Confused And Alone

i am amom of four grown children and four grandchildren. I became divorced a year ago this August. I am a very loving and caring person which has turned out to be a curse in my life. My kids don't have anything to do with me unless they want something .My father passed away from Cancer in 2002. My mother is 85 and not in very good nealth and I have no friends to really speak of . I met a man off Craigslist last year after me and my husband had separated. I fell so deeply in love with him so very fast we have so much in common but he works for the Governmet and he travels from state to state working on there computers. I have only seen him 4 or 5 times in this past year ;last time was Oct.22,2009 .He proposed to me on his knees in the airport no ring but he asked me and he was almost crying. I said yes of course. We always made plans after that to see one another but he would alwasy say he had to work and was going some other state. On April 19 my birthday I got a pair of earrings and a card in the mail from him . He had bought it thru the internet his name was only typed on the card . Then on April 28 he said he was sick and was going to the hospital. Later text me had surgery still there love you . I never heard anymore from him I callled him I text him I tried to find all the hospitals in his area no luck .He had vanished. The second week I got a text from his so called friend looking for him .But he never would actually talk to me just thru text said he would find out where he was .A few days later his friend text me and told me had probably left the country .i said no he wouldn't do that to me I am hiring a Pi to find him. Within minutes I got a text from my boyfriend saying I am ok just need some time to myself don't want to hurt you . That was in May . He just vanished would not answer my text or my calls. I tried to walk out in traffic that night I wanted to die but I was stopped. I would soon decide I wanted answers so I knew someone in Va. and they pulled some strings for me .I wrote down everything I knew about him and waited anxiously to hear what was going on.I had cried day and night begged him to talk to me but nothing. The news came a week or so later .I was told by a sargent major that he meets women reguraly off craigslist has one in every state that he brags about using them and just throwing them away. I have always had a very low self esteem and have been hurt so many times before .That day I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest .He was my best friend we had talked and text for a year . He was the love of my life my soul mate ....and I was hearing it was all a lie that he was just done with me and that was it. And oh yeah his buddy was really him I was told. A few days later tired of being alone i had no friends I had built my world around him
I forgot to add I have a tattoo he designed on my hip it is a jaded heart with his sign scorpio in it. I added around it A&F ERICS GIRL days before hearing the news.) I placed a add for a platonic friend on craigslist no pic said no sex no fwb just a friend .I made a bad mistake and put my cell number on there but only for a couple of hours I went back and modified it . The add was up a few days . Mostly grosss texts or voice mails . No one I would want for a friend .I deleted the add . Me and boyfriend had a yb page together I went on there and added my daughter as we did not talk to noone but each other on there . My daughter had a guy friend that was a real jerk and married on there .She wanted to get even with him so I added him as a friend we chatted he got my number text me arranged a meeting around the time we were to meet I text him and then blow him off and never speak to him again . He thought he was a ladies man but he was my sons age I was disgusted with him . I did it for my daughter he was strutting thinking me a 44 yr old would meet up wiith him ...not. Well my bf had my email passwords and our yb passwords . He just randomly went on both and pretended to be me asking about the add to one . and the guy I thought I had deleted the message to on yb he went on pretending to be me as well. I never thought I would hear from him again and that was how I heard from him . His buddy text me telling me he knew about the add that I had been talking to some one else so he was upset and was not one to forget or forgive.He will not talk or text me . I was destroyed again all over ...I took a over dose of pills and was found on the side of the road by strangers .I woke up in the hospital , Ironically the guy off tb tried to call me that day I ignored all calls but the police called him trying to get my name he didn't know me so he called my daughter and she called my phone thinking it was a prank and they texy back saying police. My bf had been talking with the guy and I guess tod him to call me cause he called out of the blue ,i now have stomach problems and my liver took a big hit as well. Istill have not heard from him that was June 11th. I cry everyday and night I still email him and text him no response of course . I am so lonely and so confused about it all .I still text his friend now and then and he texts me back . I wish I knew if it were really him. I LOVE THIS MAN SO MUCH I AM SO LOST I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I don't want anyone else I never want to see anyone else ever again I have taken a vow of celibacy. I had been celibant the last five years I was married then I met him. I am so tired of not having any friends and no one to talk to . I am a good person and just wish that I had a female friend to talk to . Seems all I ever get is perverted men who want to be my friend. I have lost almost 40 lbs now I am 5'7 96 lbs since all this has happened I am going to die if I can't pull myself together .Please if there is anyone out there that wants a true friend and is not judgemental please please talk to me . Thank you for reading my story. Please comment.

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Jul 14, 2010