I Am Invisible

Like other 'invisibles' I have no hope left.

 I don't know what it is, but it must  be some weird 'vibe' I give off. I go to work, I do my job, people will say hi to me in hall & I get good reviews. however I never get invited to after work functions or parties on the weekends people have. Nobody ever asks me to join them for lunch or accepts MY invitation to lunch. I  stay clear of any 'touchy' or sensitive topics around people as not to risk offending anyone on anything....of course that leaves me with no opinion on anything. I have tried volunteering to be on committees to see if that would help,  it didn't, it actually got worse. I would actually get left OUT/off of things on the committees. I have been 'forgotten' by waitresses, Dr's, any number of service agents, lawyers, maitredees, CAR SALESMEN!!!, FIRST CLASS Stewardess, even one therapist 'forgot' about my weekly appt. i have been skipped over IN GROUPS!! I have had to actually TELL THEM they skipped me when they are standing right in front of me! even though I force myself to make eye contact and hold my head up.

 I have told therapist to be brutality honest with me if I smell, have creepy ticks or looks or ANYTHING that would chase people away...they all said my hygiene and dress is fine. I make >100k/yr, I don't eat much so I am not superfat, I am clean cut and white.
If I was not white I COULD EASILY think the world is racist against me, but that's not the case people just don't' see me. I have given up and walked out of too many stores &restaurants to count. I have tried so many times to connect with ANYONE in person but have failed.
 
  I must give off some STAY AWAY vibe. At this point I have been reduced to getting a weekly massage w/happy as the only outside work contact I have with people. I know I wont make it to 40, and have/am already made arrangements/plans for after-wards. At this point I am really just exploring locations looking for the place and trying to do bucket list type things.
others can do what they want but I  Make a plan, layout options, decided what needs to taken care of, needs arrangements etc I went to the bookstore to the section about terminal illness and end of life situations. Good step by step check list for wills and such. I got a gun and did not tell Dr-they can file paperwork to prevent you passing background check or have it taken away. EAP therapist ask me if I think about 'harming my self' I say no, but its really the only 'goal' I have left and think about it everyday. I have been on the GGate.
I listen to NIN 'everyday the same'; Jonnycash 'hurt' and the AinC  'your decision' over & over.

 Many people will disagree with me, but they don't understand the invisible prison and torture it is to be rejected by society. Or what its like to have to tell someone IN FRONT of coworkers that I literally have NO ONE to list as an emergency contact. Or have to call a cab to get a ride to/from hospital because of sickness etc... I spent the last XMAS and NEWYR in a hotel room alone, don't think if I can do that again. have not seen/talked to any family in many years.

 I understand all to well what its like to be a 'normal' person completely shunned by people for no obvious reason. I can offer no solution or fix to anyone else- only silent acknowledgment and empathy.
alone33 alone33
31-35, M
18 Responses Jul 24, 2010

I'm invisible too. It's a hard to get over and want to continue. I'm in my 40's and married with kids and a grandson. I have family close by. Strange thing is i'm invisible to all of them too. I understand the wanting to end it all because you are so lonely. I'm there, i'm not sure how to go on anymore...the pain is so much from being invisible. I'm the person who posts stuff on these boards and never even gets a reply. Very sad and dishearting.

yea, at least you have grand kids to look to, focus on them. I lost my daughter and I struggle with that. now I sit an empty shell, just going through the motions becoming more introverted/recluse by the day. I had despondent uninterested parents ( I was an unwelcome surprise) and an overbearing sister that treated more as a pet then a sibling [i dont talk to them anymore] so now I am just 'there'. its amazing how detached to the world one can get. im trying new things and trying the opposite of what I WANT to do, but man is it hard. I totally understand the kids at school who never say a word...and you can pick them out! its a weird vibe thing, maybe something to do with the shoulders or the head angle, but you can totally pick out the people who just fade into the background. so now I am just trying to do things (travel/activities) before I completely subcum to my depression. Some days I think...man if only I would get a terminal illness, then I would not have to worry about being alone and old :(

*hugs*

hey....no, don't do anything stupid.

not for much longer, <br />
i tried i failed im done...

hey, you still around?

Bro,<br />
You are not alone.... It use to bother me too,. Then I kinda figured it out....See if this helps a little. It's all about perspective. It sounds like you know who you are and what you like, atleast a little. I see life is like a song. Not everyone likes, let's say John Denver. And that's fine. What justice would he of done to his life if he tried to be someone else.. The people who liked his music loved it. Same with life's song, someone who hears your music will groove to it. don't worry about the ones that don't. All it would be is another sad story anyway. Besides there's nothing worse than a metal head at a hippie gathering.... Get my hint... The right people will come, and hope you do miss the wrong ones... <br />
Hince my favorite saying, it can't rain sh** everyday!

siouxzq88><br />
I watch a lot of TV, too much- it actually makes my loneliness worse a lot of times because it reminds me what I don't have. I get super depressed when I see or hear people having sex.<br />
I do enjoy tosh.o and most things on comedy. I hate spending time home. When Im on road for work at least I am busy and have an excuse for not talking to people. I already live in CA so the weather does help, but it is not a cure all. As for the mess, I will do it in the woods. hopefully nobody will find me for awhile. I have picked out a few places that I that are good and remote.<br />
I have debated getting a cat(s). but a 30 yr old male with a cat comes off creepy and I think it will make me weirder. Also I have not been home as of late. :(

