Totally Alone In The World

First let me say this isn't intended as a pity party. I just have to know if there are others out there like me. Let me start. I grew up in a dysfunctional and abusive family. I have had both emotional and physical scars from that time. A secret I kept from everyone until I was about 23 and moved to California. I left the house when I was 18 and never looked back. It was always expected from as far back as I can remember to have 2 faces. The one you show in public (happy, smiling, full of life and love) and the one you have when you are alone (doubtful, scared, vulnerable). In my household it was just my mother and I. She was a survivor of childhood abuse from her family that left her with permanent brain damage (in the form of epilepsy) and an extremely violent temper (that would have sent me to the hospital but no one ever called). She had a very low tolerance for imperfection and I was the daughter that was always all thumbs around her. Most of her out bursts left me with permanent scars (inside and out), joint damage, and a back injury. I knew I didn't want to live like that, so I used college as a way to get escape. She has always told me that when I turned 18 she didn't care if I graduated or not, she just wanted me gone. So that is what I did. I haven't been back since. She has contacted me from time to time, but it's only to bring me down. I stop taking those calls after a while. So the harassment stopped for a while. Then some jackass showed her how to text message. Damn that person.

It's weird because even though my brain knows that she will never change, my heart still longs for a feeling that I missed out on. A sense of a family. I never really had that. I don't have a single picture of me with family or even a single picture of my mother. I only have 3 pictures of me during my childhood years. Again, this is not a pity party. I just needed to give some background. I have never let my childhood stand in the way of accomplishing goals. I graduated from college I work in a lab and have been promoted to supervisor. When people meet me, they have no idea that I had a horrible childhood because (as I was well trained) I am always the life of the party. This has left me with in a weird position in life. I had a horrible up bring, but never once strayed from the straight and narrow. Never did neither drugs nor alcohol nor was promiscuous. This seems like the exact opposite of many that survived this severe of abuse. I just saw what I didn't want to be and never lived my life like that. Although I am a normal functioning member of society, I still feel like I live outside the glass snow globe. I feel like I have my face pressed against the glass and am watching everyone live their lives. Many of the conversations I can't participate in like funny things my mom, dad, sister, brother, etc... said or did. I don't even have an emergency contact. And dating has been a joke. I was never taught body language of the opposite sex so I have never understood the rules of flirting or even picking up signals.  And it doesn't help that I now live in Los Angeles.  For anyone who doesn't know what that means, most people here only judge others based solely on their stereotype (as I had to find out the hard way).  So since I am black, it makes dating here impossible.

Living outside the glass snow globe also means you don't have anyone who understands. I don't talk about this often, because most of the people I know never had to deal with abuse. The few times I do, the only thing they would say is "Don't worry, you will find a great guy someday". Don't get me wrong, I do want that. Yes, it would be nice to find someone that makes me feel special, since I've never experienced that before growing up. But this is way deeper than that. I've never had a birthday party.  I don't know what it is like to have a holiday with family.  Sure people invite for their family functions, but that only feel worse because I am only an observer watching someone else’s family traditions.  While the people who invite me are patting themselves on the back for do their good deed of the day, I am left wondering what is worse.  Spending a holiday alone or being somewhere that is a constant reminder of what I have never had. 

Most important, I would like to know that there is someone, anyone out there that knows how this feels. How did you move inside the glass snow globe to join everyone else? I just want to know I'm not alone in this. I even went to therapy, but that was a bust. I'm not depressed.  The therapist said that there is nothing wrong with me, which I already knew. In fact, she seemed to be in awe on how functional I was based on the stories I told. So that brings me back to this post. Does anyone out there understand what it is like to live outside the glass snow globes?

Thanks for listening,
Outsider

apminnie apminnie
31-35, F
85 Responses Jul 4, 2011

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I completely understand what it's like to live outside the glass snow globe.

I've been invited to several family functions with friends, but I always refuse. My family was really abusive as well, and I've found I'm happier without their toxicity and cruelty in my life. I haven't spoken with them in what feels like an eternity. Last I saw them they crashed at my house unexpected at 1 a.m. on vacation high as kites, and left the next morning. They don't know my current address, and I no longer speak with any of my family members, (and I've kept it that way, I'm not here for their amusement or abuse anymore).

It sounds like you've really worked to build a life for yourself. I'm doing the same. A college degree, a full time job, working on a graduate program, and engaging in hobby's I was always discouraged in when I was younger.

Life is too short to feel like we're constantly missing out. We're not. What were our alternatives? Be with toxic people that hurt us? That isn't what family is.

It may help to embrace what interests you, find a focus that you love that you can feel goodness from. Take up belly dancing, playing mandolin, book clubs, a new certification, volunteer work, or degree, anything to stay busy and focused on positive things that make you happy and give you self esteem and encouragement.

We're still outside looking in, but it makes it much less cold out here to find like minded people in community activities in which we share an interest.

One thing that has helped me greatly is finding spirituality like Buddhism that practices detachment and meditation. And there's also no Easter, Christmas, ect. to feel sad about! :)

Many people fall apart without support, I think it speaks greatly of our characters to be able to persevere. There is nothing wrong with any of us.

Much love and best wishes, and just know, no you are not at all alone in living outside the snow globe <3 <3 <3

It seems that maybe I am not alone in the world after all.
So, many fake smiles and laughs but even more scars that are becoming harder and harder to to hide or push the feelings back down deep within myself as I grow older. We all know right from wrong but when one is never provided a proper chance to develop and succeed we sit here middle aged and in crisis wondering whats it all for! My heart truly goes out to each and everyone in the world that has had to endure this type of life.
We only have on life and I feel I wasted mine. I know I could have been something if I only had a chance when I was young, instead I got a slap and a bag of dope and told to go earn my keep.
Makes me wonder how many lives I've helped to destroy myself!
Lost!

Hey! I hope you get to read this!

Im in awe reasing an art

HEy i hope you get to read this! Im in awe finding someone in this world who has gone through the same things as i have. Would you believe that im a physician now? Living two worlds. One is a stable doctor facing my patients and when im alone, a numb person. I grew up being beaten up as well. Lets not een talk about it. My mom is an emotional wreck. My 4 siblings estranged with one another. Seriously im also alone. None of my friends know what im really going through so i feel that i have no one. Im 27 now. And its been a year since i left home and cut ties. Nothing changes back at home, still the same horrific cycle. So i choose to leave, even if it means being all by myself. Im glad knowing you. Someone like me, who refuae the miserable lifw. Thank you. Ihope to meet you someday

I can relate to you. Although I grew up in a big family with both parents, a brother and a sister and lots of aunts and uncles..I am a single mom with zero connections today. I always knew growing up that I did not fit in. My mother had resent towards me from an early age, my father was an abuse addict and my siblings knew how to play the game. I was always excluded, abused, neglected. I hated being there. I couldn't wait to get away. So at 14, I met a guy that was going to rescue me. The only problem..he was just like my father. So two kids and 4 years later, I went back home to my family. Now I really didn't fit in. I was a loser. No education, no job..just extra mouths to feed. I should have gotten away from them, permanently..but I didn't know how to walk away from them. Their opinions of me mattered. I mean, GOD says not to sway from family..right? (That's what I grew up hearing) So after years and years of continued disrespect, 2 more failed relationships and 2 more children later, my boys are now both in prison, my oldest daughter a struggling single mom and my youngest a very sweet 6 year old..I finally moved away. I packed my things and moved 800 miles away. I am in a new town with a fresh start, however..I'm still the same insecure 14 year old who is seeking approval from someone. It's awful. I have no connections, no friends just me and my daughter. She has no family here. We have no one but each other. It's very hard to open up to others. I feel like I'm permanently flawed and no one can or will accept me for me. Luckily I found your story and many others who have similar issues as myself. I feel hopeful. I'm glad you shared your story and I hope we can stay in touch!!

Stay strong for me and I'll strong for you.

