My Family Disowned Me...

I used to have a family and was very involved with them. My parents and I used to always go on trips, outings, or watch CSI together. My aunts and uncles would have us over for BBQs, and we would always talk and laugh about stuff. We would always have a thanksgiving dinner or a Christmas dinner together. Then when I was 14, my mom sent me to over 8 people for psychiatric testing, claiming I was mental. Not one person believe anything was wrong with me or that my mom had any evidence to prove so. She told me she wished I was never born, and that she had aborted me, and called me awful names. She called everyone in my family and told them horrible stories about me that weren't true. This went on for years, and then she kicked me out of the house. Then I found out my dad had terminal brain cancer. My dad had always loved me and treated me fairly and always talked to me and would hang out with me. I was devastated. He passed away this year and the day after he died my aunt gathered my family together and came up with the plan to disown me. She had met me twice in my life because she lives in Ottawa, while my other aunts and uncles knew me for years and loved me. She just listened to the lies my mom said about me. They told me I wasn't part of their family and my mom was all that mattered to them. My mom has also made all my family friends hate me, many people from my church don't like me anymore, and even my grandparents wouldn't hug me at my dads funeral. Since then I have had no family. No one cares about me except for my fiance. My family has never met him, and they never will. They won't be at my wedding. However as much as my fiance loves me it doesn't replace the feeling of having a mom or uncles and aunts. I feel alone because even when I am with my fiances family its not the same as my family once was. No one asks me how I'm doing or even congratulated me on my engagement. I just wonder if anyone else has a similar experience and has any suggestions on how to heal from this devastating loss, which happened for no reason. Thanks for reading my story.
cmfrecke cmfrecke 18-21 19 Responses Jul 31, 2010

Your Response


@cmfrecke<br />
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I know you uploaded your experience back in 2010, but as the tears ran down from my face i realised more and more how similar your story is to mine. Its difficult so difficult to get over and 4 years on i'm still trying to be stronger not think about all those past issues but they still surround my thoughts every now and again.<br />
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Congratulations on your engagement.<br />
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My only advice would be to surround yourself with positive things, people you love and just live you life to the best that you can by doing the things that you truly enjoy. <br />
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ITs tough - but you gotta fight that emotional fight with yourself and win!! Dont let it own you.

You need to read up on Narcissist mothers, my mom was like this also, controlled everything with her lies and manipulations. I can't remember her ever holding me or brushing my hair. She would downplay, ignore, or just plain ruin any good moment in my life. My dolls or toys or pets would just magically disappear. She was so jealous of my relationship with my dad. I learned early on in my childhood to hide affection I felt for my beloved dad. He was the only one I thought that really loved me. She will talk about me behind my back and she spent every waking moment putting me down. By the age of 50 she had managed to shut me out of any family function. She would tell people that she had invited me but of course she really never did. There is no winning with this type of mother. I finally walked away after she shut me out of my dads sickness, hospital stay and sudden death. I have never spoken to her again and never will. I see now the extent to her evil and just how much effort she put into hurting me and I had to always see her smirk as she was causing me pain. I have a only daughter and even at the birth of my daughter she could not be bothered to be there for me. I could never see me hurting my daughter and especially enjoying causing her so much pain. Its been seven years of NO Contact and I truly wish I had done it years ago, but my dad was the only reason I put up with her crap. I also see now that if he had truly loved me he would never have let her hurt me so much. He undoubtedly loved her a lot more than me. This has been the most painful realization yet. She won afterall.

