I'm 46 Female and all alone. I come from a severely dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic and physically abused my mom and me too. My mom was a wonderful person and she deserved better but she had her own dysfunctional family and ran away when she was a teenager to marry my father. She had 3 children with him. I'm the youngest. She actually had another child but it was a stillborn. I found out after she died that my father beat my mother while she was pregnant and that's what killed her baby. It's really hard not to hate my father. He's dead too.

I left home when I was 21, moved to NYC and put myself through college...well, actually, I mostly took out student loans to go to college. I was stupid and studied theatre. Acting was a release for me. I was so emotional, and felt that acting was the only way I could channel that energy into something positive. I regret getting in debt to study acting and to this day, almost 20 years after getting my degree, I owe over 100k in student loans. I borrowed a fraction of that and paid some of it off but since the loan went into default, it's been sold and has accumulated)....basically, they're unmanageable.

I lived in LA for ten years but left when my mom who had been battling cancer, became very ill, I moved to Florida to care for her. She had financial problems and neither of my siblings who lived in Florida wanted to be bothered. By this time my father had died. I wanted to be there for my mom. Her friends and brother kept calling me in LA telling me how my siblings didn't care and my mom was all alone. We had always been very close and I was terrified of losing her. She had always been a source of support in my life. She was so loving always. The only time I ever really felt loved was by my mom.

I moved to Florida and took care of her for a year and a half. It was pretty horrible...mainly because once I got there, my siblings decided they would drop in to see my mom now that I was there to do all the heavy lifting. My mom, desperate to have them in her life didn't understand why I was so angered by this. It would've been different if they'd have offered to help but really, all they did was make my life hard. My brother broke my bed (a futon) and I ended up sleeping on the floor. He claimed the frame was cheaply made but really, he would constantly jump on it when he sat and I warned him repeatedly that it was going to break if he kept that up. My sister was just as bad. The hate I felt for them ate away at me and my mom and I fought constantly as a result.

Mom died in 2008. I have felt alone ever since. I bonded with her brother who lives in another country after she died. We speak via Skype a lot and he is really the only family I have but he has financial problems too. ****, everyone I know has financial problems right now. I moved back to California after my mom died but given the state of the economy, it was hard to land on my feet. I have struggled and been forced to take unstable jobs which ultimately laid me off. The most recent contracting job I had laid me off two days before Thanksgiving. I got a lot of rage inside of me right now.

The holidays are always hard. I miss my mom. I live in a very secluded region of Northern California. When I moved here, I bonded with the neighbors who occupied the main house. They treated me like family. I went with them on vacation and we'd eat together all the time and watch TV. I was pretty devastated last month when they informed me that they'd bought a house 3 hours away and were moving. Since they vacated the property, I've felt more alone than I've ever felt in my life. It's eating away inside of me. I have a cat and I am grateful for her because she is really the only companion I have. I often think that I would kill myself if not for her to remind me that she needs me to feed her and care for her.

I'm scared about my employment situation. I am able to resume my unemployment but that expires at the end of the year. I have a little bit of money saved but it was really money to pay taxes since I was on a 1099.

I don't know how I ended up so alone. I used to have friends. I used to be extroverted. Meeting people used to be so damn easy. All my "friends" ended up distancing themselves first when my mom got sick and then shortly after she died. Out of sight, out of mind. I have one good friend in New Jersey who I've known for well over 20 years and she cares but she also has her own problems (married with 2 children). We talk on the phone every week or so but I haven't seen her in well over 10 years. Aside from this friend, my uncle and my cat, I have no one. I am all alone.

I guess I just want to know there are others out there like me. Thoughts of suicide linger in my mind. I don't think I would ever kill myself as long as I am healthy and can support myself but it's this fear of not being able to support myself that terrifies me. It's not like i have friends or family who would take me in if I couldn't pay rent. I really am alone in this world and it sucks.
StrangeAsAngels66 StrangeAsAngels66
46-50, F
3 Responses Dec 6, 2013

Agh. Wow. Yes. You are definitely not alone. Our specifics may be different but we're of similar age, living without partner or family support and I keep losing faith in humanity, with each year that goes by. I have no answers but I wanted you to know you're not in this by yourself.

thank you for sharing your life story with us. I feel pretty much the same even though my life story is somewhat different . I live in Israel. I will write down my life story here. I'm not used to write in English, so excuse me for my mistakes. Alma

You are not alone!! So many people like me who have no family. Spending Holidays and a long time alone at home can be very sad and very unhealthy, but it doesn't have to be. Loneliness is killing us in the US. There was a report that said that elderly people who didn't have anyone to visit them died sooner than those who did.

Make sure you get out of the house & get some warm air, smile and say hi to strangers, even when you don't want to - honestly. I know it sounds so kooky but it makes a world of a difference. Do something outside your comfort zone - cook if you don't cook, garden, join a book/food/happy hour club - try meetup.com, volunteer at a homeless shelter or hospice.

See how your cat has saved you? When you start to give yourself to the world, like you are doing with your cat - you start to heal.