I do. i understand. I felt that way for years during middle school, high school and during my first few years of college. I had a double life as well. I would smile, encourage people and be overall good company. That is, until people wanted to know more about me. I was a bit of a shut in who loved people. I didn't do drugs, smoke, etc. I was nice to people. But there was something off about me. I just felt like I wasn't experiencing life like other people, like I was looking from the outside always. Well, I broke free from that by channeling my inner me. I looked to expressing myself more. I think the reason we actually view life from a snow globe is actually in self-defense. If you were to engage more with others, you're putting yourself in danger. Your family has already failed you. How devastating would it be to have friends and the public fail you? Probably 1000x more devastating because now, you have nothing else to fall back on. You have no where to go. You'd probably kill yourself. To me, I see it this way. We have a home life and we have a public life. Your home life will NEVER get better. By looking through a snow globe, your public life will NEVER be bad and you will be ok. If you engage, you risk getting hurt and having both a BAD home and public life. Then, then you're in real trouble because you have no where to turn. Until you find someone that loves you completely or a group of friends that you can trust 1000 percent, continue living in the snow globe, and gradually and experimentally let go bit by bit, so you can experience what others experience. Until then, I think you're a smart girl for looking through the snow globe.

Your not alone I feel your pain it's a strange feeling sometimes to look back and think all this happened to me but I'm still here I'm a survivor of abuse...I was abused by my mother she beat me as a child and also as an adult for a brief period I cut all ties with her she is dead to me it's been four years since I cut her out I'm a lot happier now I have peace something that I never had before ..my father passed away when I was a child and my grandmother sort of raised me I no longer talk to her because the pycho lives with her so the only family I have now is the one I created my husband and my son who is my very heart I'm sometimes in a down mood because let's face it I have post tramatic stress from the past but I look now to the future and I try not to dwell on the past which is gone and done.
I can say that I feel like I'm healing slowly and my husband and son give me a lot of strength to push forward. ..God will always have something good saved for people like us I know that to be true 100% ♡...have faith and hope that life unfolds in a brighter way when you least expect it take care

This was written so long ago. I am in much the same situation. I have kids though and, I guess, because I didn't share the extent of my abuse with my oldest, he has no idea how hurt I am that he has cut himself out of my life and my grand child. I have cut him out now because he "given me space" of 2 years...how old my grand child is. He is ashamed of me because I have uni-polar depression and am not able to keep a job. I have a friend that has been though the same or very similar circumstances, except for the complete abandonment. and she has her kids, her sisters, brothers even her mom (whom she has been able to forgive) and when I go over there it is really hard knowing that I will be going home to myself.

I just saw this and your not alone what's worse I had a foster family that's I still feel like I am really have never been apart of 😒

Thanks for your reply. I notice that you are a lot younger than I so you have some time to work it all out. I wish you luck. Let's keep in touch. I will say that I'm a little disappointed with this board in that there is very little activity these days it may be dying. I would like to see more activity and discussion.

I am the same. I need to be alone. I'm happy alone. Yes I need people but not very much. I'm into my mind more than most and I'm happy there. I think of it in some ways like meditation. meditation is essentially a solo process, that achieves serenity. That's where I feel i am. My only problem is how to get a ride from the doctor when I need a procedure done.

Yes I am like you and I fully understand how you feel x

I too have very little family support. I have alot of stress in my life but my family does not seem to want to hear my problems. It is hard because when I need them the most they are not there. I feel like I have to pretend everything is okay all the time when it isn't. It is a very lonely existance. I feel for you and hope that you are finding some of the support you need here. Best wishes.

Accept the earth as your mother and the heavens as your father. Friends are brothers & sisters (even co workers). Have pets to raise from a baby. Garden. Exercise. Good hygiene, rest & healthy eating. Take scenic trips. Bask in open waters. Have hobbies. This is what keeps me going, create a purpose and peace for yourself. Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can - for YOU.

You are Not alone!!!

Yes, I can relate to your past. I, also feel alone in this world. However, mine is a little worse than yours.
I was adopted at birth, and boy that was rough. Adopted father died when I was 14. Which left me with an alcoholic adopted mother. I never knew what I would come home to.
I have had my highs and lows throughout life itself. Right now I am in a low. And yes I know all about living the 2 face life.
I am at a point now where my children are adults . In college and we can't communicate. And they are the only ones that I know is a part of me.
Therefore, I truly understand your pain. And it is hard to talk to others because they truly don't understand. I stay to myself. I have a hard time dealing socially with others because I'm more peaceful alone, but I do not like it.
I to left the nest around 20. Not looking back. To entirely new city. And I have try to take to other about it. But, they don't understand. I can it in them when I talk about this. .
Im now 52 and I still feel pain of loneliness. I would like to hear more from you.

Yours Truly,
With Respect

WOW I am astounded by the strength in this forum, I too totally relate to the stories here, but what strikes me is the strength it takes (even though it doesn't feel like we are all strong) but we ARE, to have gotten through all this in life!! And to still be here, on this day, still carrying much of the burden. I think seeing that perspective is so important, each and every person has battled through wars that many would never understand.. and it doesn't matter HOW you come through it, what condition you are in on the other side.. just that you GOT there! I am so touched and have so much respect and admiration for all of you here, its is truly inspirational to know how much the human spirit can endure but still keep going, keep reaching out to others through sites like this to offer support to OTHERS ..you would think logically after all we've had taken from us we wouldn't have anything to give, but we do, we then show support for others!!! Its taken me a time to see the gifts in every single thing that has happened.. but they are there,the worst of times brings the greatest of gifts.. its just realising that but the more I looked the more I saw them. I just want to say thank you to everyone here for sharing for keeping on going for being inspirations to me and I'm sure to people you wouldn't even realise and I know from experience it doesn't make sense for a long time, but when it all does, you actually get to a point where look back and think.. wow it sounds crazy but I wouldn't change it..sending BIG hugs to everyone here, you are survivors and you are amazing xxxxx

Love this post. Really inspiring. Feeling down about a situation but after reading that I still think that there is hope. Hope things can change and will change. Xxxx

I am 26 years old and I have a very similar background. I still haven't quite found my way inside the globe, but I am working on it. I have a one year old son from a failed "almost marriage". One of the hardest things I've dealt with, as a repercussion of my past, was coming to a point where I was part of a functional family, then being left. I am not depressed, just trying to readjust to the position I was originally dealt in life. I randomly started browsing the Internet in search of advice, or just to know I wasn't the only one. This was very comforting for me to read and I really appreciate you taking the time to post it.

I am in awe of your message and i can totally relate on so many levels. I often have wondered how others without family get through trivial matters and celebrate harmonious accomplishments and functions. I have no parents (never met my dad and was a ward of the court due to abuse/neglect from my mother. Grew up in numerous foster homes). At 40 years old, I am a professional at hospice and have a master's degree. Accomplished in life, yet yearn for the sense of family that I have truly never known as the common nuclear existence.
I have grieved this my entire life, especially during down and particularly uo times.

Thank you for sharing...you are not alone. And, in an unexplainable way, it is comforting to know your story.

can i ask you how did you go through all those years alone cuz from where i see it it's so difficult, 19 years old only child living with my mother never seen my father nor did anyone cared for me enough to represent a father figure and i just feel so bad all the time when i see someone talking to his father or siblings i just get heart broken i didn't care when i was younger because i felt bad for some time but then i stopped because i thought not having a family is normal until now all those feelings of pain and depression are coming back and even stronger, i just don't know how to carry on without any love or care from another human being

Hiya, it's 7.30 am, Sunday morning, and I am feeling the same feelings, dread, pressure, sadness, loneliness, always the same thoughts, whilst my 2 children sleep. I came from being sexually abused, by my father and older brother, aged 3 is my earliest memory, beaten by both parents, bullied continually by my siblings. I was the runt of our family, I was the one that all the families dysfunctional kites were taken out on. I was locked continually in a completely dark, stone cellar, throughout my childhood, I was told that I was, dirty, unholy, I was brought up strict Muslim. I watched my father burn my mother, I watched him , beat the crap out of my mum, I was broken from the start. I chose drugs, the dance scene, promiscuity, abortions, heroin , crack, deep down, I look back and see just a child as I look at my 2 children now, who are stable, funny, kind, annoying, as teenagers are!!!
I v done therapy , anti depressants, joined a cult, where again I was exploited, then demonized and isolated as I questioned, always trying to fit in, even now , aged 44, I still try friendships, try to fit in, but same feelings of desolation and isolation. But I still count myself lucky, I refuse to take anti depressants, or anything of the ilk, it's just a sticking plaster, I m stubborn, as I look around me, I see that actually I am ok, I am isolated, but there us much worse out there, happening right now as I type, I also suggest, as I tried so many many things throughout my life, that spirituality helps. I began to attend my Triratna Bhuddist Centre, in Manchester, over 2 years ago, on my own, wouldn't communicate with anyone, didn't want to, I would attend and go. It became like a drug to me, it works. Though I can't fix and replace those parts of me that are shattered, I have other parts that I m working on. Seriously all you people out there, you speak to me. Loving kindness, to myself, is where it began and begins. Love you

Lots of love I truly relate to you. Love you too.