I am so sorry. I cried reading your story. My dad is still around, but other than that it sounds very similar to what happened to me. I would always catch my mom on the phone telling my family lies about me. Soon my whole family wanted nothing t do with and told me horrible, horrible things which I can never forget and which feel as if they have permanently broken my heart. I have a fiancé too, who loves me very much, but I still can't seem to fill the hole that is left by having no support or love from my family. I always knew that things were messed up but I never knew it would get this bad. In my experience, it was because my mom has some serious mental problems. It is probably the same in your case, and maybe that is why she felt like she had to claim you suffered from mental problems. The fact that your family supported her without a second thought towards your case supports this, as they see her as the victim and will do anything for her.
I came onto the internet to try to find some supporting words, since its hard to get any from people who do not know what it is like to be disowned. Just know that you worth all the love you have been denied. In this sad and mixed up world, most people are just blindly stumbling along, making mistakes or believing that the wrong things they are doing are justified. It helps to think that maybe they just don't know what they are doing. I myself don't quite understand yet how to deal with all of the pain that comes from both the happy memories and the sad ones, all I know is that I have to try to respect myself in the way that I wish I had been respected and loved.
I also find consolation in thinking that now it is my turn to choose my family, instead of the ones who did not choose me. I get to choose the people I want by my side, and those are only the ones who have truly been there for me, thick and thin. And maybe someday, if I have a child of my own, I will get the chance to fill that hole in my chart by being the best mother that I can possibly be, and providing familial love and support for that child for the REST of his/her life.
I will pray for you, and I believe you can find peace and happiness in your future. Never stop believing or loving yourself.

Wow, That was powerful and very humble, as it is exactly what I have myself came to realize, BUT 100% DO NOT GET IT AT ALL ....

my family have disownwed me due to the fact that i simply met and fell inlove with someone who is french canadian rather than a muslim. it's been a year now that i have not had any contact with any family members. as much as i still do my part to message them on birthdays and such, im cutting close to giving up on what i once had. my father also took the fact that, because i felt so iscolated in my family, (a fifth wheel), that i had a mental illness and threatened to tell my family and close friends to not talk to me, which to this day, i have not heard from a single soul. so now im considered unstable and mentally ill to all the people i've once knowns eyes. All i could really do is meet good, positive people, and move forward from this point on. although it's hard, it's something i dont have a choice on doing otherwise.

Yes this has happened to me recently.

I took my father to the Doctor and asked him to get some help with bullying me when my mother was dying so I could concentrate on caring for her.

His response was to tear up her will, twist what happened to make me look the bad guy, turn my family against me and stonewall me.

He's an basically alcoholic NPD...

You have my deepest sympathy it's a really tough place to be - I think it's the injustice of it all... that there was never a court hearing or something where you were allowed to tell your side of the story... of course your side isn't of any importance... it's all about your NPD... that's why it's all done behind closed doors

I think part of the reason people with NPD can do this to you is because they just don't know how to love - It's just all about power, pride, vanity and crap like that to them - It's really sad when you discover one of your parents is like that but I just have to laugh sometimes too - because they fooled me for so many years... I mean you probably always thought it was you that had a problem eh :)

I am so sorry for your loss, and the rejection is very painful. My family has always indicated that I was not wanted but in retrospect I was just the scapegoat for their own miserable feelings. It's hard to believe that there's nothing wrong with you when you are treated to all kinds of emotional abuse by those you trust and love! But such is real life.

Same here except still have my mom and grandma. at my dads funeral people kept telling me they didn't even know my dad had a daughter. I ave spent a year getting beyond these feelings. I have come to the conclusion that family is not always best to be around. Just move on and know your fiance loves you. Make babies when you are ready and start new family traditions. Enjoy what and who you do have instead of what and who you don't have and can't control. That's what I have learned.

This has happened to me. I went to see a Psychologist who gave me the tools to function. Overall, I just accepted that my family may never change and that I can't change them. Just as much as they cant change me. It does hurt but its out of my control. The word "family" is a fluid concept. Family for me is not only biological but it is my partner, freinds and people who care for me. Those people who care are significant in my life and therefore are part of my family unit.

