Living Without My Family

I will give you the short version for now.I did not have a great life growing up. I was born to a mom who was too young and didn't want to keep me. She called all of her family and friends when I was born to see if they wanted me. She had no idea who my father was. When her mother found out she was trying to give me away she took me. The process was repeated two years later with my brother. Then again ten years later with my other brother. My grand mother died when I was 8, so my mom had to take us. I was molested (raped) by my mothers brother and my grandfather from the time I was 6 to 9 years old. My mom said she couldn't do anything about it because they did the same to her.

My mom moved alot so I never got to make any real friends. She lived with whatever guy would take her in and we moved when they kicked her out. She was a drug addict and seller, and I am pretty sure she did some prostitution in there somewhere.

When I was 15 we moved to Texas where I started living with an aunt. My mom didn't put up a fight when I left. I made some friends, and stayed out of trouble. I did not do drugs or drink.

I met my first husband when I was 19. Things were bad with my aunt and I looked at him as a way out. He came from a stable family that had financial security. I married him when I was 20. Things were uneventful until my first pregnancy. I gained a lot of weight, which was unacceptable to his mother. She said if her son wanted a fat woman he would have married one. He stood up to her a little, but had always been a mama's boy.

He went to school for and became a correctional officer before our son was born. His personality changed, and I was seen as a prisoner to keep in line after that.

I became pregnant again with my second son about a year later. After he was born, we had a change of financial circumstances and I was able to stay home. We had a nice home and drove nice cars. I had been trained to be thankful for being allowed to live such a life, and was rem inded often that if I were to ever leave he would take my children and I was to stupid to make it without him. I became very depressed, and scared, and turned to overspending for emotional compensation.

Eventually I overspent to such a point that it was unable to be kept a secret. I was put in the hospital for mental evaluation. I stayed for two weeks and was diagnosed as bipolar. I was released, and begged to be taken back by my husband. He agreed, and I began medication. The depression meds caused horrible headaches and I started taking tramadol for them. I became addicted rather quickly, and because it is non-narcotic, no one really noticed anything other than I kept an extremely clean home, was very agreeable and was able to do anything I was asked to do. I became "perfect", thin, and compliant.

I started calling in my own prescriptions. I didn't get caught for two years. When I did get caught, my husband and I had already agreed to a divorce, but he decided the drugs were the only reason I wanted out and decided it was best for us to stay together. I lost my job at the DA's office, so I agreed. I went into detox for 3 days and then went home. I relapsed very quickly and when he found out we divorced.

I was ordered to take drug treatment classes to have my children overnight. I used the whole time.

I worked and tried to support myself as  best possible. I lived with my aunt again (who had adopted me at age 28), and stole money from her while there to support my habit. I was a good liar and covered most of it up. We did not get along well because she did not like for my children to stay with me. She had granddaughters who were overweight (not just a little, one of my nieces was 12 and weighed 148 lbs.). She found my healthy, active sons to be loud and "hyper". My ex found out from my sons how my "mom" treated them and told me to stay with his mom (In a roundabout way which is a much longer, screwed up story). I left my mom and went to stay with his. I continued to use (about 30 pills a day by then), and stole from her also. After a year and half she decided it was time for me to leave, and I went back to my mom. I was really bad by then. I weighed about 105 lbs. and never ate (I am 5 ft. 8 in.). But at this point I really felt like I had to please everyone, and without the drugs I couldn't do that. I stole from my mom again and switched to Soma part time. I got really bad off with that. When she found out I stole from her again, she put an eviction notice on my bedroom door. My sister referred to me as Satan, and my children were taken away. I overdosed and my mom put me in ambulance by myself, with no shoes.

I went into treatment for 3 months. I was told to never have any contact with my family again. I was told I was "unfixable" and worthless. My friends from treatment told me that I just needed to give them time and prove that I was changed. That was 2 years ago. My mother and sister still take "shots" at me almost daily on various web pages. My ex knows I don't have money for fan attorney and still will not let my boys stay overnight with me.

I remarried a year ago and found out I was pregnant again at the age of 37. Big shock, but still, it's a baby! It will be the first grandchild on my husbands side (He is 40 and was married for 10 years, but his wife has a theatrical career so children were not really discussed). I posted my announcement on Myspace (all of my family is blocked) and my sister found out and sent a message to everyone (including my children) that I should not be allowed to reproduce.

It has been two years, and even though I am not in a great financial position at this point, I have changed. I am clean.