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Hi - I completely understand what you feel and have gone through. As I read your post it is so much as mine. I too was brought up in an abusive household and left at an early age in order to get out of the negative downfall. I was sexually abused by my mothers husband and when I told my mother she didn't believe me. On top of her never really expressing any maternal affection, having me be responsible for all the household chores as the oldest child, when she didn't even listen to my concerns I felt so hurt & emotionally empty. I no longer speak to my mother by choice as well as most of the rest of the family. It's a very lonely world in my bubble....I also have been through two divorces and had to raise my 21 yr old alone. I had a great relationship with my daughter as she grew up because I always wanted to make sure she knew she was loved. Now that she is an adult going to college the relationship has a bit of a distance. It hurts so much because I pray that we don't end up as me and my mother. As an empty nester with no family and only one best friend my days are filled with a lot of loneliness especially on the weekend. I have a decent career which makes enjoying life feasible but when you have to do it alone its not fun. I am dating someone at the moment but it goes through its strains because I am so needy of attention and affection it turns him away. I also wonder if I will ever find that someone that will completely understand me and can withstand the connection with me for more than a minute. Again I feel your pain and struggles, I also find it hard speaking about my struggles because I don't want a pity party either....I just want and need that special connection I find so hard to hold within myself and others.
Thanks for listening & I pray you find comfort as well.

Even to read those words "I have no family support" is painful, but real. I lost my mom when I was 13, my parents were divorced and no one in my family wanted to take me so I ended up in foster care. At the time you think what gets worse than losing your mother? Well, having no support from my family was worse. I dont know how some people (my family) could be so cold...I went bouncing around from one dysfunctional family to the next. After I graduated high school, I had my first apartment and many jobs to make ends meet. I knew I didnt have anyone to fall back on but me...But then Aug 25, 2003, when I didnt think it could get worse my brother died of an overdose. It shattered me. Again, no support from my family...I am 36 now, not married, no boyfriend, and you guessed it no family...I guess, getting older widens the magnitude of having no family. Its the hardest thing in the world to feel so alone. I feel everyone's pain on here...<3

Yes, I completely and totally feel your pain. You are not alone. I grew up in a family that was the four of them and me. I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused separate from my two brothers by both parents. The man I knew as my father tried to beat me to death at age four. Even though I didn't remember, it manifested itself in intense fear of men, all men. My mother spent my childhood reminding me that I was just average, my brother was the smart one. She was always saying mean jealous things to me. She was just completely flat, no real emotion, even when she watched me getting beat up for no reason. She told me as an adult that she has no ability to empathize. I was asked to leave right after gradation high school. I went to college to escape and nearly starved to death. I was finally told at age 30 who my biological father was. We met and attempted to have a relationship. Unfortunately, that man thinks he can say or do no wrong. No discusson, just tear into me for his lack of a memory or such thing. He wrote me a letter for my birthday saying he no longer wanted to have any sort of a relationship with me. I walked away from everyone to try to protect and get to know myself. It's reassuring to know, I'm not alone. I've also had no successful relationships with men. I hope I can tackle that issue at some point in my life, but truly, I'm out of hope on that one.

I'm so sorry you don't deserve that. Lots of love...

I know exactly how you feel! My life is pretty much exactly like the life you have, and the life you had growing up. I'm so happy I found this. Except. I'm very depressed. Going through another bad break up, with a child. Have no where to go. And we have till November to be out. My child's father says so. So I don't know what I'm going to do, having no family. I was taken away to foster care at 14. I'm the black sheep of the family because my parents never get along with their family's. So it's still an every day struggle for me.

Outsider, you and I have very similar stories...and your description of having your face pressed inside the snow globe to feel like you are part of the "normal" world is really powerful. Yes, I understand and although I haven't figured everything out, at 46 I talk about it! When people talk about their families I tell them how terrific it sounds and how lucky they are and then, if its safe, I tell then about my life....how it's different, sometimes lonely, but how it allows me the freedom to create my own family. I also talk about how I hate to feel defensive, as if being without family was somehow a shortcoming or fault of mine. I work hard not to personalize my cruel family that doesn't love or support me...it's not about me. I have been happily married to another person who now no longer has any family but me, and this little family certainly helps, but our lives are ours. Unique, sometimes lonely, but they leave us possibilities that others don't have! We can build our own families with friends and dogs and cats and community organizations! Is it perfect, no. But like everything else it's how you own it. Platitudes, I know. But you are certainly not alone!

Yes. I do understand. When I put into the Google search "when you have no family" Your story popped up, and, after reading it, many of the emotions you shared are famliar and real to me because I feel the same way. I guess, we are not as unique as we think, there are many of us out there in the world. I'm in New York! Keep Smiling and I'll keep smiling and we'll keep making the world a better place, okay. Do you love thrift stores too?

Hi,

I feel alot more at ease, thank god i am not the only one who feels like this. I feel totally alone, i wasnt born in this country so when i moved here with my mum and dad, they were the only family i had. My mum and dad divorced when i was 14 however, and i havent spoke to my dad much since because he doesnt want anything to do with me. My mum however has always abused alcohol and i was always the one getting the backlash for it, i had a traumatic upbringing, my mum would be drunk most of the weeks and would take it out on me physically and emotionally. So when she split up with my dad she became extremely mentally ill. She isolated herself from the world, stopped going out, talking to anyone. She has no friends no boyfriend, she says she doesnt want contact with anyone else and sges stopped working. We still live together but we dont speak. She makes me feel depressed, i feel like i dont know her, like she has become this completely different person and its probably because i resent her for everything shes done. I cant stand living with her, she demands money off me and i have a full time job and she doesnt, she upsets me when shes always paranoid and worried and she threatens me sometimes, shes kicked me out before because i couldnt afford to pay her as much as shes wanted me to, eventhough ive tried to make her proud all my life. I went through school, college, uni and now have a full time job. And i still feel like in some way shes just trying to drain the life out of me, she just wont leave me alone and let me live my life and i dont know what to do. I know im not exactly alone, but i feel like i cant talk to her at all, like we are two different species. I have a few friends but they live their own life now, but yeah anyone experienced something similar?

Thanks

Thank you so much for your stoy. I am not doing well right now and have to tough it out b/c I have a son. I know having a son might seem like I am not alone, but right now it is making me feel worse (I feel like it is hard to give when I am emotionally fried). I have parents who have a lot of money and resources but who really do not do anything to help. It makes it worse. I wish I did not even know my family. The relationship is so hollow; it is heartbreaking. I found so much relief in your story, b/c I always feel like I am the only one who has a mother who did not want me. I went to boarding school at age 16. I am 41, still have not gotten over this. You're not alone. xo

Hello, I read your story and I know how you feel. I am a single mom living in Ohio and my parents and sister in Chicago. I feel alone, and depressed sometimes and always working and not enjoying life at all. I have no time for my daughter who is now 10. I feel I have not spent enough time before and now with her and am not able to give her a good life that any kid deserves. So much to say and talk about that it is too much for my mind and head. Like you said "Fried." Nothing but games and drama with my parents who are well off also and don't know if they are doing a tough love thing and trying to force me to give up out here in Ohio to back to Chicago with them which would not be good. I am 46 yrs. old and having problems with parents and feeling much anger, resentment and as if they don't care at all. I can totally relate and I hope that you stay strong and I keep looking up to God to help me get through the week, actually days, sometimes nights. God bless and stay strong girl. You are loved.