I can acually relate, My family disowned me and theres not a day that goes by that it doesnt bother me . I'm 24 and 4 yr ago I got with my boyfriend which is my husband now. There is an age difference between him and I and they of course didn't approve and thought that I was making a big mistake , the quit talking to me didn't see me and haven't going on 5 yrs now. The sad thing is we live in the same town and I live close to them. My husband and I were pregnant when we first got together the first 5 months of our relationship. I ended up miscarrying and loosing our baby. It would have been my first . It was a very difficult time in my life . My family wasn't there for me when I needed them the most. If it hadn't been for my husband I don't know what I have done.Now today I have my husband and step son and my husbands family . My husband's family doesn't like me either and just put up with me cause I'm his wife. They never approved the relationship either because of the age difference . My family doesn't call or see me at all . The hardest part of the year is the holidays , when families are suppose to be together . It hurts every day and I pray that they come back in my life someday. No matter what Family should not turn their back on each other exspecially their kids .

I kind of had the same issue. About a year ago I got into a fist fight with my mother. I decided that day to go into a shelter with my five year old son. At the time I was dating my boyfriend who is now my fiancé. My family has not spoken to me since than. If it has anything to do with my son than she is concerned. She allows him to visit the family but doesn't invite me. She doesn't call or my father. None of my brothers or sisters will reach out to me. I feel so sad at times and sometimes I hate my mother for doing this to me. I can t take my son from the family he has only known so I allow him over there. When I take my son there my family wont even say Hi to me. I feel so mad and hurt.

My family was always close when I was growing up. The bad part about growing up is that I realized what they all really were about. As a child, I saw what I wanted to see. There was a sort of fairy tale image that I had of all of them. I miss it so bad now that I'm grown. I see the problems and the quarrels that go on all the time. What I don't see I hear about. Everyone has so much hate and there are so many burdens that they all choose to carry around with them rather than just letting things go. No one benefits from the burdens. It further hurts the person who carries it. My life is now also the center of a lot of the quarrels. They all disapprove of me and let me know it. What's harder is when they seem to understand me and show me kindness and to find out later that they are misleading or lying to me. I feel your pain and I'm so sorry that you have to feel the loss as you and I both do. All I can say is that there comes a time when you have to think about your own salvation with the Lord. If you are around people that act in this manner then they seem to be misled souls. I love the people in my family but I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they don't understand what hate is and how it will effect their eternity. I feel sorry that they are spending so much time hating instead of spending the few moments we have here on earth doing something much more meaningful. Pray for these people that are lost. I will pray for them and for you to find peace in your life. If that peace is with your soon to be husband then honor that and honor the marriage so that you may obtain that peace. I am sorry that you have to suffer like many of the rest of us do. This is one time when it doesn't make us feel better to know that we are not alone.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It has given me great comfort today. Here is my story.<br />
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My husband and I went into business partnership with two of my brothers. The partnership split up very quickly and very nastily. I stayed away from my other siblings so that the damage would be confined to the the four of us and they would not have to take sides. However, one of the partnership brothers spent several years telling his side of the story to anyone who would listen. When my family did make contact with me it was to tell me that I am unstable (I take anti-depressants) and 'addled' and that the partnership breakup was all my fault.<br />
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The worst thing is not being able to tell your side of the story. I have received vicious emails from my sister and all my siblings tell me to move forward. And I want to do just that. I need to let go and accept that they will only ever hear one side, that the family as it once was is gone and that whether it is unfair or not ,my approval and self esteem needs to come from me.<br />
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It was interesting to hear one of the stories above mentioning Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I had a friend tell me that she thought my brother had this disorder and at one point in our awful meetings I suggested he look it up.<br />
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I understand why my brother acted as he did, and I understand why family members can only see his point of view because they have not wanted to hear mine. The unfairness is hard to swallow. And I am sorry that my children don't have an extended family any more because it is just too awkward and tense. Anyway, bad things happen to lots of people and I have a lot to be thankful for. I will work on stopping the replay of events in my mind. Thanks to you all,

