Tired Of This

Hi all,
I am so tired of being angry all the time. My reason for being angry is that I have zero family support. I won't get into the details of how this has happened but after years of abuse, I refuse to put up with any of these people. They have not been a part of my life for close to 17 years. They are all so toxic it is better to live without any of them in my life. The problem with this is, my anger daily, countless times a day, when I see people, most people with family in their life. Each holiday, life event, marriage, having a baby, etc, all requires family to be around. There are so many events that people go through that as I go through these events, such as holidays, school graduation, etc etc etc, the common theme is that family is not present. I dont want any of them there as they are all so toxic, so I know I am better off without them. But I dont think this life situation is fair. I am a good person, always was. I am doing my best to forgive all these people, but I am reminded of what I dont have in my life on a daily basis. I am so tired of being angry, and I dont know how to get over this. I have come along way from living an unhealthy lifestyle that covered up and dulled my pain of this lack of family support, but now that I am living a healthy lifestyle, I feel all my issues are coming up and are clear as day. I feel so absolutely alone and isolated all the time, and its just awful.
raspberry333 raspberry333
11 Responses Jul 29, 2011

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 26 years old and have not gone back "home" for 6 years now because of the same kind of toxicity and dysfunction. As I grow older, I notice more and more how important life events may really sting because I have no family to represent me in my wedding, college graduation, and god forbid I get pregnant and try to figure out how to raise a child with no reference point or family support. I see my boyfriend's family and it melts/breaks my heart to learn what I'm missing out on. Hang in there honey and know that we can't choose our family but we can choose our friends who are our spiritual family.

This sounds like my situation: I am cut out of all 'family' events and been deemed the difficult one. After all, I don't have $ to leave when I die. I feel my children are mercenary and have been manipulated big time. The lonliness and the lack of connection isn't natural and at this age, the end looks bleak.
Thanks to all for sharing-wish I could say something to make us all complete.

I know exactly how you feel. I myself was beaten, told that I could never be loved, that i was a mistake, told to go kill myself to get me out of everyones misery, told all kind of hurtful things growing up. The best thing that happened to me was that they abandoned me and my sister. My sister was the only one they ever wanted so she was treated like a princes. I tried to reach out to other family members for help but they told me to keep it hush hush bc they wanted to keep peace in the family. I called my dad and my grandmother one night and asked them to come get me bc my mom was trying to kill me (literally) and they told me no. Everyone turned their back on me. Up until year before last they litrally beat me. This time I fought back and they called the cops on me to have me arested. It is not easy getting away from my family when they are always emailing you. I was never good enough. I have PTSD so bad that I have to force myself to leave the house. I have joined the womens bible study group at church and I am really trying to open up and let people get to know me but it is really hard when you have been through that much trama. I have always thought "if my own family does not love me then how could someone else"? I have recently learned that I am loveable. Things will get better. Try to join a group at church. It really does help. You find out that you are not alone. It will take time to cope with it all but they become your family. Good Luck!!

sometimes it seems like everyone else has some kind of family support and the world can seem so isolating, even seeing there are others in the same thought process is helpful, family pain is so deep it gets exhausting trying to not dwell on the past and live a healthy life when deep inside you are like something must be wrong with me if my own family cant love me.

@raspberry333, I empathise with you totally. I have been forced to make the right decisions for my family and myself, where toxic relations are concerned. Life is hard enough, dont need nearest and dearest making it that bit harder. Do you have children? I am married with 2 and a 3rd on the way...with very littlle family support. I have found that reaching out to friends and building a network of support is a nice alternative. Sometimes, family is not always biological, but those who are there for you. Let me know how your getting on?

@bleublue. i feel everything you are talking about. i also feel i let myself be used because i don't have stability and support. i wish someone had your idea where i am living. i tend to end up in situations where i am unhappy just so that i am not alone.

The holidays make it especially hard. I have people in my family that bad-mouth me to the rest and I was ending up in situations where I was constantly having to explain/defend myself against lies. Or I would wonder why some of them were treating me so rudely, and then come to find out it was the same people spreading lies and creating trouble for me. I got so fed up with people being willing to believe lies instead of just coming to me and asking me or giving me the benefit of the doubt, so I've just quit having anything to do with any of them. It's a sad situation. This holiday season, though, I thought 'am I the only one dealing with this crap..am I the only person who's completely alon?' It made me think of trying to figure out how to get people together, especially in my community, that might also be without family and looking for friends/family. Not sure how to go about it, but I feel like it's important because one of the worst things about being in this situation is feeling trapped and hopeless. Feeling like this, at least for me, has meant being willing to put up with crap I would never put up with if I had some kind of real support.

I understand completely about how you feel. I, myself have been there. You are right letting them into your healthy lifestyle may open the door for their toxic lifestyle to seep in. But, if you'd like you can let them enter your life til a certain point. For example if you want that Christmas bond that everyone has with their family, try calling them on Christmas and wish them well, or try eating at their place. (If anything bad happens you can leave instead or asking them to leave if it was held at your house.) Personally, none of these could workout for my family situation, but family is not considered by blood, but by people who love and support you for whom you are. You may have family around you, you just didn't define them as family.

Keep your healthy lifestyle and don't dwell on the negative

Please please please keep to your healthy lifestyle. Its to your credit that you still feel shite about it all. You're not alone. Feel fed up but remember your strength and try to keep them out of your thoughts. It is just awful and i feel it everyday. I am expecting my first child and dread dealing with all this. Take care.

Most of these people are playing this role on a subconscious level. I suspect they're probably not aware of this. I too come from a non supportive family. I don't mean that I'm a dependent person, but as far as encouragement, love, understanding, I get nothing at all. God forbid I really get in an bad position in life, because, not only would they not help me out, they would step on my throat to finish me off. My family needs me to play the whipping boy to keep the dysfunctional family dynamic going. The way I deal with it is, first, I try and look at them and understand that they're mentally unhealthy people. Secondly, and most importantly, I never never never dwell on negative thoughts because they only bring me down. I know it's easier said than done, but you're going to have to be aware of the thoughts, take a deep breath and tell yourself "they're not worth being unhappy for". That negative feeling you get, is the very power they'll use against you. It will cause depression, anxiety and the most terrible debilitating gut wrenching feeling you will ever have. Feeding those negative thoughts is a continuance of them pushing you around. It's going to be either negativity or self preservation, pick one. Also you need to feel good about yourself. You're a human being Damn it and you have worth! You have to love yourself, it's also something that is learned, look it up on the web, or on youtube, learn to love your self. Then no one will ever be able to bring you down again.

Good point rob