Tonight I got a final blow and realize I will never have my "family" again. I am all of a sudden sad and embarrassed and scared that I am what they say, otherwise I would have my family back. Almost everyone I was in treatment with (and I was in with girls who had stole everything, including parents cars, and prostituted) has a relationship with their family again. I know I have  to make sure not to let them "make" me a bad person. I'm still hurt though. What kind of person has a family who disowns them? How can I ever explain this to my children? Am I really worthless?

chandradanise chandradanise
36-40, F
9 Responses Feb 22, 2010

There is a new website for people who have no family. It's called www.lwfnetwork.com.

This website no longer exists.

All I can say is hang in there. You have grown so much. My situation is very different but I can say I have been left without much family because of a death. I have been trying to make peace with being forgotten mostly by my step mom and she has turned her family against me that I have had since I was in my teens. I new in my heart when my dad passed she would do this. You are in my thoughts.

I'm sorry to hear your story it is sad but I feel your not all to blame , your family sucks!!!! Simple . You were raped by them and treated badly in a time you needed them most. I have always had a motto that no matter who you are I treat you the way you treat me. I don't see why you would want a relationship with anyone from your family other than your children. But your children will grow up and want to be in your life one day even if they have to look for you. So for now enjoy your new family and block all the bad out, pray and ask god to bring your kids too you one day and I wish you luck god bless . Ms anonymous ~

I hate I'm two years behind. I Know how you feel. Turn to GOD. I don't have any family myself. That sucks.

no ur not u are great person and i Love u even just from ur words :)

Just wanted to say, WOW. You are a survivor. I can't imagine. Things have been tough for me, but BRAVO on persevering as you have. Worthless? No way.<br />
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I have three thoughts about your relationship with your family from before you were married and from your first marriage:<br />
1) You've shared details that own up to the fact that some of your family's attitudes are warranted (e.g., if you've been stolen from, it might be hard to trust the person). I would zero in on the members of the family you would LIKE to have a relationship with again; for those who have never been there for you . . . they are not a priority but of course could be contacted as I am suggesting you contact the ones you want in your life: I would write individual, hand-written letters--and make copies, should they ever be "lost in the mail". It's easy for people to gang up on someone online--but if each of these folks is contacted by you with a heartfelt desire to re-establish ties, I think some of the bullying would cease, at least, and perhaps ties might be strengthened. I think a lot of bullying occurs not because they really want to pick on you but because you are there to pick on (read: Their lives aren't going so great, and it feels good to easily put someone down. Terrible, I know.).<br />
2) This may sound morbid, but after all you've been through, I would do this, were I in your shoes. I would have copies of all the letters you write (including ones to your kids from your first marriage, even if you can't actually reach them by mail) put in an envelope and provided to your lawyer in the event of your death. Do this soon. You can request the letters be read by your lawyer/executor of your will so that any family present will be reminded of the life you were born into and survived--how you are sorry for your transgressions, and how you tried to re-establish ties while alive, when clean and sober. I am certain that would mean something to someone.<br />
3) Even though you are hurting, I think the best move is to put your remaining energy into making your present family (second husband and child) your focus--and also yourself (your health and happiness). I know it must be hard to have that background noise in your head (and my word, don't have FB ties to people who bring you down, if you do--it's just not healthy), but sooner or later, your "foreground noise" should more or less drown it all out.<br />
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Bless you. I so admire people who have made it like you.

I am so sorry, you had to endure all that. I didn't have issues with drugs but also had endured some abuse and neglect. I am not close to my mom and step-dad and been labeled a burden years ago. I'm actually on a search for my bio father. My mom has concealed his identity to this day. I am going through family members to find his name. It's hard not to have supportive family and your life is greatly affected. Regardless of their incompetency, we don't have to be or do what they say. I have faith in Jesus now who have become my family and great friends. I know I have moments of depression and weakness because of my unstable emotions at times due to past hurts. Hang in there. Focus on doing better for YOIURSELF (self worth) and OTHERS who also need love. Write a letter or say a prayer for everyone that has hurt you and LET THEM GO...DON'T dwell on the past live in the present and hope for the best in the future and make good decisions now for tomorrow. You are worth so much that thee is no value nor price.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this forum but I have started a group of people living without family here:<br />
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www.livingwithoutfamily.com<br />
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I know there are so many people out there in this situation and I think we all need to stick together.....xx

You are not worthless. Like anybody, you've made mistakes. congrats for trying to fix your situation. Your children deserve to know that you didn't give up on them or on your own life. I'd try to find a pro-bono attorney to help you get reacquainted with your children. Enlist your new husband to help. Focus on rewriting your story and that includes all the negative images and ideas that you believe are truths about you. Nothing is permanent. Not your pain, not your mistakes and certainly not labels. If you know you've changed embrace it. Believe it, then you'll see it. and nothing anyone says will make you question your self worth.