I have been treated the same way, in fact, when my dad died three years ago, my mom said the same thing to me, word for word. I wish I'd aborted you, etc. Since that time, I have had no contact with my family. Any of them. I do fine with that most of the year, since they're all very unstable. Child molesters, psychoses, you name it. <br />
The holidays always hit me hard. My husband loves me dearly, and he's wonderful, but he works nights, and most holidays, unless they fall on the weekends, so holidays are typically uncelebrated. It seems kind of silly to make a big dinner or go all out with traditions for<br />
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Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Up to this point, I felt like it was just me, and struggling not to be resentful of other people who come from "normal" homes with parents who love them. I never had that. In the end, I know this is my life and I need to embrace it, whatever it is lacking. But it isn't always easy.

yes my family has always wanted my support and love with not much in return or mostly being used up actually ,and they dont like talking to make it better too much and i never hear from them ,i have tried to taljk to my dad on several ocasions my mom diooesnt like it i said mom if 1 member in the family is hurting shouldnt everyone come together ,i said wheres the family loyalty ,she said there is none .and i got a divorce 3 yrs ago and my sister took sides with ex wife ,i called my sister for support on it she said i will never get any support ,i said ur going to say that to ur own brother ,so i hung up ,and now my ex wife is trying a game so i wont get my kids that long in the summer out oif spite ,and she called my mom to try to get her on her side ,and its more suffereing there really sick people here in my family ,and i wont hold them up to get there approval ,but i would be there for them if thery showed love and respect /support ,but they seem to like me to suffer ,especially the women in my family .its strange nbut i gues its there sickness

I am 17 and every single person in my family have dosowned me as well because I talked to a social worker about abuse that was taking place in the home. For years my mom would make things up about me to my older siblings (who live out of the house) and to other family members as well. I believe she did this for fear that I would speak up one day, and wanted to be ready with a large group of people if I did so. I have nobody left in my life, and am currently living in foster care while my family fights the court, telling them I'm a disturbed teen with a lying problem.

I wonder whether anyone here would offer me some support and/or advice.<br />
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I have bipolar disorder and PTSD. Eighteen years ago, I descended into a depression so deep that it took me eight years to climb out of it. (I would cycle into mania intermittently, but I was extremely depressed for a very, very long time.)<br />
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My brother knew of my diagnosis and did try to help. I'll give him that. Unfortunately, what he offered was not particularly helpful. He had me down to his house for about a week and was frustrated that I could not participate in going to bars and such. His wife thought my behavior was the height of discourtesy. My brother also lent me $4000, which I repayed after a very long time, but I repayed it: every cent.<br />
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I taxed my brother's patience and over a few months, I could no longer speak to him without his being extremely angry and dismissive. Then my brother's MIL got depressed and threatened suicide. I told my brother it was very serious and that they should get her to a doctor, but he said it was "bullshit talk." She suicided within a week or two.<br />
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In the interim, my brother had asked my sister to help. She did not; instead, she sent me a letter stating "I'm not going to become codependent with your problems" and also wrote that my diagnosis of bipolar disorder was wrong: all I needed to do was move out of NYC.<br />
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I called and wrote my uncle and aunt, who wrote that they did not believe I had depression, but that I should snap out of it and get back to work.<br />
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The result was as follows: I cut my aunt and uncle out of my life and also my sister. I would call my brother intermittently hoping for a positive response but all I got was avoidance and disgust.<br />
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The thing of it is that I know for certain my behavior while depressed and manic was awful. (I found out later, firsthand, when my husband got depressed for 18 months and he was awful to live with, although I took him all over creation to get him well, and eventually he did. The day I saw for certain he was recovering was the best day of my life, bar none).<br />
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So, OK. I was difficult and abusive while sick, but my family is just not giving me credit for my very epic efforts to recover my sanity and well-being. I apologized numerous times for my behavior at the time: my friends have told me not to worry about it but my family is not forgiving in the least.<br />
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My uncle called recently as my aunt had died. I did not want to go to the funeral but did so since it seemed the decent thing to do. Some weeks later, he told me over the telephone that I had been very mean to my aunt. I agree; I was, as I had brought something up to her while manic. So I wrote my uncle immediately with a very heartfelt apology and an explanation of what bipolar disorder feels like to family members.<br />
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He did not respond, so I called. He then sent me an email saying "I read them and discarded them and considered the matter closed and forgotten. Hope you understand, and also consider the matter closed and forgotten."<br />
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Meanwhile, I see a friend who has a schizophrenic brother and who would give anything to see him take his medicine and go to therapy and who loves him nonetheless. I see my husband who discounts anything I do while manic and encourages me and is proud of my efforts. I see myself, who dealt with a husband who was abusive while depressed and I see my efforts and support to get him better and my admiration of his triumph over huge adversity.<br />
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In my mind, I suppose I understand that my family are being unreasonable and harboring resentments for things that were out of my control. Still, it hurts a lot to have been disowned by everyone. It hurts a lot. I need to get past the hurt and I hope people here will have comments that will help me.<br />
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Thanks so much for reading about my troubles and god bless.