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I understand , similar upbringing. You describe it perfectly. I am married and have four children but I'm still very detached. I have no one to call on the rough days and the one thing that has happened is a bad choice in a partner. That's where I have failed myself. I'm still alone. I have children but the love I'm missing is something different.

There with you. I have always been the outsider growing up, I couldn't understand why or put my finger on it exactly. It has effected who I am and how I feel today. It wasn't until just a couple of years ago I came across something and read of the narcissistic family profile.. and there it was. Me being the 'scapegoat' child. Seeing this is all a real thing and not just something in my head (as they'd have me believe) has helped me enormously to handle myself and set boundries with people but I still feel alone in myself. Like nobody 'gets' me but God. Who'm I did find early in my life as I did turn to substance abuse and (accidently) almost cut my time short on this earth. I no longer do drugs/drink and have a family of my own that I adore and swear my children will never know the loneliness that I have experienced or feel as unloved as I have felt, but instead my children will have what I did not and grow up to feel good about themselves and be strong in confidence and love for themselves. They have my undivided attention, love, support and time. They will be raised in a loving supportive family that encourages them to be friends with one another and not turn them against each other. Some good shall come out of the bad that I have known.

OMG. I thought I was the only one!! I can relate to every single post here. I spent my childhood being thrown from person to person, always having to come up with some new identity. I've then spent my whole adult life, moving to various places around the world, looking for somewhere to call home. Again, I also do not want pity from anyone and learnt from an early age how to change faces; scared on the inside, happy on the outside. It has ;however, come out a bit now that I'm in my thirties and have been working a few weeks with a therapist. This post though is the first time I've been able read others deascribing exactly how I feel! thanks for sharing everyone :-)

i understand, and i have no one to talk to about it, i have not one single connection with another human being, not one friend or acquaintance, and no one believes me, they say i exaggerate but i really don't have one single person with the slightest personal connection. I am always observing everyone else and even though i know how they all act and have good advice for other people i can't put it to use for my own life, so it kind of does feel like there's glass separating me and them, no matter how well i observe no amount of knowledge on how to act can make me a part of their worlds. its hard to get up every morning because i have nothing to look forward to, and i dread going to sleep every night because i'm still separated from the other people in my dreams, so there is no relief in dreaming. I just don't know how to change the way i'm living, other people drain my energy and socializing leaves me feeling worse than i did already.

I'm 22 and all my family are dead. wow, it sounds so blunt when I just say it like that lol.
my mum and dad died when I was 15 months old, I then went to go live with my grandad (on my mums side), he was an alcoholic, not abusive to me at all, but he just couldn't look after me (he died when I was 12). then I went to go live with my nan (my mums mum), her second husband and their daughter when I was three. everything was fine then. I mean, I still felt different to other kids because I didn't have anyone to call mum and dad, but I was happy with nanna and john. then when I was 14 my nan died of cancer. it was awful, she deteriorated so slowly until she couldn't speak, mover or do anything except lie in a hospital bed that we had in our living room. from then on things got really bad at home, their daughter started to hit me and john didn't care. it was like my nan was gone so therefore I was just a burden that wasn't anything to do with them. I got kicked out when I was 17 and bounced from friends house to friends house. I spoke to john once in 3 years and I found out when I was 20 that he had died. I went to the funeral and was treated like he wasn't my father. I know he technically wasn't but he was the only father figure I'd ever had. now I'm 22 and I still haven't dealt with any of my feelings. having literally no family sucks to be honest. people my age always have their parents/ family members to help them when things are going bad and I have no one. it is hard when I just sit here thinking about the fact that everyone I have ever loved is dead and I am alone in the world. I think it is a lot to deal with for a 22 year old, or anyone at any age to be fair. obviously no one my age has any idea what I've been/ am going through. I mean, it hard for normal people who have had a mum and/or a dad for all their lives, who are used to having family and knowing that their always there for them. the feeling of being totally alone is just so overwhelming sometimes...and talking about it is hard, you know? you don't want to come across as you're looking for sympathy and you don't want people sympathy. I think all I want is for someone to acknowledge that what I've been through is ******* awful and that I've done really well considering. you know when people ask you 'if you could have one thing what would it be?' I've always said I just want to be happy. but I think everything I've been through has just doomed me to be miserable for the rest of my life

Hi, I wanted to reach out and let you know how moved I am by your story. My father was an abuser. He abused my mother into a deep clinical depression. He died. Then she died. My two sisters and brother live in lala land. When we did talk, many years ago, they resisted discussing anything negative about our family life. I suppose they are frightened they would break.
I only the other hand, sought therapy, etc. For this reason they alienated me. I live everyday wondering what it would be like to have support. Things like have an emergency contact for an emergency would be amazing.
I recently text my sister to tell her I was in the hospital and nothing back. When I ask her why she chose to alienate me she makes up stories about how I stole something of hers when were were little. I once asked her why do you really hate me? Her response was I have a boyfriend and family now, so I don't really want to have anything to do with my original family.
No one believes me when I tell them I am totally alone in the world. I mean, to be honest, I find it difficult to believe myself. The worst is when people tell me "Everybody needs somebody."
I am so sad most of the time. I like being alone because it gives me freedom. I love rescuing animals. But being alone in the world is a tough pill to shallow.
That said, I am going to write something. And when I am successful, I am certain my wormy little family members will try to get into my life. In the meantime, I am thinking of changing my last name.

I have no family. It's not that I'm estranged from them, but that I have none. The people who adopted me were not terrible (just some minor neglect and abuse), but anyhow, they're dead now. I have no siblings, adopted or natural. I am divorced, and I have no children. I'm nearly 40 years old, and I have never wanted children. I have returned to the country I was born in, but have no hope of ever finding any relatives. I have been trying to find others in a similar situation. Not estranged from family and relatives, but literally with none.

I understand

In the same boat here. My early childhood was actually pretty good. My adopted parents were fiesty and had issues getting along. But they were financially irresponsible. During my teens we were homeless for a couple of years. My mom has bipolar disorder so her personality would switch around a lot. My dad was kind to me but he was an alcoholic. He passed away a couple of years ago due to health problems and my mom is in assisted living on the other side of the state because she can't live alone. Currently my only family is my 10 year old daughter. Even she has her own extended family on the paternal side, but they exclude me and only focus on her which I don't mind. I'm glad she's loved. With no connections to my biological family (they wanted zero contact permanently) and adopted extended family (parents estranged themselves from them. Plus they never considered me as their family because of lack of genetic relation. I've never met any of them in person) I'm alone. I've work aquaintences and a boyfriend of 2.5 years. He keeps his own family affairs to himself. My daughter and I aren't included. "Why would you want to come with me and my son to visit my parents? You're not family."
So yeah... This happens to folks who don't plan very far ahead.

I am and always have been an outsider to "family" because both my parents were children themselves and had mental disorders. I am also an only child. My extended families already felt the burden of my parents, so it was implicit that my problems weren't welcome. I dealt with this neglect, bordering on rejection, by just leaving everyone behind as soon as I could, around 19/20 years old. Since then, I have had relatively little contact with my family. In 2011, my father died and just a month and a half ago, my mother died. I'm not married, nor do I have children. Sure, my extended families feel sorry for me but they have their own lives of which I am not a part, due to geography and lack of history for so many years. The difficulty is that I am 36 and people still want to "adopt" me, but they can't know the pain that those words cause, though I never hold their sentiment against them. Every time someone mentions accepting me into their family, they don't really know what that means to me and they never could do that for me. Nothing replaces belonging in blood and love at the same time. I hate to be pessimistic, but I just have to be honest here. I have tons of friends who care about me, but I can never be a part of their intimate life histories. I can ignore these things until I'm asked to name a beneficiary or emergency contact, or even socially about my family. Then, I am visibly pitied and once again reminded that there is something huge missing that makes me all at once pitied, but also a sort of alien -- on the outside, looking in.

