My Family, My Friends, Myself

I've always been a very isolated person, but I have been able to manage a core group of girls that I have been friends with since elementary school. We are all very different, but through the ups and downs of our lives, we have somehow managed to stick together.

I can't exactly pinpoint where it started, but suddenly, the cracks began to show. I had a problem with self-mutilation, and a big part of my personal therapy was to stop partying as much as I had previously. The comments began to sneak in about how I was such a weirdo and a "grandma" for not wanting to go out and get ****-faced every night.

When I eventually decided to cut alcohol out of my life for good, I couldn't help notice the seperation between us; they thought that I thought that I was too good for them. They couldn't see that this was something that I needed to do for myself, and they just really couldn't understand the changes that I was undergoing.

To make a very long story short, I went through an awful break up with a boy they hated, the glamorous beautiful party girl that I once was turned into a pimply faced depressed evil human being, seemingly overnight. They don't understand the changes that I'm still currently undergoing, because sadly, I don't even understand them in myself. These were once the girls that knew me like the back of their hands, and now they can't even stand to be around me; and it definitely shows. Every time I say something, they negate it, or roll their eyes, or sigh under their breathes. I just wish that they would tell me what I already know; that they're not sure if they can remain friends with me because they're not liking who I'm becoming. They don't recognize this monster. I wish they knew that they're silence about it only makes it more noticeable. I wish that they could see that I am able to tell that they are pulling away and I wish that they knew how lonely I am. How lonely and sad this is making me. I wish there was a way to change everything, I wish that there was a way for me to go back to the girl they know and love, the girl who can party and get shitfaced and not have a care in the world. Hell, I wish I could be that girl again. But most importantly, I wish the girls who I hold closer to my heart then my own ******* mother could accept me for the person that I am today, and not abandon me or isolate me because of the difficulties that I'm going through.

I cannot explain how it feels to know that people whose opinions mean the most to you, don't like the woman that you grew up and became.
Sep 16, 2012