I Miss My Sons So Much

I separated from my ex husband 2 years ago and while that is another story, the result is that my 2 sons have rejected my new life and the new man in my life. My ex was mentally abusive and I didn't realise just how toxic he was until I left and he knew I wasn't coming back. He has undermined me to anyone who will listen (which to be honest is not too many anyway). The saddest part is that I have lost my 2 sons as well as my marriage. I guess the boys blame me for splitting up the family although my oldest knows that it was a very bad situation. My ex always made life hard for him when he visited and at first he did keep in touch but eventually he got worn down. I am engaged to a man that I deeply love and treats me so well. I have never experienced love like this before. My childhood is a sad story and I never had a real relationship with my father (he died last year but Inever really knew him) and my mother is mentally unwell. My oldest son said that he would give me away and would be there for me on my wedding day but never turned up at the engagement party. He sent me an abusive message on facebook as my ex had given him a hard time over a conversation that I had with my brother. My brother repeated this to my ex and then my son copped the flack for it. It is just a horrible situation and I can't understand why all the men (my ex, my 2 sons and even my brother) have turned so badly on me. My mother is devastated and this is affecting her. I worry about her health even more now. We have had a volatile relationship as she is bipolar but now that she is older she has calmed down alot. She is all I have left and she has been very supportive but I can only handle her in doses as she can still be critical.

I miss my sons so much. I was a good mother and nurtured and loved my boys from the day they were born. I sacrificed my life for them, I was young when I had them but never went out and drank or partied. My ex was not a good father figure and I could shoot myself for not leaving earlier when they were young. I was frightened about being alone and thought that it was better for the boys to be in a family where mum and dad were together. My ex stopped drinking for eight years and we were happy but then he went into financial ruin and started drinking again. Now I am alienated from my sons and they have chosen to stay with their father. I do suspect it is because they stay rent free and my ex would probably fill the fridge with food. He would not pay their bills, but he would not make them pay board or contribute. I am being painted as selfish and have abandoned them. I have been tough on them and expected them to complete their schooling and get qualifications or a trade behind them. I expect them to be respectful but I hate to say they are disrespectful and quite bulltying in their nature. Unfortunately I can see that they have been influenced by their father. When I was in the marriage they loved me, I know that. But now they want nothing to do with me. Whether it is because my ex gives them too much grief I will never know. They deny this but when my eldest did spend time with me my ex would ring and send abusive texts to him the whole time. The last time we saw each other I asked him to turn the phone off as this was my time and I was sick of the crap that my ex was dishing out. The first time I was assertive and that was the last time I saw my son.

The most hurtful thing is that I am getting married in April next year and my eldest son said that he would give me away. I said that my dream come true would be both my boys walking me down the aisle. My son didn't even come to my engagement party. He promised me that he would come and just didn't show. Now I am faced with the prospect that I will be at my wedding with only my mentally ill mother as my family representative. Having a wedding was so important to me as the first time it was rushed at the registry office and I didnlt even get my honeymoon. This time I am marrying for the right reasons and truly love this man. He has been so wonderfully supportive, but he can't heal the pain and loss that a mother feels when she has lost her sons. I am at the point now when I see a family interacting with love and affection and it cuts me to the core. I had my 2 sons but where are they now? Drinking, taking drugs and living in a toxic environment with their dad. They could be with me where they will be loved and yes there will be boundaries and discipline and consequences for their actions but no, they ran way from that and chose to live with their dad. I am 44 and can't have any more children. My fiancee has had a vasectomy and I have had a hysterectomy. I am so lost and grief sticken. I have talked to my pastor and my pyschologist and they have helped and I am slowly getting my life together. Don't misunderstand, some parts of my life are great and I am so happy that I left. I just didn't think in a million years that my sons would do this to me. I am at a loss as to what I can do? Depsite letting them know that I love them deeply and am only a phone call away they refuse to anwer my calls and do not respond to my private messages on facebook.

I guess I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar experiece and is a little further along and perhaps some suggestions or advice on what I could try to get my sons back into my life.

Thanks for reading and would appreciate some support.
Pinklotusflower Pinklotusflower
41-45, F
Sep 23, 2012