As someone who completely understands every single story on here. It really is hard to know that there is not someone who will be there for you. I do know the majority of the world holds on to family bonds and even in the worst conditions of a mother or father being abusive that their children still take care of them when they get older. However, those children still receive the abuse on some level still to be with their parents as they pass. Now many of us have kids either trying to prevent from what happened to us not to happen to them or don't have children at all. I know many of us with children end up losing the ability to raise them. So as I am watching a roommate die with no family left, no money, and on the care and concern of a couple friends...I wonder with how I live my life is this my fate as well. She has this resource but what if she didn't like many others, you see these people are much older than I and I won't have this resource I have in the future. So I am wondering what do I need to do to not die as a burden to others out of pity (yes most is pity, sadly). I have a hard enough time making any money to pay child support for the two kids I can't raise less alone for savings or nurse to take care of me when I am too old. I barely have money enough to pay food...and I am 41. I am trying to go back to school but the stress and worry of not being able to pay bills less alone child support really has me struggling. Again what is the end game here? How do we get out of these patterns, how do we go forward and live a great life, how do we makes sure we have loved ones around us as we get older and need more help?

Yes I understand, even though I've had a dysfunctional family I had to throughout my life cut them all off, they have done terrible things to me, which no one will ever understand, your better in a sense of your still young you can have a family I'm nearly 36 and I'm still alone with no one I feel really alone, and not sure if anyone feels the same, when I get back inside doors I feel that's my sanctuary and I feel a little better being out I'm always alone but I'm also attractive so that makes people wonder why is she always alone, I'm afraid to let people in, but on my last 5 birthdays I've been alone I feel really sad I just wish I had a friend or someone who knew what I was going through maybe then it wouldn't be as hard

I think you're a beautiful and I inspirational woman

I'm an outsider too. I grew up in a very abusive environment. I only knew my mother, and she made it clear that I wasn't required in her life. The man she was married to wasn't my father, and when this became obvious, he became physically and emotionally violent. She died from MS when I was 19, he died the following year. They were my only relatives. I have been without any family since. I am now 48. Ironically, it turns out that I have inherited an autoimmune disease from the father I have never known which prevents me from having children. So, I have no past family and no future family - there is just me. I understand what it's like to have no-one in the whole world that you call family. I understand that holidays are not for me, I understand that I will never have a family Christmas or Thanksgiving. I was in therapy for a long time and was told that it was a miracle that I was a functional adult. I have to remember that when it gets hard to cope.

Hi outsider,
I hope that you are,here I can feel and identify with your pain, you are not alone. I have relatives from my mother and father side of the family but I can assure you that I'm am and have always been alone , talk about be the black sheep . No sisters one brother whole set of other issues. Herein others talk about the relationships with there families can be heart breaking.

It would be good for so many people if we could come together and claim each other to fill these voids in our life's . I wish I had a sister who would tell the world that's my sister, my sister's did not make it because they were aborted, back in the 60s

Hello:

I do not know if you are still on this blog. I am so happy to find you all. I am doing something about my situation!! We must connect then we will have the support others have. I started a meetup group in Charlotte, NC. Check it out. Google : Meetup groups in Charlotte, You will see, " My Family of Choice through Christ." Talk to me!!

hi.i've been looking for people just like me.i've been sexual and phisycally abuse by my parents.i escaped from them about six yrs ago.can i PM you??

I TOTALLY GET IT! Am in very similar situation - and, like you, no pity party - I'm the most cheerful and helpful person anybody could ever meet - but, when alone, which is 99% of the time, nobody has even a clue that I am alone, often lonely, and desperately fighting the demons of the abuse suffered over most of my life by a malignant Narcissistic mother... God be with you, dear girl ❤❤❤

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I'm experiencing this loop too right now. I have no family, it's been hard to open up to a person so I stop trying. I'm still homeless at the moment.

Oh, God! I was homeless, living/sleeping in my car for over a year! Did so because I have no family/'friends' and needed to raise about $10,000 a month for my son's treatment. He STILL hates me, says I'm a failure :-/ Stay STRONG and don't give up is all I can say - from MUCH experience :'-(

Oh my gosh, I experienced different issues, but I'm alone pretty much as well. Holidays are painful, birthdays are painful and waiting for someone to call is painful as well. People don't get it, and I don't want to make someone feel good and be their charity case for the day either! I hear ya girl-

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Im alone. I grew up in abusive home. I have no family. I live on my own. No one to love ad noone to love me. I spend every holiday alone. Once in awhile i get invited somewhere but like u said,, u sit and feel out of place because ur not related.

My dog just died and so its worse. I got lyme disease at 27 and my husband left me after 20 years together. Best friends and thr only person that loved me. He left when i got sick after awhile. I couldnt be a wife do to be misdiagnosedfor 5 years. I went to 55 doctors and secen surgeries until diagnosed right.

Everyone calleed me a faker. His family. He cut off communicstion and didnt even know he was leaving me. Left me on with disability with a home alone.

Finacial ruin. Bankruptcy. Cant seek all treatment because of insurance doesnt cover what the lyme caused. So pain everyday sincec27 and now 41.

Im over weight due to the misdiagnosis and pain. I have noone and dont want to live. I have no hope, no future, no children. I dont know why im here. I pray and pray.y days are spent eating and watching tv alone. I have friends but arent there when i truley need help.

I cant call anyone and cry to them or sleep over someones house to feel comforted. I keep trying to move on . Church, couseling , bible groups but does nothing . Everyone has someone or family. If i tell someone they say, put ur big girl pants on. Or i wish i was alone or your selfish.

Wow that was deep I need to relocate away from my family as I feel disowned by them since I was raped I have no connections elsewhere and I have a six year old daughter which I'm worried may cause her distress as I'm a single parent with very few friends jus three now I need to get away from all this hurt around me just don't no how to pack up and go with nothing

I'm so with you... My sister has been a bully all her life with me and I finially pushed her out of my life. I get a lot of ppl saying you should let her back in as she family... Not when they just keep on hurting you no.
Happy family's are around yes and I do feel I've missed out on one too...
I've lived like two lives because I'm gay and the work lesbian wasn't ever said in front of my father and was asked to leave home because he couldn't live with the idea of someone like that lived under his roof like that... Mum got me to stay but that was it...
Glass dome is the perfect example for me ... You feel so alone

I completely understand what you are saying. I feel like I'm watching other people's lives too, and I don't and never have understood how to get inside the snowglobe and have decided that I can't. It's a lonely world I live in but I can't even fathom how to get out of it and get inside where all the other people live. Advice on how to "get out and meet people" seems so facile and misdirected because it feels like there is a basic thing in me that is missing but I don't know what it is and I have been unable for 50 years to figure it out. I am sorry for your experience (and for mine) but I am also somewhat heartened to hear of somebody else who seems to share what I've been going through. I really hope your life has improved a lot since you posted this and I will think of you tonight and know I am not alone in the world. Thank you, Outsider.

There is really no such thing as a piety party this is your real life story and never be ashamed to talk about it ever. I lost both my parents to brain cancer in my early 20's that literally put me on mental disability for agoraphobia and panic attacks that are extremely severe. My youngest brother became a severe alcoholic that looked like a crack addict and smelled horrible for 10 years and and have spent 20 years alone on the holidays or the rare someone Else's house. There is no real answer to why, and the longing for something that will never be hurts inside. What always seemed to help me was sharing my story with random people in different places in my life. You would be surprised how many people open up to similar stories and sometimes even worse. Life is a tough thing and I don't know why it has to be this way but it is. I actually am becoming a psychologist/therapist just so I can help people that feel like us to let them know hey we all have a story and I am here to share what might help you that I have personally learned. It never gets better but you can change the way you look at life. Its a tough road. I have come to realize I need good people around me, which is hard to really find. But we are out there and just like I am writing this to you so are others. I see the post is on a holiday from 2011 I hope you may have found a true friend as I am still searching, never give up the world can be a beautiful place if you allow yourself to see it :)

Biggest thing I face is what happens when you get older and possibly sick to the point of needing help because you have no money. What do you do than? I am watching my roommate in this house of negativity die from having this one friend (owner of the house) go into financial ruin helping other people (he really shouldn't) and watching this person die because she didn't ever take care of herself nor has children. Her family is already gone and she is 54. As a therapist what do you tell people when they have NO ONE TO HELP THEM?

