Were Is The Love

i have no family, no friends. I have one living brother that is a great person but he is a drug addict and i have not been able to track him down in over two years, He is probably dead i called the state department of corrections so he is not in prison.
          My mother did not like my brother i never new why, unless you consider not giving your son any attention abuse there was no physical abuse. i am mixed race my mother was white and my father was black, When i was around fifteen i found out we had different fathers, I was the youngest, So this doesn't become a book  i will get to the point my father killed my brothers father and his son which would be my oldest brother when my mother was pregnant with me from what i know he was gonna kill everyone but my mother shot him and he took off he was a large man. Well my now only living brother witnessed all of this when he was three, It ruined him he is ruined, i tell him i love him but it doesn't help he self medicates with street drugs so he is numb of love lost. 
          I grew up in white Irish projects as a black boy i had a couple of friends but not many i got into fights everyday just leaving my house. I became very tough, and very angry. for years many years i was mean to people close to me like girlfriends friends everyone, I did not know any better i was always afraid of lowering my defense even a little. From my upbringing i have always looked for the worst quality's in people and not the good ones. I only recently learned how to love people, I am now thirty six years old there was no real men around i could look up to and learn from. But recently being warmer to people they really open up to you. I have started talking to people and not so worried about defending myself emotionally. But i am alone and i am very sad thirty six years is a long time to keep yourself in a bubble i wasn't even aware of. I am starving for attention but i have to pretend to be confident so i don't scare people off. i see men with family's and it breaks my heart to not know what that love feels like.
Gabrial617 Gabrial617
36-40, M
3 Responses May 8, 2012

I'm able to feel that same way. I have nobody either. Except my abuse stunted my growth emotionally. I can't get too close. If I do, without intending to, I push and push and push until the person who felt anything for me decides I'm just not worth it. And I know I'm not. I'm just opening their eyes up to it before they fall too far and it's too late. If you want, we can talk on here. I hope it gets easier for you.

Sounds like you are on this planet to take care of your brother. Some beginnings suck, very true for you and your brother. Go find him, he needs you. Love is the answer, go find a kind loving woman and start a family our own. You are a powerful soul who can create the family you desire by finding loving people. Nurture those relationships, you'll be fine.

Your post was impacting, especially the comment...<br />
"I am starving for attention but i have to pretend to be confident so i don't scare people off. i see men with family's and it breaks my heart to not know what that love feels like."<br />
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I feel exactly like that, except I am a female. I too am very lonely. I am 45. I have drawn closer to the Lord and He has been my companion. Yet, I know that we all need a human touch, and human words to let us know we are cared for. I pray daily God helps me get through that day...one day at a time.<br />
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Read Psalms 23.