oh sweety...its heartbreaking story.....plz dont lose heart...hugs

My bestfriend sent me this note: There comes a point in your life when you realize ... There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.<br />
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My dad died in June and he was the one person who could the women in our family "behave and be nice" to eachother. Now that he is gone, my sister and my mother have ganged up on me and are VICIOUS. I found out yesterday that they all got together for Thanksgiving and I had to found out thru a distant relative, by accident. This Thanksgiving was literally 10 miles from my home. So I sat alone and not one word from them.<br />
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Alot of the stories I hear about being "disowned", etc. comes (IMO) from having at least one parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That would be my Mom. My sis is bipolar and borderline personality. SO much of this is mental illness. This is the true tragedy of OUR lives, that we are burdened with being the normal ones, the ones with feelings and normal thoughts.<br />
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"When God tkaes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.":

My advice: Take heart. I know what it is when everyone in a family participated in a lie - kind of like a family "trance". It's phenonemal. By the way, congratulations on your engagement. Build your own family (with supportive, loving people who are there for you). I know how it feels to feel so alone - when your family has "rejected" you - but try to realize that mentally/emotionally well people don't do that. Yoou are right. It is a devastating loss. Get as much support as you can - where ever you can - a pastor, a counselor, friends, this internet space. Make yourself a soft little nest filled with beauty and love - and keep the poisons and toxins out - you don't need that. And thank you for sharing your story. It helped me tonight - when I was feeling particularly alone with my own sad family situation - to realize that I am not alone. That families go through "stuff" - sometimes messy, ugly, dysfunctional, really crazy stuff - but somehow - amazingly - people make it through. I think "telling your own story" is very important and can be very healing. So find those places and people that are safe and nurturing and empathetic and compassionate and warm and fuzzy - and take refuge in their open arms and hearts - for as long as it takes - till you feel stronger and safer - and loved. Allow yourself happiness. You deserve it. Everyone deserves it. <br />
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I am also coping with being "disowned" by my family (mostly my father at this point) for no real reason. It's a complex family situation - but I have done nothing wrong - and nothing to deserve his wrath. In fact, I have been a devoted daughter my entire life - caring for my family through sickness and health and crisis after crisis. I have made sure that my parents have had beautiful holidays and birthdays and anniversaries - including their 50th anniversary - which my siblings basically refused to participate in - who really knows why? Basically, my father disowned me because I talked to a social worker about problems with the administering of medications in the household that I had concerns about - real safety issues concerning my mother's life and well being, as an addicted to prescription pills sibling who lives with them has been less than careful giving & taking her pills. The social worker was concerned enough and apparently called adult protection, and they interviewed my father - and he accused me of calling them - and I told him I had talked to the social worker (I had tried to talk to him and other family members about my concerns numerous times, only to be responded to with hostility and avoidance) - and I guess he thought this was the ultimate betrayal - and now he has told numerous people he never wants me in his house again (he has chased me out of his house) - and he has called me names and threatened me with physical harm, and told me to "never do anything nice for him again" (which should not be a surprise - because I have never done anything but nice things for him in my entire life) - and even told me not to come to his funeral.<br />
