I Think I'm Broken

My life seems to always be the same. I'm getting tired of it. I'm trying to change it but it seems like my efforts are useless. There have always been people in my life who I have said to be in my friends but they weren't really. Not in the sense that I think a friend should be. To me a Friend is someone who you can trust, someone who will be there for you, someone you can talk to. I've never had someone like that In my life. It is very sad and depressing to think about it. I know I'm afraid to get close to people, and when people try to get close I push them away. I have burned many bridges. Only now I realize what an idiot I am. Regret always seems to sink into my mind. I probably could have a bunch of friends by now but I can't help the need, the feeling to get away. So I ask, "what is wrong with me?"

I'm 26 years old and I feel like my life is complete waste. Some people say that everyone has a purpose in this world. If we do I would like to know what mine is. It's hard to find the modivation to do well. I did really good in school and got into a really good college, but after my first year there I didn't go back. I didn't see a point to it all. I started asking myself questions. Why go school? You go to school to get a good job. Why have a good job? A good job pays you well. And why would I want that? I know that money can't buy friends, love, happiness. So what's the point other than survive? Isn't there more to life than just survival? I don't want to survive just by myself. I long for some companionship but at the same time I just wan't to left alone. It looks like being happy isn't one of the cards I was delt. I'm left feeling frustrated and pissed off. What the hell is wrong with me?

I've always been nice to people and gave them the respect they deserve. But I don't know if I'm a good person. There seems to be two sides to me, two extreams. One side still has hope, though very little, that my life can change for the better. I do have a good job now and I'm going back to school, but the negative feelings and thoughts are always in my mind. The one thing I hope for, pray for, what I really want most in my life...is love. I think it's the only thing worth living for, yet I don't konw it. And I'm starting to think I never will. Which brings me to my other side. Watch out world! here he comes! If I can't be happy, then no one should be. I wan't to dip the world and gasoline and light a match. Only when everyone is in misery can life be fair. Discusting huh? I think so too sometimes. Although, if I had the power to do such a thing, I don't think I could go through with it. I fear God too much. So for those of you who believe you better thank him that he's in my life, or else who knows what kind of evils I could have commited. Seriously, what the **** is wrong with me?
Bloodrops Bloodrops
26-30, M
2 Responses Jul 20, 2010

Thanks for your comment. My mind was in a negative state when I posted this story. It does that more times than not. Although don't get me wrong, things still suck. They just don't feel that bad today. I had a dog not too long ago. She had cancer and I had to put her sleep. I miss her but I don't plan to replace her just yet.

You sound like me 1 year ago . . . Nothing is wrong with you. When I feel like just screaming . . I take a step back and meditate. It helps me center myself and not be angry. . . Do you like animals. Sometimes even the most simplest think can make you feel purposeful. I have a pug and I know she needs me. To feed her and walk her and she is always happy to see me when i get home. Animals have loads of positive energy. I'm sorry your going through a tough time. . . I'm a great listener if you ever need to chat email me sometime.