Coconutty> I did not mean to imply you are a male who wants the man on man butt sex. I meant that I don't care if any men anywhere does it. it does not matter to me what others do as long as no one gets hurts.<br />
Not real sure how dreams prove to you an afterlife; everyone has crazy dreams all the time-check out the dream interpreter on this site. Also not sure what makes me 'evil hearted', I give money to animal shelters and emergency family shelters. Keep to myself otherwise- so is that evil? I also don't speak of religion and its falsity when I am around others.<br />
As for pity and sorrow, neither from anyone will change anything and I seek them not as I have enough for myself already- but yes I know I will die alone and I'm already planning for that. its not easy or fun, but I can't even look at myself in a mirror anymore. so into the deep winter woods I will go...

Don't do anything rush ,<br />
<br />
Things will get better eventually ...<br />
<br />
Tomorrow you could wake up and run into the woman of your dreams ....never say never .<br />
<br />
Until you stay alive anything can happen to you ...but when you dead ...it's the end of everything.<br />
<br />
<br />
Don't waste you life , I don't know if you believe in God but if you do , please try to consider for a minute that suicide is considerate a great sin . <br />
<br />
Don't waste your life , anything can happen to you.... just wait and have faith .<br />
<br />
I know that it sounds hard to do , but you seem to be smart , I 'm sure that you'll manage to get through somehow , call it women's intuition if you like .<br />
<br />
Good luck with your life . <br />
have a nice day ( not so ) Alone33 .

first of all I am a woman not a man that wants to get it in the butt. I believe in GOD because I had dreams about death and many ways to die. There is a heaven and a hell. Too bad for you that you are evil hearted. No wonder people don't like you, YOU PUSH THEM AWAY. You choose to be alone. Well be alone when you are dead or in hell one. DO you want people to feel sorry for you or pity you?

where does the light bulb soul go when you turn the switch? what about a dogs soul or cat or a monkey? this concept of soul is comforting and cute, but not real. do you really think you will float up to a cloud and hang with Elvis? come on get real for once there is not afterlife! if there was we would all know about it because are grandparents would be telling us to go to the dagabah system. this is all there is folks don't kid yourself. no zombie jew is coming to save you. this is it deal with and stop the fantasy land talk.<br />
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I Dont fault the 'self help' and focus aspects of religion but, anyone who lives his life by the good books is lie and a fool. I don't need a book to tell me what is right and what is wrong. and i don't need to apologize for being human. I used to like sex when I got it. gambling is a good way to pass time if not for the financial down side. smoke weed all you want just stay out of my way. have butt sex with you buddy as long as i don't have to see and it does not cost me anything.

If you turn off the switch, where do you think your soul will go?

And I failed to mention that I spend all major holidays alone with the cat. But holidays with a lot of relatives is not all its cracked up to be. i don't have any emergency contacts either. Where do you live? I'm in Maryland.

I feel a lot like you do. i am alone, rejected and at this point, just surviving, not living. I am not brave enough to kill myself. I have a cat and she is my only friend. Can you get yourself a dog? That would keep you from killing yourself. My cat keeps me alive. I don't think I could live without her. I am unloved, have been used, abused, deceived, lied on,slapped, rejected, talked about and i just don't try anymore to connect with anyone. People are cruel, selfish,and have self centered motives. I feel what you are talking about. There is the possibility that you, like me are attractive and highly intelligent and people are just fiercely jealous and threatened by your presence. I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry you have had to live like this.

You got a friend here. Just to talk to. Isn't this the start, this site to make friends. I thought about it too lots of time of the things I went through in my life but didn't. People are harsh and mean but there are good people too just have to keep trying to find them. True friends are the ones that stick by you and not use you. But again everybody gets use in some form or fashion, its just you have to figure out how much you wanna be use by people.

I too am an invisible person. My own parents forgot about me at christmas when i was 7years old. I sat and watched my brother and sister open gift after gift wile i got nothing. It hurts. I would like to be your friend its nice to find sum1 that understands.

what if its not worse? what if its just an off switch? <br />
Yes I know there are a million reasons not to do it, but nothing in this life has any joy for me. Most my life I have been melancholy. the earliest I can remember wanting to die was 4th grade, so I have always just assumed I was functioning depressed person. I have had the occasional friend and even girlfriends, however I got scammed by my X wife and been getting worse since that ended (2 years AGO!) and I am becoming less and less functional. I even have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror.<br />
I get no joy from anything...outdoors/casino/sex/work/shopping/tv/workingout/driving/food- nothing, it just merely passes time. I do like cats (X took hers when she split) but I don't want to have to take care of one or worry about it when I'm on road for work. I also know that getting a cat will completely shut me off from other people, so I just give 1200 to the cat shelter every year and visit it every week.<br />
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In a weird way its the gun that keeps me going, gives me something to look forward to.

I understand where you coming from. I am a woman and sometimes get ignore. maybe the way you look may make people not look at you. killing yourself won't get you anywhere but hell. What if there is a worst place to be then here on earth?