He's 81. My mother is 82. I don't know if I'll ever see them again and my heart is broken. I have taken care of them for years and years, as well as my "sick" sibling - but no one in my family will stand up for me. I have been at their side non-stop through hospital stays (a year and a half ago I dropped out of graduate school & work to stay at my father's side for three months after he fell and had a devastating injury. No one else in my family did. When I called my other siblings and begged them to come - they put it off for a month. Later one sister accused me of trying to be a martyr by staying with my father during that time. He was in intensive care most of that time with internal bleeding and went from 160 lbs to about 110 lbs. At any rate, I recently read about narcisstic personality disorder - and the accompanying narcisstic rages that follow this disorder (in the DSM-IV) - and the description fits my father to a "T". The description of histrionic personality disorder fits my mother. My addicted sibling has polysubstance abuse. I don't know about my other siblings. I do know that I'm trying to resist the temptation to "buy in" to the hatefulness and rejection my father has heaped upon me - as well as the rest of my family. It's very challenging - because my thoughts keep going back to how unfair and cruel the situation is . . . and how hurt I feel - and even vengeful little fantasies sometimes about how would they feel if I was sick or dead - but I know that this thinking is so useless and unproductive and sick itself (even if understandable in this situation) - and I want to remain as well physically and mentally and emotionally as possible - because I can't bear the thought of treating anyone else so horribly as I have been treated - not even to "them" - I am doing a lot of nurturing things for myself - as much as I am able during this painful time (though sometimes I punish myself - with getting down on myself - because if everybody else is - I must deserve it, right?) But I know in my heart - they fear me because I have chosen to go down a healthier, happier path - and I work very hard to have compassion for them in "their" suffering - because they (especially my father) is so angry that he has denied himself the love and devotion of a daughter who would do anything for him - except, that is, to accept his abuse and to feel guilty for trying to protect her family - mother, father, and siblings alike. I have two grown loving children and a loving husband for whom I am infinitely grateful - and I want to remain strong and steady and accessible for them. I have a small circle of wonderful and loving friends. Still - every day and every hour is a challenge for me. I keep going back to the pain - and wanting so much - the love that perhaps he never had for me - and most probably - never had the capacity for to begin with. I am trying to let go of my illusions - my daydreams about what I wanted to believe was true - and to accept the hard, sad reality - and to find some measure of comfort in finally knowing and accepting the truth - and the freedom that can hopefully someday bring. I am trying to keep my parents and family in my prayers - and to accept that it seems at this point that this situation will never be resolved - and that I must find and create whatever peace I desire in my own life and my own heart. <br />
I have worked for many years advocating for children and families in my work. This situation makes me more dedicated to serving and giving to those who want my love and help and support. I want to be a good person, a good daughter, a good spouse and mother and friend. I think I realize now - that I am. And despite all indications to the contrary - I want to believe that my father is a good person, father, and friend - but that he is simply "not in his right mind" at this time, and perhaps for his whole life. I love him - but know that he cannot accept or feel my love - because his own heart is so clouded with anger and delusion and pain. Every day, I am walking a tightrope - between my own sanity and stability - and falling into states of desperation and grief and instability over this situation. I read today, on a Buddhist website, something like, "you know you have awakened when you are no longer suffering." I have moments, wonderful lovely moments - enjoying sweet little birds outside my window - or seeing a young child tell another a gentle secret in her hear - or watching my own family (husband and sons) relax and laugh with each other . . . so these moments of delight I treasure as moments of my own awakening - when I can just breathe in their beauty and simplicity. I guess I just need to come to terms with the reality - that I am in the process of "awakening" - and given the circumstances, it is not so unexpected that I would succumb to suffering and grieving - but I need to remember . . . I don't have to. I can "change my mind" and let my heart and soul sing - despite the desires of others to crush me and destroy me and my spirit.<br />
I haven't articulated my pain and struggle and working towards healing before. Thank you for allowing me to ramble on and get some of these thoughts out of my system. For tonight, I think it has helped a bit. Please keep me - and my family, in your prayers.