Wtf Happened?

I am an only child that never felt like I belonged to my parents. I was beaten as a child, kidnapped by my paprapeligic father. My mother re-married to a man with no emotions.
I am almost 55 now, and after pulling myself out of that small town, I got my degree and have had almost 30 years of success in corporate sales. That all went bye-bye in 2009. Since then I have worked in liquor stores and lived in cheap apartments. I am going broke, am on food stamps and aid from the government. I did join the Navy so I get my health care taken care of. I haven't worked a decent job sionce April 2009 and I am running out of money.

I have no family, my wife and children were killed in an auto accident in 1995. I have tried to have relationships, but I always run away. I am trying hard to find a job that would pay me a fourth of what I use to make. One thing good is I don't have a lot of debt, but living on food stamps and $167.00 a week unemployment just won't get it done. Oh, I found out a few weeks ago that I have a torn rotator cuff in my shoulder and torn ligamnents in my knee, so i cannot withstand the pain of manual labor.

I don't feel confident anymore. I use to be able to get dates, and now I would rather not add someoneelse, hell, who would want me. I am so lonely, I could scream, and waking up is the worst when you have no place to go. I tried volunteer work, but I feel like I am taking time away from using my talents to find a decent job.

I am thinking of seeling all my furniture, getting a pop-up camper and just taking off, problem is, I don't know where I am going?

4/1/2011-Well, I had a job for 6 months, was ready to buy a condo, and everything was going well. I was laid off 2 weeks ago, I can't qualify to buy the place, I am now living in it and it is back on the market so I will have to move again. Went back on unemployment, and food stamps again. ****-Why can't I make a life for myself?
markpowell15 markpowell15
51-55, M
5 Responses Aug 11, 2010

Thanks for your story Mark, I too am experiencing life challenges at 55 years regarding work, money, relationships and living arrangements. I am also so tired of explaining my situation to people because they are so curious about me. Because they see me alone all the time and never have known me to have a man in my life. My work as a hairstylist is slowly dying and I am hanging on to my less than small business because I am still healing physically from two auto accidents that has left me in chronic pain in my neck, back and lower extremities but, I must continue to earn no matter what. I grew up middle class and poverty is so uncomfortable after supporting myself for thirty years plus as a hairstylist. I work hard on my self esteem but, face daily many humiliations, mistreatments as a single woman living with a low income status. To put my finger on the timeline my lifestyle declined is so difficult but, I have gone from a 5 bedroom townhouse to a single apartment to a car and now I am affording myself to sleep in a 24 hour spa to rest and bathe daily after totaling the car in the last auto accident.

I have always tried to change careers, go back to school, but always had barriors so, the feeling of being stuck is part of my depression aside from my adult orphan reality. I have a sister I grew up with from my mothers first marriage but, I find we don't relate and my poverty makes her angry and we can't communicate well due to her conspicuous consumption and my pauperism. I have the education but, she does'nt and if I mention my shortcomings she one-ups or brags to make my efforts seem lame. I love her but, find I see her now as a not close and distant friend.

Yes, I don't attract quality men and have not dated for years but feel desperate for communication and intimacy with a beautiful loving man like my father was to my mother as if it will solve so many of my issues and to live a better life. This has become only a fastasy that is all I can do to counter my sad and lonely exitistance.

Your post has been my release, I know I am not alone in my situation. Thanks

I was just reading over your story...I can sympathize with the frustration you must feel. My life has also taken many unforeseen turns, and the older I get, the harder it is to adjust and find new options. To see my way clear. I have been unemployed for a while now, and it is very hard to hold onto self esteem without pulling a paycheck. I can imagine how much harder it might be for a man. <br />
I was wondering if you have considered something like substitute teaching? I was a teacher, and I remember there were always openings for them. It's a good way to supplement income as well, if you have the disposition for it. The school systems are always looking for men as staff....there is a dearth of male role models for the kids. And the pay is pretty good. You never know if that might lead to something else. <br />
I hope things are looking brighter for you.

there are specail VA for the homeless speical viet nam era vets<br />
<br />
i know the feelings when i was younger i just went back to what i was taught and worked over seas<br />
i understand the lost of loved one my gf of 6b years was killed in viey name on 1/14/1967<br />
her mother who was my mother also sense 1961 killed her self on the same day think biththe kids sheloved were not dead as i was rpeortd KIA on the 13 one day before but i was in a coma for 5 months and noo ne thought to tell her i was alive<br />
her pareants styed by my bed 24/7 for 5 months almosttill i cam out of the come and many weeknds took me to there cabin along with friends from our group growning up to care for me and if you could cast it it was cast at that time<br />
<br />
thank youus army for friendly fire

Hi Mark,<br />
<br />
I would like to know what your situation is now if you are still around?<br />
<br />

I'm in a similar situation now. I'm 50, my parents are deceased and I have no siblings that I relate to or see. I'm divorced, no children. I too, always had a decent job until I was laid off a few years ago. I am now experiencing age-ism in the job market and forced to accept jobs that do not relate to my background and education. Life is increasingly difficult and hard to navigate and I wonder what the heck happened. Dating gets harder, because as your "standing" in life goes down, you are more insecure to try and date, plus the dating pool gets smaller. Perhaps that idea of getting a pop-up camper is a good one. You wouldn't be stuck in apartments you hate, plus at least there is the possiblity of something new, a new beginning. I don't know how else to change my life, but I'm open. Good luck to you, and know that for whatever it's worth, you're not alone in your situation.