I've read some of the posts here, it seems like there are a lot of sorry families out there... I really don't understand. In a day and age where people have the ability to connect more than any other time humans have been here and there's still a large number of us that are alone and neglected.

Reading other posts on this subject makes me even more depressed so I guess I'll just write my piece.

I cussed out my dead father today. I laid it on thick, and said a few harsh words to my grandmother too. I'd pollute this post if I put in a single line from my rant to them. It's not effective to throw blame around, even if it's true, especially if they aren't here anymore. But I had to, it felt like there was no one else to blame, it wasn't my fault, I was just a kid. I didn't know that I had a sadness that would never go away. I developed depression at an early age, and I cursed them because they never paid any attention, society was (is) so ignorant of those who suffer from this illness, and no one takes it serious. "You don't have a right to be sad!" My dad would say. I can't blame them because they had their own deep sadness, but I do blame them for not noticing they were passing their poison down to me. If they didn't have their heads so far up their up f&$'kin A$)? I could've gotten help. The older you are the harder and more expensive it is to treat. So I've been scraping by, living at the bottom of life. Feeling the heartbreak of my dreams withering and fading away, and the possibility of romance becoming impossible, "You're 26!? Damn bro, I thought you were way older." My cousins marrying and having children, yours too? That sucks I guess... Or congratulations?

Anyway. With a lack of understand or curiosity comes distance, with distance comes new objects that block the view, and soon your thought of on a blue moon or something, and the years go by.... But strangely the further away death feels the more you wish it would visit you, but as you see it start to wander toward you, you're filled with fear and cling to any life, even a pathetic one. And the saddest part, that your afraid to let go cuz there's a tiny part of you that still believes something good can happen. A miracle that will uproot all the swirling darkness, and clear the sky. Even if you know that will never happen, "She won't notice you bro, even if she sees you she'll pretend she doesn't. You got too much pain in your eyes man. Put some staples in your mouth and smile." But I can't, I just can't. I don't feel like smiling, I feel like screaming, at all the happy people that complain about dumb things, "My girl is so annoying!! All she wants to do is spend time with me God!! I just want to hang with my boys and she's all like, 'come hold me.' So stupid!" Let them walk a mile in my shoes, see if they don't walk themselves right off a bridge, "Take these shoes, I'll hold ya girl for you bro." But in the end nothing changes, this is just something I writing while on break... Welp, time to get back to it. Don't be afraid to laugh.
OneHowlToTheMoon OneHowlToTheMoon
26-30, M
3 Responses Mar 12, 2016

dear Lord
you are a fantabulous writer!! right there makes you worth billions!! I
this seriously could be me....unbelievable how you got my words emotions and soul onto paper!

Thank you!! Seriously, I genuinely thank you for saying that. Not that I wrote that to show off any sort of skill, it's just nice to be acknowledged, especially since this site is going down soon. Reading your comment really lifted my spirits, if only for a moment.. Thank you:)

re: "I do blame them for not noticing they were passing their poison down to me."
Well said. Just understand your power is your own. Find a friend you can talk to and let it rip about your parents bringing you into the world and leaving you in the lurch...and then do some support work in reverse for her for something that's ripping her apart.
'Co-therapy" this is called.
All kids deserve much better than they're getting in these parts...
Hugs!

Totally agree with you, but what I've been doing to combat this is turning away and learning that I'm the catch they need to chase.

I'm shying a little from the Facebook and other social media and concentrating on hobbies and binge-watching stuff, but I have learned that if I'm not careful, I tend to be a little too self-indulgent and that just seems to compound the issue.

I like that you did your own 'scream therapy' as my lil' sis and I used to call it by just letting it out.

My primary anger is to people who are in a better place, maybe they were never molested or treated wrong, etc, that condescendingly tell me at every opportunity that, "...it's all your choice, you're the one making your life miserable..." but since we're all connected and other people can make choices that result in my misery, ummmm....yeah.

That's why I've chosen to have happy sunny days without them in it. I would love to love them too, but that's just not possible yet, they need to grow and see that compassion and love are not weakness.

You're real and you matter, OneHowlToTheMoon! Never forget that!

I know that feeling we get from contemptuous people who have been relatively lucky so they judge your problems as self-generated.......so much ugliness like that around here...it sucks to heaven!!!!!