Outsider, I totally feel your pain. Our stories are a little different but the same general idea. You see my parents are pastors and most people on the outside looking in would think that its all biscuits and gravy. Both my parents are abusive and controlling. Worst part is my siblings just go along with everything like they don't see what I see. Anyway I made a best friend along the way (or so I thought). Long story short after eight years of friendship and support and living together and all that when I needed her most she abandoned me. So now its just me. Its been like this crazy culture shock because I'm so used to having her around but I have no friends my family doesn't care. I've been through homelessness to avoid the abuse but now I'm back with my parents. In order to escape I'm trying to join the military. Its just hard because if people knew me they wouldn't believe my story or understand. I totally understand the whole dating situation too. I just keep running into users. I'm not really one to settle. I've had to watch my siblings go to college while my parents won't pay for me. I've watched them celebrate their birthdays while they won't even recognize mine. It all just hurts. I keep falling into this trying to trust my mom thing but I just can't as much as I want to but I won't make that mistake again. I know I didn't get into much detail but I hope it helps. Your story certainly helped me. I will tell you the only thing that has kept me sane all of these years and even with what I'm currently dealing with is my faith in God. He is real and He does help emotionally and whatever. Just give Him a chance. Any questions just hmu. Stay strong Sista

You are not alone! <3 I have made similar experiences. Hope you are ok. *hugs*

Hi, Outsider - So sorry to hear about you pain! Hope things have become better for you, but please know you are not alone and there is actually HOPE to live a good life!! I'm black, female, known for being "life of the party" also, but very few people know what I went through.

I cut myself off from family in 2012 and hopefully that was for the last time as I have done it before. I have been betrayed a million times, by my parents who both separately left me when a few months old, their families/the relatives that raised me. I experienced every kind of physical, mental, sexual abuse, neglect & emotional anguish you might imagine as a child and it took 20+ years to process, with no drugs, no therapy, no support from family members as they turned a blind eye, but a lot of crying, determination, thinking, music/creativity and some wine and weed :) As long as it's in moderation, have a little wine!

Now, after years of reading on personal development, family dynamics, reading on anger, abuse, self esteem, etc I believe I'm starting to finally thrive and become a healthy, well adjusted person, with or without this god forsaken family. I will write the rest of my story later but thought to reach out to you and anyone else who might be reading this, to say that there is a solution and that solution is really in YOU.

Hey! could you share some of the books you have read that have helped? and why didn't you see a therapist?

Hi, I can see that this post is a bit old, but I was wondering if anything has changed for you over the years. I am in a similar situation and am curious if there is anyone out there in this big world that is experiencing what I am.

Yes! You are not alone and I'm sorry for your hurt! There is hope though. :)

Hi I completely understand without giving too much detail to my life. I am 23 and have been on my own 8 years now. All my holidays are spent alone or with someone else's family that has made me feel very alone in the world. I have often been homeless due to never being able to have a stable home I never finished my college degree. I'm lucky I managed to get my g.e.d. I am now stuck in an abusive relationship because I thought that I was loved by this person but apparently not. I feel extremely alone due to this and because I was alone before it's harder to escape this relationship. So I guess your not alone. And I guess I'm not either. It makes me feel better to know. But at the same time I feel pretty sad still because the pain I feel is constant and physically hurts sometimes. I wouldn't wish that for anyone else.

Hi lanao,

You just described my situation too. I left home at 18. Dysfunctional abusive family. My brother molested me and my sisters. Narcissist selfish parents. My mother hates me. I ended up bouncing from what abusive relationship to the next so I could have some semblance of stability. But now I'm in an abusive relationship with a narcissist who lies and womanizes. I have no where to go if I leave him and no one to turn to. And I'm trying to keep stable for my six year old son. So I was all alone before I met him and I'm still alone. I have spent holidays with other families and by myself. I'm trying so hard to finish college and I'm so close. I'm trying to stick it out and coexist with this jerk until I can get on my own. Alone again.

you are not alone unfortunately. and as obvious here many know exactly how you feel but it is like a secret that must be hidden although we are not the perpetrator of the problem. luckily i have one person who i consider my family. he has helped me go through so many issues. i know exactly what you mean about the emergency contact. i only have him andi tell him i feel so bad to be what i feel is a burden on him because of my past and how it still makes me feel. have hope even though it is hard especially at holidays. take care- you are not alone.

I too feel the same! Dysfunctional family, left alone in the world, let's keep in touch!

You just told my life story. I never felt a part of my toxic family who turned everything around to be my fault....when clearly they were ridiculing me due to mental health issues I have had since I was little. They were so embarrassed of me, they never wanted me around. I am able to relate to pretty much every story on this site. What a great sharing site. Thank you :)

I'm pretty sure our stories are identical. This world is smaller than I thought.

You just told my life story. I never felt a part of my toxic family who turned everything around to be my fault....when clearly they were ridiculing me due to mental health issues I have had since I was little. They were so embarrassed of me, they never wanted me around. I am able to relate to pretty much every story on this site. What a great sharing site. Thank you :)

You are not alone, I'm on that same boat.

I wonder how many of us are really out there...makes me sad to realize but reading here felt a little hopeful. I like the others here can relate to so much of what you wrote. I don't know how real family feels. I learned to mimic and gratefully made something of myself. Those that know me would never guess....at work some time ago I was told to bring in a childhood picture...I have no idea what I looked like as a child. I never threw a ball, road a bike, had a party.
Believe me I could go on, I just want you to know that you are not the only one. Your worst is a mirror of ours. It shouldn't have been but it was.

We will always carry our past, its the unfortunate truth but we are far from reaching our limits. Due to mine, I didn't have normal coordination, balance, things so many take for granted.... as a 50 something you would hardly believe it now. I learned to ride a bike at 38. I ran a marathon, I climbed mountains...those are my secret smile moments, the ones where I take back what was broken early on.
I'm not done yet but I'm ready for each challenge and I move forward every time. My life has had its moments but I have known true peace and contentment. I have been purely and deeply happy. You can be too, it is not outside of your reach.

We can overcome and climb inside a globe of our own making. No one's life is perfect, even the "normals", we got a crappy start but in some ways, I wonder if it frees us too. We have no preconceptions, so our eyes are wide open, possibilities for happiness surround us, pick a piece, place it and start building. Our globe, everyone's.... is make up of many small pieces.

I believe our biggest risk is not realizing how much our past still controls us through denial (so necessary early on!), or connecting with "familiar" aka damaged people.

Stay with your therapist, read, do the things you find joy in NOW, find them if you aren't sure! Try everything until something taps you deep inside. Those are the keepers.

Courage my dear. You have come to far and overcome too much to stop now.

Yes, I do. I am 18 years old, I grew up without family in the picture. Foster care instead, strangers instead. Friends are cool to have around because they're the only people that seemed to stick around for the most part. In foster care you move around alot, so it's hard to keep in contact with friends other than Facebook and E-mails. The snow globe has always been there for me too. But If you ignore it and act like everyone else you can start to feel like everyone else too. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing as long as your still sane and follow the law and get a job. The only down fall of this is you need some one to talk to. Some one to let it out to. Cry on a shoulder. Relate maybe. The web is good for people like us. And so are hobbies. Mine are dance, writing, setting and completing goals. Staying busy is a great one to keep your mind off it. I actually found your story through google. I was trying to find people like me too. Not many out there. I learned some things from you. Maybe something I said can help? Your older than me though. Thank You for sharing your story. I'm not judging, I know what that feels like. Really crappy. :( At the end of the day at least we're still going. For ourselves. Better than nothing right. :) I can't wait till college. Something new to embrace. Hey, at least people like us can appreciate what we do have and who we do get to meet. Some people can be pretty awesome I can't lie. I may not have been that much of a help but I am in the same boat. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Sincerely, Ashley.

