

Did You do that because I wasn't talking to You? Did you do it because I wasn't listening anyway? Is that the way You are? Do you leave people at the first sign of imperfection, the first sign of doubt, the first time they get angry with You? You didn't even stick around to give me a chance to come back to You. You hightailed it and ran, taking every bit of sanity I had left. I couldn't think, eat, sleep, dress myself or find enough reason to make another friend. To this day, a few of those things on that list are still true.

You ruined my trust. You demolished my world view. You stole every good thing about my life. Now You want me? Now You're asking me to just come back and talk to You, worship You, follow You? You've seriously got to be kidding me. But you know what the messed up thing is? I want to. I want You. I want to raise my hands high every chance I get and feel myself touch your heart with worship. I want to feel complete again, resting in the knowledge that you knew me before I was born, laid out my steps, and You walk with me through everything. I remember what it feels like to be full of love and admiration for You. I remember being moved by Your heart to change and be a better version of myself. I watch them every Sunday give You their heart, listen to your Word, and interact with the people around them. I study them, gleaning every bit of information about their experience that I can. I don't close my eyes when they pray because I want to see You on their face. It's all I have.

I vicariously live though their interaction with You. I cry on my way home every time, desperate to take a chance, to take my hands out of my pockets and feel. I let every emotion I observed crash over me in the privacy of my vehicle and wonder if You see me. Do You see me? Do you hear the thoughts in my head? Can You understand anything I'm feeling? I'm so afraid you don't. I'm so afraid you don't want to get near me because I'm broken.

I'm afraid I'll ask too much and expect too much and end up lost in my head again. Did You see me then? What did You think when I hurt myself to stop the pain? Did You watch me struggle? Where were You? I live with the unchallenged lie that you weren't there. I live with the blank stares of people I used to know, people who used to know me. I live with the knowledge of what I had to do to survive. I see the muddy footprints everywhere. They stain, you know.
ajsilentvoice ajsilentvoice
26-30
Aug 12, 2010