Yes I truly do understand. I am also someone who has no one to put for an emergency contact. Dating....I hate thinking about it because I am well over 40 and also do not recognize non-verbal ques and body language of the opposite sex and because of that I usually feel more vulnerable and afraid that I am a target for men to take advantage of (financially and otherwise) just because there is no one to protect me. What happens usually though it that I have learned to not look too pleasant out in public nor smile too much. It has proved so far to be a deterant against the predators. What a sad way to live. When I was in the military I dreaded returning from some tour of duty because as everyone else had husbands, other family and friends to hug and cheer for them there was no one there for me. Several times at christmas I chose not to participate at all no tree, no lights, no fancy food, no holiday programs and kept telling myself "It will all be over tommorrow and you can get on with life". I always said I would love to rent a huge house during those times and those of us with no family could be a family that day.

Everything you said is exactly my situation too. So glad someone gets it.

me too, i left home at age of 17 and i am 20 now also for family abuse (attempted rape)

I am glad to find this...I have just been feeling so alone, and my family are all so totally oblivious to it, which makes it even worse...it makes me feel as though they don't give a ****

Never give up trying to find someone to connect with is my motto. I also do not have anyone to put down for an emergency contact. It's pitiful when I think about how alone I am. My mother exiled me from the family. She had issues as well. And a nightmare childhood from the sounds of it,. And I think she married my father as a ticket out of a bad situation. She received child support and spousal support and spent it on beer and clothes to wear to the bar. She told me once: "You've been this way since you were 3 years old." What way, I thought. What have you been holding against me for 20 years, I thought. I disagreed with her just by being myself. She's gone and as horrible as it sounds, I am somewhat relieved. Brother is gone. Dad too. I look into my future and it looks bleak. If I fall down, no one will be there to pick me up. My options have diminished with a bad economy and the loss of what equity I had as a home owner.

This is dangerous. I think once we are at peace with ourselves, we'll open the door for love. Fear of rejection, yet again, may be a motivating factor for our self-imposed exile from loving relationships.

I am in California too. I hope you are okay.

Dear Apminnie,<br />
<br />
I read your blog and I absolutely 100% know how you feel. I wish I could give you a hug!<br />
I am also an only child...well, i grew up as one. My mother was adopted herself and has issues from that. She had me at 16 and my dad was 19. They divorced when I was 2 and my father moved back to his home state in the midwest, while we stayed on the east coast. She never had any other children, only a string of live-in boyfriends....one after the other. Her main concern in life was always her man. She was emotionally abusive and an alcoholic with a violent temper. When you said you were the daughter who was all thumbs, well that totally resonates with how I felt. I couldn't even walk across the floor right, she would say I walked like an elephant (even though I was very petite) If a pin dropped, she acted as if it was an explosion!! She was very high strung, anxious, and a bully. She offered no comfort in my times of need. Her and her boyfriends would have horrific fights, police would get called, phones ripped out of the wall, etc etc. I could go on and on, but needless to say I felt very much alone in the world. I would visit my dad in the summer. He remarried and had other kids (I was much older by that time), and my step mother was very obvious in her favoritism. It hurt a lot mostly because they basically knew how my mother was raising me and they didn't step up to the plate and take me in. I actually asked my dad once if i could live with him, and his reply was "I need to ask my wife"....well, I knew the answer to that, and it was never brought up again...by him or me. I have never felt that anyone "has my back" and I know what you mean about looking through a snow globe. God, it really hits the nail on the head! I did get into drugs and alcohol, but had my own child at age 23 and got it together by the time I was 30...went to nursing school, got married at 32 and had 2 more kids. So here I am at 45.....still feeling the effects of my childhood despite counseling. Although I am in the process of weekly therapy, I still feel very lonely. Especially when my husband and I have a fight, or when I go to my in-laws....his mom and sister are attached at the hip and it's just hard to witness. Ironically, his sister sees me as a threat (which is a whole other story) and my mother in law coddles her to no end. Where I've only wanted to fit in and be a part of the family, but I feel like a complete outsider. So now I've been the second rate citizen with my dad's new family and now my husband's family. I find this unbearable at times and won't go to family functions because of it. Oh there is so much involved, so many dramas over the years. I married into a very dramatic, volatile bunch (hmmm I wonder why). So, here I am crying because once again my husband and I had a fight, and I have no one to turn to. Yea, I have a few friends, but I've used up that support, at least I feel that way. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. I definitely feel I wouldnt have a couch to crash on if I needed one though. I don't think Im unlikable, in fact I can be the life of the party too when Im in the mood :) I feel like the sad clown. <br />
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I hope you get this, because I would love to talk more. I feel you more than you know.<br />
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Take care, Wendy<br />
Anyway, I have 3 kids to live for whom I love with all of my heart. <br />
<br />
Fast forward

Hi, how are you? Okay? let me know. I have a hard time navigating these sites. Hope you are happy and your children are well.

Hi apminnie, I can definitely relate to your story and also live in California. We should have a little support group since it seems so many of us live here. Anyways, I applaud you for making a conscious effort in not letting your sad story run your life and make you breed the negativity that can so easily happen. It is a choice after all.<br />
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I realize this life that so many of us have in common is so unfair. There are times where I feel caught off guard by the pain of it all and I just breakdown. But, I think it's important to read lot's of books that have positive solutions and watch feel good movies and listen to uplifting music. It changes your outlook and smile. It's difficult to make new friends and possibly meet a new spouse when you have negative energy. I am definitely a work in process but know this to be true.

my life's story is similar to yours.

I can relate to your words. I'm the only child of a paranoid schizophrenic mother. As a result of her illness, all of her relationships ended up in failure. People would either leave, because she was so difficult and abusive to deal with, or she'd toss them away once her delusions would get the better out of her. So, she effectively prevented me from inheriting any family or family friends from her. Not even a month ago, she died. <br />
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It's hard, being so alone. I do have friends, but it's not family.

This could be me speaking. Well done for putting it so well. YOur post is several months old, would love to know how you doing x x

I can absolutely relate to what you have posted, in fact, it could be me speaking! I am so very sorry for the way you feel like an outsider, I too feel that same way when conversations arise involving family members and what they have said and/or are doing with their lives. I know exactly how it feels to have spent birthdays, christmas and other holidays all alone. So if you ever need someone to talk to, please do not hesitate. <br />
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I wish you the best and hope you meet someone to love and cherish you the way you should be. Just remember that it is not your fault, your family has mental health issues and you are not be blame for that and you cant change them, believe me when I say I lived the first 20 years of my life thinking that if I could just overlook their abuse and be kind to them, they would reciprocate, they didnt. Keep your head up and know that there are others out here going through the same thing.

Totally get it. I was watching that show Biggest Loser, and they have times where if they win a challenge they can get letters from home or a video from home of family and friends saying sweet, encouraging things to them..and, the other day, I said "there wouldn't be any letters or videos for me. Who would send them?" I couldn't even sign up for a show like that because I'd be embarrassed that there was no one in my life like that. It's interesting to me that you said the thing about a 'pity party,' because that's so like me....I feel like, when I say these things I sound like a sob story, so it can be hard to even say something, but it shouldn't be.

Totally get it. I was watching that show Biggest Loser, and they have times where if they win a challenge they can get letters from home or a video from home of family and friends saying sweet, encouraging things to them..and, the other day, I said "there wouldn't be any letters or videos for me. Who would send them?" I couldn't even sign up for a show like that because I'd be embarrassed that there was no one in my life like that. It's interesting to me that you said the thing about a 'pity party,' because that's so like me....I feel like, when I say these things I sound like a sob story, so it can be hard to even say something, but it shouldn't be.

You write so beautifully. You said the things that I have always wanted to say in plain simple English. Amazing. And the snow globe! What an amazing analogy! The people inside the snow globe have no idea what life is like outside it. Worse, even if they do know, they are gonna do nothing. <br />
Racism in real. I am from India and I face it everywhere, even online. You say dating is difficult in LA because you are black, isn't LA supposed to be the role model city for the whole world?<br />
I don't like to date. It is equivalent of putting yourself at the mercy of someone else. <br />
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I can't relate to people who have had "normal" upbringing. Everytime there is a problem they run to their parents. I don't have that luxury. I survive alone.<br />
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Therapists are bogus. I never visit them. And I don't need a therapist, I need love.

I am a 46 years old colored woman & I can feel your pain. It's been almost 20 yrs. since I have a happy life. I'm always alone. After so much trauma I compensate safety by being on my own. And besides I think people like us who have been traumatized to the core becomes very deep thinkers & have no streak of superficiality. I have a difficult time relating to shallowness therefore I prefer alone. I think once you reached the stage in life that what matters the most is living an authentic self, the question of being alone becomes irrelevant.

ScorpioC, your comment is SO SO true, when you state that people with these traumas (that have the capability to forge "anyway") become deep thinkers and no streak of superficiality. Although, when I was younger, I tried that coat on, and wore it until it itched too much, and had to take it off. It was killing me. Yet, most people seem fine to live with the superficiality. In fact, it seems to me that our culture is forever formed around that comfort zone. It's just that for those of us that were ripped to the core, we had to face the truth. It is an odd place to be. To feel like you are looking through a veil at the world, on the outside as the original poster writes, yet knowing the truth deep down inside, that that isn't a very good reality. YET! Those on that other side of reality seem to be happier! Then, I look at the world and see what state it is really in, and THEN.......and so it goes for me. I grow weary and tired of all of this. I am 51, and have come to the conclusion that the fight to keep going is so draining.

My story: Abusive home, major violence between parents, always waiting for someone to die, secret violence on me by my mother, and also my brother, no one would ever look at it, which I tried to get going for 47 years, and I finally just broke away about 4 years ago. I was relieved, because to continue with them on any level was still "wearing the coat." My mother lied to my entire family when I told her I needed her to tell them all the truth. Her lies had cost me dearly, and my family thought I was insane when I told them what happened. Yes, the very violent ones in my family thought I was insane. I was in co-dependent and/or violent adult relationships for 20 years, a 2 year marriage (living together for only one year...total mistake from day one), and after many horrible pairings, I gave up and realized I had to work on myself all alone. Which I have been doing for over 13 years. No holidays, no Christmas trees, no real friends to count on. All of this, and I still have a great rep for doing what I do work-wise. Yeah, totally capable. Yet, I just want to find people like me, that understand what it feels like to be alone.....yet I want to find people that have worked through their initial tendencies to habitually recreate their initial traumas. I can't go back to co-dependency. I still have so far to go, but I can't go back. Does anyone know this place of being stuck?

On top of this, I lost my career due to a car accident (the one thing I worked so hard for since I was 5 years old, musician), and now I am teaching. I then lost my healthcare, due to the fact that I paid for my own, always, and they found a genetic difference in my DNA. So, I can't get any. I am scared about that. No health care, no kids, no family, a bad economy, lost my home after the accident, and struggle to start over, struggle with lonliness, struggle financially, struggle with fears of who will take care of me if something happens health-wise, and how to get through the next set of holidays, yet again, intact. As each year passes, I grow more and more weary. In the end, no matter how much growth I try to accomplish, which I do accomplish, I am no closer to being with another, or others, that understand. As of late, I finally got to the point, after all these years of healing, that I realized that it was "really that bad." I knew, of course, but I always realized there were others that had it worse. But, mine was "that bad." Bad enough to set me apart, on the outside, looking in.

I really have a lot of love in my heart for you guys on here that go through this as well. I wish for you, someday, freedom from this separation, as I do for myself. I hope that one day, all the reasons for these hurdles will become known. I would like to know that all this work was not, for not.

I really have a lot of compassion for people out there. I am hardened in some ways,

and in other ways, I am still the same child I was from the beginning. I really feel great amounts of love. What a pickle.

I do have one friend I really trust, but he is married (45 years to the same woman!), and must care take her 24/7, due to severe strokes. We talk daily,
but he is pretty much incapable of being in our friendship physically anymore.
We really love each other, and I respect him for how much he loves his wife, no matter how difficult it is for him. He owns nothing, after all this, yet keeps going, keeps working, keeps telling himself and me, "in the end, all there really is is love. Remember that."

All there is, is love. That is are constant struggle. To figure out, as spiritual beings, how to reside there, at least most of the time. We are the casualties of that process. God Bless each and every one of you. Angels, you are.

We share a lot of similarities. I'm a 31 year old black single female with no children and I too escaped at 17, looked back a few times and got crushed beyond belief over and over again. I don't know how to use this forum much, just logged on looking for support. I'd love to talk if you'd like to.

i stayed with in the laws most of my life even with the abuse and rapes as a child i had my wife mother very young to teach me how to be a man and i have tried veryhard to live that way for her and for my wife that was killed at age 1i<br />
<br />
as a rule what i have done was for gor and country ot money in other countys face it no one wanted us here after viet nam <br />
and i had nothing to live for any way my wife was dead and so was the mother i loved dearly<br />
<br />
i did make what dreams i could of my wifes come true for her<br />
now i wait to die

Dear Apminnie,<br />
<br />
I know exactly what you are talking about. I, too, moved to California to escape abusive family. My mother was bipolar, schizophrenic, and abusive. My father was absent, my stepfather mostly absent, but when he was around, was abusive and violent. These things are the tip of the iceberg, as you know. People ask you at school if you're going home for Christmas break and you wince bc you don't know how to explain that you have no "home" to go to, no family support. You spend most of your time "acting normal" and "acting happy" and trying to figure out how to look and behave like a person who hasn't been emotionally abandoned and unloved their whole life. <br />
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I write all this to explain that I understand your pain.<br />
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We, made the choice to leave all of that. Now, We must choose ourselves. We must stop "people pleasing" in an attempt to avoid the abuse that we never deserved in the first place. We must be self protective, self forgiving, and self loving.<br />
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I am also black, and I haven't had trouble dating in LA at all, even interacially. You just need to find the people who are nurturing and accepting of you and ignore the people who judge you ba<x>sed on a stereotype, outside of Hollywood, they are not the majority. One thing that I've learned is that the internet is that you can learn ANYTHING on it, even how to flirt, do your hair and fashion to attract the people you want. Join a dating service for practice.<br />
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I would suggest you get back into therapy and don't be afraid to see several therapists on a trial basis until you find one that really helps you. You have to "interview" therapists until you find one that can really help you through life. There is nothing wrong with you, but everyone needs someone in their corner, and the right therapist can provide that.

Yes...that is exactly how I feel. Thank you for the kind words and words of encouragement.

I can TOTALLY relate to your story. I too have zero family...by choice. I have not seen or spoken to my brothers, or father in 15 years. I want to commend you for breaking the cycle with your mother. It is not easy to let go of the family you had even if they were dysfunctional. But I believe that is the best decision and that is one that I made for myself too. I have worked very hard over those years to make lasting bonds with people who started out as friends and are now considered family. I have made new traditions with them and they with me. There are still times that I miss being connected to a family but I made a commitment to myself years ago to leave behind the abuse and dysfunction. So I keep my head held high each day and try very hard to keep a positive attitude, a smile on my face and when times get tough, work through it the best that I can. I think there are a lot of people out there that are in the same situation as us. Hang in there and choose happiness.

I totally understand this feeling of being an outsider.. everyone else is functioning with family in their lives, and we are functioning without it. It pains me daily, because family is everywhere, except in my life. Thanks for sharing your story.

Here I am, Just like you. I have a disability not having family. I remember seeing a doctor who said, when I was 40, that i must have children. Now, I know why. Besides having few family contacts, being unsocialized can lead us to end up in friendships, relationships which are toxic - best to stay alone I have found. I became a people pleaser to survive (alcoholics in the house) and it is also tiring for me to try to figure out what is it that I am supposed to do to make things right. Knee jerk reaction. I am hoping you find love and create a family with a life coach perhaps who has the best credentials. I think you will be glad of this when you get older. Trusting people around you is a safety net in case you fall down. Hang in there sweetheart.

I cannot relate to your past suffering. I cannot even relate to your invitations to others family functions, as I do not even get those. But I do have empathy for those who are alone or feel alone because of no family. Most of the time, I feel like a 'wounded wildebeast(sp.)' being run off of a cliff. Those trying are my inlaws-my husband included.